"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick..."
You know what I can't wait for? Flo Rida's "Low" to infiltrate the next talking animal kiddy flick. Why? Because I really want to see a CGI animated dog disco dancing to that infection germ of a diseased song. Whenever it comes on the radio, all I see are Babe and his farmyard friends getting down and dirty inside my head. The juke and jive is cruel and crippling, and it cheers me up in an instant. Is that wrong? Yeah, sort of. I guess. I think it's subliminal.
Anyway, "The Whoop-Doo Nation" is back on the attack this week. And it looks like our former WDN President is dead. What a shame. Thing is, life rolls on without him. Here is the latest "Whoop-doo" news of the past week...
Russell Brand?Whoop-doo! In the upcoming comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Russell Brand comes on a lot like his character. A giant douche. Go figure, and call it acting. For the first part of the film, he isn't given a lot to do. He is the secondary boyfriend that Peter's (Jason Segel) superstar girlfriend (Kristin Bell) has been fucking on the side. A flamboyant germy mess, we're not supposed to like Russell Brand as rock star Aldous Snow. He is, after all, one of the many comic foils for our incredibly likable lead Jason Segel. But a weird thing starts to happen. Segel as a writer breaks down and destroys this stereotypical romantic comedy character staple. He then rebuilds the archetype as a real and genuine character that sort of kicks ass in his own small way. I guess, what I'm saying is, by the end of the film, when Russell Brand is struggling through that last awkward dinner with his TV fling and her jilted ex, he miraculously steals the entire show. And when we see him leaving for the airport, twenty-five minutes before the film comes to its conclusion, we, the audience, desperately wish we could go with him and follow him on whatever crazy adventures he may be getting himself into next. Russell Brand sort of dooms the legacy of Sarah Marshall in that we almost wish we were watching the entire thing from his perspective. I wasn't familiar with Russell Brand before the film. Turns out he is a highly successful and popular U.K. comic that hasn't broke in America yet. Mark my words down with a sharpie and staple them to the syphilitic bathroom wall: He is going to hit big here soon. The guy is a genuine nut, and after checking out some of his material, he is bringing a distinct voice I haven't yet heard on the landscape. Plus, in person, he is hands down the most likeable entity you will ever meet or come in contact with. A shinning light that is both blinding and inviting. Sort of like the angel of death. I had my doubts about his fey rock star persona. Watching him arrive at my hotel at three o'clock in the morning was quite the spectacle. For a moment I believed that he was actually his character. Then he took me into his fold, and it was all over from the there. The guy is too awesome for cliches. Discovering Russell Brand for the first time is sort of like discovering a new species in the Amazonian Rain Forest. Its sort of scary at first, then you realize this new beast just might save the world. Yeah, that might be a bit too much, but I certainly can't wait to see what he does in Adam Sandler's upcoming Bedtime Stories. If you are thinking about skipping out on the latest Judd Apatow produced project due to lack of interest, at least check it out for Russell. And then jump on the back of a bandwagon that is already full of a billion U.K. residents. He is the shit and the shinola.
Jenna and Englund? Whoop-doo!
Zombie Strippers?Whoop-doo! This movie would be great. A welcome distraction from the world of real cinema. Too bad the cinematic zombie apocalypse is upon us. We've been over saturated with slow ones, fast ones, talking ones, British ones, and even zombies that write their own zine. Zombie Strippers is a clever, crude, racist and indignant piece of pop trash that, like Snakes on a Plane truly lives up to its name. But this red, oversaturated corn syrup has been pouring down in a steady stream since at least 2003. It's a little too much to take in, and despite such wonderful scenes as Jenna Jamison taking down her nemesis with a hard-hitting pool ball that is popped with a mighty force out of her pussy and the mead eraser obliterations of a naked stripper with an Ak-47, it seems a little redundant. Like I've been watching this sort of mayhem on a continual loop for the last two years straight. The film has, hands down, the best choreographed and photographed strip club scenes I have ever seen committed to celluloid. It's a hoot watching Robert Englund struggling not to break into his Freddy persona. And the Mexican jokes floored me. It's a true drive-in Grindhouse beast that somehow manages to be more entertaining than anything Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino thought up last year. And it plays wonderful tribute to both Vamp (Donger, Makepeace, and Grace Jones? Whoop-doo!) and From Dusk Till Dawn, its two zombie birth parents. If I stopped cold and didn't watch a zombie film for at least three years, I would dig the shit out of this candy sour treat. As it stands, this was the third zombie film I'd seen this week. The other two being Steve Miner's Day of the Dead and the shockumentary American Zombie. And this all comes on the recent heels of zombie godfather George Romero's Diary of the Dead. I haven't even seen that many romantic comedies this year. I hope there is a sequel to Zombie Strippers. I just hope it comes in five years, when the kinematical zombie plague has been hushed a bit.
