Conspiracies. They are keeping us DUMB and HOT. Whoop-doo!

Billy Mays

Hello, Whoop-doo! readers. It's been quite a ride these last few days. Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, and Ed McMahon have all died in one fail swoop. Crazy things are happening in our government. Yet all anyone wants to talk about is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I toyed with writing my own thoughts on this matter. But then I was sent the following email from my old friend Slim Whatley. He used to go to the movies a lot. Not any more. Instead, he's started sending me bizarre text messages about the importance of collecting natural seeds. And that I should have a supply of fresh water handy at all times.

While none of us here condone or endorse any crazy conspiracy theories, Slim's words in this chilling email made more than a little sense. We are publishing it here as entertainment. Read it. Believe it. Or scoff. That's your choice. While we still have some of our American freedoms left in tact, we are able to share this frightening message with you. In honor of Independence Day, we offer up one man's right to free speech. Enjoy it as a goof. Or believe in it. Soon, emails like this will have to be transcribed on a rock and shot across the country with a slingshot:

Dear B. Alan

If years were like movies, 2009 would be a pretty great one. And we haven't even seen the final act yet. Still, it's a cinematic masterpiece made up of oddball opportunities, stifling dark moments, and a waning hope that mankind can survive. We're seeing it all unfold before us like the turning pages of a great American novel. Each paragraph slips past the glue and glides into the fire. Weird diseases, economic ruin, the first black president, and more dead icons than you can shake a stick at. Someone needs to make a timeline documentary simply titled: 09. It would be riveting stuff. And we, as Americans, are getting to live through it first hand. Right now. As we speak. If 2009 were a movie, it would be Jody Hill's Observe and Report. Weird, ugly, heartbreaking, and at its worst, uplifting.

Back in April, the Whoop-doo Nation first reported on how Swine Flu, Pirates, Tweeter, and a number of other weird 09 calamities have kept us from acknowledging the train wreck path we are currently on. We've been /boos-and-whoop-doos-pirates-pigs-and-twitter-oh-my/preoccupied, to say the least. Bizarre sci-fi offshoots such as The Octomom and Legos in Space have pulled our attentions away from the impeding build-up of the long prophesized New American One World Order. A Totalitarian Government. Those in power currently have us in a stranglehold full of miserable, meaningless fairy stories. We keep buying each one, popping them in our mouth like a pacifier. Blabber on about Transformers 2, and everyone within earshot is held in rapture. As if this three-hour movie about jigaboo robots cured both AIDs and Cancer, and homosexuality to boot. Mention the passage of the "Climate Bill", and people's eyes glaze over. Unsure of what you speak. As if you've suddenly learned how to pronounce certain unobtainable words in a just discovered alien dictionary. The general populace doesn't know anything about this. They don't care that it has the potential to sink us deeper into the second greatest depression ever experienced on our shores. They could give a fuck that it will potentially deride our American economy, obliterating small business owners and America's first world status. Really, who cares about all that hogwash? None of it matters as long as we are able to secure our first place status in the line wrapped around the Cineplex, waiting to see a non-homosexual man pretend to be gay just so he can provoke and stoke non-existent controversy. That's what we, as members of this once great country, really care about.

All Americans have a choice. We can either fight for our rights, or we can chill out, eat some Chipotle, and sneak into Bruno on an Ice Age ticket. Standing at the fast food drive-up window that has become our lives, its easier just to pick the second item off this shellacked value menu. Because we're lazy, and we like a good story. We want to be entertained and kept dumb. Scream against it all you like, its true. And now, in this day and age, its getting easier and easier for the Forces that Be to keep us distracted with colorful, unbelievable garbage. Movies will always be the easiest ticket. But our New Administration is erecting some mighty big boners to pull our eyes off the truth.

Bring up the word "conspiracy" in a private conversation, and your friends and family start to worry about your wellbeing. Then, quicker than you can sneeze, "Pig sick!" They are back to the Television, totally transfixed by the weeklong media coverage being given to Michael Jackson. In your article about Pigs and Tweeter, you mentioned that the Swine Flu media outbreak occurred just as Our Leader hit his first hundred day mark. Little coverage exposed the truth behind those first 100 days. Instead, we were bombarded with a plague scare right out of George A. Romero's The Crazies. It was an excellent means of turning our attentions away from what was really going on. The Swine Flu captured our imaginations, and feasted on our biggest fear as a country, and as a planet. Death. The end of the world. Prophesies that the jig was up. Pigs were a hot topic for a while. But no one we knew contracted the virus. Only unknown faces on the nightly news seemed to have contracted this horrible sounding sickness. Its only July, and this news has all but drifted out of the public eye. Even though it was just three short months ago, we've moved on.