Wright, Pegg, and Frost's Annihilation? Whoop-doo!
The World's End?Whoop-doo! It was announced earlier today that the third chapter of Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost's blood and ice cream trilogy would be The World's End. It will lovingly spoof and jab the disaster genre with, hopefully, the same trademark zest for life these guys have given to everything they have done. Little to no plot details have been leaked at this time, but we can expect Yellow Stone to blow, the Mayan Calendar to come to an end, the Earth's magnetic field to flip flop, and a tearful "I love you!" "Gay!" exchange from Pegg and Frost as their London based home is obliterated and wiped off the map. This is their Jedi, which means it'll have Ewoks in it, and we won't like it as much as the last two. But we will still watch it on the floor, drunk, from our best friend's living room after a break-up and self declare it the best film ever made. I love, too, that it is coming out around the same time as Roland Emmerich's 2012. In true Star Wars fashion, the students will be going up against the master (of this intended genre anyway). Finally, Wright will be able to openly declare, "Now I am the master!" It will be sad to see this truly great and awe-inspiring trilogy come to an end. At least they will be riding it out on a wave of nothingness. Personally, I can't wait.
The Great American Jack-Off? Boo!
Robin Williams and Public Masturbation? Boo! Speaking of the world's end, aren't these the eleventh and twelfth signs of the apocalypse? Will they be addressed in Wright's new film? First, I am thoroughly disgusted by the Williams news. This gives mankind no hope at all. Sure, it was expected. I mean, he left his former wife for the nanny. But the fact that some hot twenty-one year old chick would mouth soak William's diseased cock with a bucket of cherry Life Savor flavored saliva is disheartening. I always pictured him as a family man. A pillar of strength and hope. A sign that true romance could work out. I never pictured that this guy's dick would get the best of him. I think it is sad and disturbing. And I have lost a great amount of respect for the man. The news of his cheating comes the same week that there is an explosion of public masturbation arrests. What is going on here? Did Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan unleash this plague? Did the American populace all of a sudden communally agree that it was okay because Sasha Baron Cohen got away with it in a movie? Jacking off on street corners is mentioned in the book of revelations. It is graphically described in the Chick Track I found in the parking lot of the laundry mat. It signals the second coming of Sodom and Gomorrah. Soon, laws will allow public masturbation in designated areas, while smoking will continue to be banned from even the blackest backwoods rest stop. Moments later, our friend the Maitreya (Angelina Jolie?) will offer its androgynous hand of fuax-peace, and we will be lead into the land of slaughter. Like sheep, spanking it on each other's backs with blades of barbwire while we burn in eternal hell fire. Fuck, man. It is truly the end of times. Looks like I have no other alternative than to go sit on the sidewalk and mustard the gravel.
Made of Honor poster? Boo! The sight of this thing emasculates me a little bit more every time I see it. What is the true definition of emasculation according to MS WORD? 1. To remove the testicles of a male human being or animal (formal or literary). 2. To deprive somebody or something of effectiveness, spirit, or force (formal) (sometimes considered offensive). 3. To remove the male reproductive organs (stamens) from a flower, for example, to prevent self-pollination. Yup, Made of Honor about sums it up. This dick-looking piece of diseased Photo Shop snark-work is a real kick in the diamonds. A hard to avoid eye cancer that is currently eating out the back of my skull. Fuck a dead donkey, a shouldn't have to wear an industrial strength jock cup every time I go to the bus station. I'm dreading the day I have to lay my peepers on the trailer. And a screening? The junket? Christ, it's enough to make me commit stirring acts of public masturbation. This "is" movie jail. I truly feel for the poor bastard that is going to be dragged to this thing by his "best friend" (i.e.: the girl that will never Robin his Williams). My hope is it will pass like a quick storm. It's a cock monkey. A pummel stone. The reason Roger Ebert is lying on his deathbed. Why doesn't the E.L.F. firebomb the print house where this evil thing is being stored? They'd be national heroes instead of whispered forces of retarded malevolence. Made of Honor? More like "Made of Testicle Cramps". I can't decide what I am dreading more. This or The Love Guru. Both have my personal business shriveling up like a blackened clam.
MGM Remakes? Whoop-doo!
Bill and Ted's New Excellent Adventure and Wargames 2: The Dead Code? Whoop-doo! Lets talk about real public masturbation, shall we? The verdict is still out on the straight-to-DVD marketing of past titles. Right now, every single studio is looking to an old warhorse for new blood. Universal's American Pie: Band Camp series is a welcomed distraction. The films aren't necessarily good, but they're fun to have on in the background while you do other things. The kids all seem to love Fox's Dr. Dolittle: Tail to the Chief series, though I have deemed them unwatchable. The Behind Enemy Lines franchise is doing well enough that Fox has teamed up with the WWE to make a third installment down in San Juan. But their Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation [Unrated] was crusted spunk on arrival. Which was a disappointment, because this nostalgia killer was written by the same team responsible for the 1984 Tom Hanks' original. I think it failed because the lead wasn't likable. Heck, there wasn't one likable character in that entire film. But Fox's Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead certainly looks better than the first. Warner Brothers upcoming direct-to-video sequel The Lost Boys: The Tribe is the film I'm most looking forward to seeing this summer. More so than Iron Man or Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Though, I'm pretty sure it won't be "that" good. Now comes the trailer for Wargames 2: The Dead Code and an updated remake of Bill and Ted's New Excellent Adventure. I'll start with Wargames, which is basically just a cheap remake of the original 1983 film starring Mathew Broderick. It is hardly a sacred cow, and the film could basically work in our current Political environment. The trailer makes the film look like a fun night on the couch. An enjoyable waist of time. At this point, I don't see that it is hurting anybody. I welcome its appearance on the home market. It ain't going to change the world. But it might get somebody laid, "This movie is boring. Let's do it." I'm sold. It's Bill and Ted's New Excellent Adventure that people are freaking out about. Fans of the series have always wanted to see the Alex Winter-Keanu Reeves promised third episode that saw them "Whoa"-ing in their forties. Well, that ain't going to happen. And it is slightly disappointing. Even without Winter and Reeves participation, why isn't the upcoming Bill and Ted home video remake focusing on Little Bill and Little Ted? That would make more sense. Did MGM forget that the two Wyld Stallyns fathered two babies? They'd be about the right age. They'd be fifteen, wouldn't they? Instead, MGM is opting for a straight up remake that is time appropriate and contains some new figures of historical significance. Oh, and they changed the name of the band to The Atomic Apes, or some such shit. Thing is, I don't feel we can really get too worked up about this particular remake. It has already been remade numerous times, in numerous venues. Enough so that the concept has proven able to stand on its . I'm not arguing any facts, here. I truly believe that it is Winter and Reeves' breezy chemistry that truly makes those two films something special. But Bill and Ted have already seen two different animated incarnations. The first of which even featured the voice cast of Reeves, Winter, and George Carlin in their respective roles. There was also a Fox series titled Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures. And a successful live stage show at the Universal Studios Theme Park. Already, numerous different actors have stepped into the shoes of both Bill and Ted. So it is my opinion that we can't really call blasphemy on this particular remake. Counting the comic book, it has already been remade too many times to make a difference. So relax. If you don't like it, you don't have to watch it. The original isn't going anywhere. What I can't wait for are the kids that are upset over a Dude, Where's My Car? remake. That is going to kill me with fits of hysterical laughter. (Actually, I kind of like the original).
Dr. Pepper? Whoop-doo!
A Dr. Pepper for Chinese Democracy? Whoop-doo! This is possibly the oddest news of the week. Dr. Pepper has declared that they will give every single person in the world a free Dr. Pepper if and when Axl Rose releases Chinese Democracy, his mythical, long in the making Guns & Roses album. I don't know who is running the workshop over at the Pepper compound, but I like her(his) thinking. It gives great publicity, and plus they will never have to make good on the deal. Rose isn't ever going to release that mother fucking album. Last time he roused himself up over it was when he declared it's release date would be the same day Mike Patton's long awaited Peeping Tom album would drop. He did this to pull attention away from Patton's album. This steamed from a long forgotten (at least by Patton) feud that sprang up in the early 90s when Faith No More toured with Guns and Roses. The stunt didn't hurt Peeping Tom's record sales at all. And it was sort of pathetic. Now, Mr. Rose has Dr. Pepper riding on his back. The whole ordeal is making me thirsty, and I can't wait to see how this one turns out. In the year 2012. That's when we will finally get to hear Chinese Democracy. He will announce its arrival the same day Yellow Stone blows. And it will be funny and thirst quenching all at the same time.
Well, that's it for the "Whoop-doo" Nation news. Hope to see you next week, if you are all still around. Bye-Bye-Bye!