Now comes one of the biggest bills to ever get passed through congress by a standing president. The Climate Bill is the first step in destroying our constitution as it stands. It is moving us closer and closer to the One World Order once whispered about in forbidden books written as far back as the 1930s. We were warned this was going to happen. But most people wrote it off as fantasy. A crazy postmortem tale that belonged in a book authored by L. Ron Hubbard. This literature still exists, and it's coming true before our eyes. Just as the Swine Flu bombarded our senses during the 100-day marker of our saintly one, Michael Jackson's death has obscured and buried the fact that Democrats narrowly passed this historic climate and energy controlling legislation last Friday evening. It is guaranteed to transform the country's economic and industrial landscape for the worse. But no one is listening. Why? Because we are all transfixed. An icon has passed away. And nearly every second of news time is being devoted to this. Our freedoms are being squashed, and we could care less. We are far more interested in a man, who, just seconds before he died, was one of the biggest walking jokes on the planet.

It seems as though the last twenty-five years of Michael Jackson's life have disappeared in the blink of an eye. Once that death bell struck in chiming weeps of unbelieved emotion, Michael went back to being the beloved King of Pop. The Moonwalking scamp we all knew and loved back in the 80s. All of his personal nightmares seemed to wash way, sinking into the mouth of the ocean. He wasn't the creepy pedophile anymore. He wasn't the Jesus-juice chugging monster robot that gave more than a few of us nightmares. He somehow evolved back into his own version of Peter Pan. Images of his Thriller days have white washed the media, and now he truly is the Lost Boy he always wished he could be. Of course, we couldn't just leave it at that. A few days into MJ A.D., the bad side of things are starting to seep back into view. His kids are the talk of the town now, and this tabloid coverage could go on for months. MJ's mom was granted custody of these kids in a will written way back in good ol' 2005. Who got custody of the Elephant Man's bones, though? That's the more interesting question. Find out in the next issue of "The Government is Killing Celebrities to keep our minds off the on-going construction of the One World Order."

I pity the Men in Charge. They should have saved this for much later in the game. I doubt they knew MJ coverage was going to last this long. And I truly fear what they have in store for us once the federal hate crimes legislation, which would criminalize "thought crimes", goes through the Senate. There's no doubt in my mind that they will be bringing Tupac back to life. He's already been spotted drinking grenades in New Orleans by TMZ. What more proof do you need? He'll unleash an album, drifting down from the clouds like an angel, and America will be held in rapture for days on end. All while S.909, the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act, gets passed into effect. This bill would completely destroy our ideas of free speech as they now stand. The federal government will be able to prosecute anyone involved in delivering what "they" deem to be hate speech as transmitted over television, radio, and, gasp...The Internet! What, exactly, is hate speech by their definition? "Any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior." Sounds reasonable, until you realize that this includes film criticism, and everything else under the sun. Yes, call Michael Bay and his giant robot movie idiotic, and you could be sentenced to two years in prison and fined a substantial amount of money. You'll no longer be able to freely express yourself on blog bulletin boards. Or sound off about the horrible suckitude of the latest Lost episode. One of your laziest pastimes, chalking on the bathroom walls of the Internet, is in danger of disappearing. Do you care? No, because Tupac is throwin' gangsta signs on CNN, and that's why more important.

Right?

Sure it is. Should I even mention the Clean Water Restoration Act? We are definitely in the midst of losing our constitutional rights. And you know what? Its being made possible due to our fascination with celebrity minutia and non-threats that are being concocted to dull our minds and drowned us deeper in this sea of Sim 3s. You have to wake up, B. Alan. Or perish. If you can pull your head out of the Hollywood system's ass long enough to notice what is really going on, maybe you can make a difference.

Seriously. WTF? Even you think the latest batch of films are the worst ever seen. Why do you keep clinging to them like they are the end all be all of your existence? I'd think that the loss of carbon monoxide would be a far more important point of discussion. That's the real air you live and breath. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is just dumper escapism. I will never understand why you place so much importance on people you don't know and things that aren't important in the scheme of life. You could be calling your congressman. Instead, you're debating Destructicon balls.

You still have freedoms! This is true. It's your choice. Live or die. You decide. Your friend, Slim Whitley. (PS - Its best that you educate yourself about the importance of non-hybrid seeds ASAP! Do it)

Well, that certainly is an email for us to consider on this eve of the greatest holiday ever created. Happy 4th of July! Celebrate your Independence while you still have it. Eat food! Kill grandma! Whoop-doo!

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange