The End of 2009? Whoop-doo!
This year has been one hellatious shit storm from the get-go. Pregnant ladies and babies, The Great Depression Part II, pig flu, more than a handful of horrible shootings, a balloon boy, Tiger's indiscretions, and our first black president. Not to mention more dead celebrities than I can shake a stick at. Every time I turned around, some other atrocious calamity was happening right before my eyes. Making 2009 one of the most interesting years of this entire decade. According to Michael Ruppert in his film Collapse its only going to get worse before it gets better. Yes, the Teens are going to see more than half of your friends and family dead. Take account of the folks around you. By the time 2020 rears its ugly head, most of these people will be gone. Turned to dust and painful memories.
My advice to you this coming New Year? Start living like you just got a reprieve and a bus pass back to the past. Before you go to bed, imagine the horrible, cataclysmic destruction that awaits you in the very near future. Then wake up the next morning as if you've been sent to relive 2010 all over again. Party down and shit it up. Max out that credit card and live like a king. It's all digital money that doesn't really exist anyway. Then invest in some seeds and fresh water. Yes, we are living in some mighty cruel times, and 2009 was just the cusp of the collapse. That certainly didn't stop Hollywood from attacking us with gut wrenching sequels and shitty remakes. In both victory and failure, we'll always have the movies to lighten our spirits and dampen our crippled pocket books. If it weren't for the local Cineplex, more than 87% of us would be swinging from a tree branch with a broken neck.
The world of cinema offers the perfect escape plan for our daily woes. It gives us an instant out most drugs can't quite achieve. When a film is great, we want to live and breathe it for an eternity. When it's bad, we want to attack the Internet with a nine-pound hammer made out of obscene words. Either way, going to the movies has, and always will, give us something to do during this socio-economic downfall that is currently crushing us all with two swinging fists made out of sheer ham-baked madness. I'd like to utilize this moment to hold hands with the Whoop-Doo Nation and take a look back through the last twelve months. Did we get everything we wanted from our box office dollar this year? Was there anything worth championing? Maybe. Was there anything worth shitting on? Most definitely.
Here are the 12 months of Cinema 2009 gave us. The Whoop-doos! The Boos! The Dumpster Diamonds*! And the Toilet Plunkers*! Whatever you want to call them, they each gave us something to do for a few hours, and in this day and age, that aint half bad.
Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds wasn't the only World War II Jewsploitation flick this year. 2009 kicked off with Defiance, the real-life tale of bad ass Nazi-hunting Jews which featured the incredible team up of Daniel Craig, Live Schreiber, and Jamie Bell as three brothers hiding in the woods from Hitler's Hell Army. We also got two chicks fighting over a wedding date in Bride Wars. A Jewish demon wrecking havoc on a hot girl's panties in The Unborn. The miraculous healing powers of a security guard in Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The return of Harry Warden in My Blood Valentine 3-D. The crucifixion and resurrection of Biggie Smalls in Notorious. A bunch of pissing and pooping strays in Hotel For Dogs. Sexy black leather clad chicks and musty old dudes pretending to be vampires in Underworld 3: The Rise of the Lycans. A father and daughter team that could pull fictional characters out of books at will in Inkheart. Jesus Christ fighting alien Vikings in Outlander. And a bunch of sexed up teens on a boat in Donkey Punch.
Whoop-doo! of January: Donkey Punch
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: My Blood Valentine 3-D
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Outlander
Boo! of January: Hotel For Dogs
The Toilet Plunker Award: Bride Wars
The second month of 2009 kicked off with an action bonanza that nobody expected to be a box office hit, let alone a tiny phenomenon. Liam Neeson kicked some much needed ass when his daughter was kidnapped in Taken. We also had twin sisters playing ghost in The Uninvited. A carpetbagger bitch loving up on some locals in New In Town. A plethora of dipshits contemplating their horrible love lives in He's Just Not That Into You. A little girl lost inside her own Ashland homestead in Coraline. Steve Martin being funnier than he has been in years with The Pink Panther 2. A bunch of mutant kids getting drunk with Dakota Fanning in Push. A van-full of Star Wars fans trekking to Lucas Ranch in Fanboys. The much ballyhooed return of Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th. A cute pixie of a chick drowning underneath credit card debt in Confessions of a Shopaholic. Clive Owen destroying the Guggenheim museum in The International. Jim Carrey pontificating about the wondrous creatures of the ocean in Under the Sea 3D. Joaquin Phoenix's farewell to the big screen in Two Lovers. A grown man in old lady drag smoking bong hits in Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail. And two naughty male cheerleaders getting into loads of sexy shenanigans in Fired Up.
Whoop-doo! of February: Taken
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Coraline
The Dumpster Diamond Award: The Pink Panther 2
Boo! of February: The Uninvited
The Toilet Plunker Award: Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail
Things kicked off with a highly anticipated look at life on the road for the Jonas Brothers. Oddly, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience turned out to be a weird let down for fans and teen enthusiasts alike. It bombed miserably at the box office. But not nearly as bad as the video game adaptation Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, which went deep into the darkest recesses of dog shit cinema to become, hands down, the worst film of the year. In March, we also got Harrison Ford attempting to save illegal immigrants in Crossing Over. A giant blue penis in Watchmen. Straight up Asian craziness in Tokyo!. The Rock battling UFOs in Race to Witch Mountain. The best multiplex rape scene of the year in The Last House on the Left. Two douche bags fawning over their former girlfriend-turned-Playboy centerfold in Miss March. Two hot chicks picking up a bloody body mess in Sunshine Cleaning. An out of work Japanese businessman attempting to piece his family life back together in Tokyo Sonata. The first crappy Nick Cage movie of the year in Knowing. Paul Rudd and Jason Segel sharing farts and hugs in I Love You, Man. Julia Roberts fucking around with Clive Owen in Duplicity. Colin Hanks and John Malkovich boring the ever-living shit out of us in The Great Buck Howard. Gangstas shooting Gangstas in the face as they lept across trains to get out of their shitty country in Sin Nombre. A giant afro robbing small town banks in Skills Like This. A kid vomiting ghost vapors in The Haunting in Connecticut. A bucket of ooze terrorizing the night sky in Monsters Vs. Aliens. John Cena shitting up the big screen in 12 Rounds. A documentary about couples sharing their sexual organs in American Swing. And Fred Durst making one heck of a directorial debut with The Education of Charlie Banks.
Whoop-doo! of March: Tokyo Sonata
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Watchmen
The Dumpster Diamond Award: The Education of Charlie Banks
Boo! of March: 12 Rounds
The Toilet Plunker Award: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Summer started way too earlier this year, with Fast & Furious kicking more ass than it had any right too. Being number four in this long running series, no one thought it could accomplish much. But it turned out to be better than all first three films combined. And a box office smash to boot. Throughout this month, we also got a couple of mopey kids kicking around a two-bit amusement park in Adventureland. A baseball quitter who gives up on his big league dreams in Sugar. A group of theater enthusiasts attempting to survive in Paris 36. A fake Z-grade Martian invasion flick in Alien Trespass. A loser's first date in Bart Got a Room. A bunch of dead goldfish in The Song of Sparrows. A jigglemutt getting back to her Nashville roots in Hannah Montana: The Movie. The second mall security guard film of 2009 in Observe and Report. Another massive turd in Dragonball Evolution. The greatest geezer rock story ever told in Anvil! The Story of Anvil. A comedic dissertation on Lyme disease in Lymelife. Zac Efron aping Matthew Perry's style all while befriending Lt. Dangle in 17 Again. A fat and awesome Russell Crowe fighting the system in State of Play. The big screen return of Corey Haim in Crank High Voltage. A look at Texas' fucked up judicial system in American Violet. Mexicans being used as robots in Sleep Dealer. Beyonce kicking Ali Larter's ass while listening to Crudo in Obsessed. Terrance Howard and Channing Tatum ripping-off Charles Bronson and James Coburn in Fighting. Robert Downey Jr.'s early elusive search for Oscar gold in The Soloist. An HD look at our planet in Disneynature's Earth. Mike Tyson exposing his soul in the documentary Tyson. A misbegotten adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis in The Informers. An electrifying look at Italian politics in Il Divo. Some saps losing their Los Angeles back lot in The Garden. And the misbegotten Mutant Chronicles.
Whoop-doo! of April: Observe and Report
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: The Song of Sparrows
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Crank High Voltage
Boo! of April: Sugar
The Toilet Plunker Award: Dragonball Evolution
It was the bootleg heard around the world. Nearly a month before its proper theatrical release, an unfinished print of X-Men Origins: Wolverine found its way onto every fanboy and pirate's computer screen, losing 20th Century Fox an untold amount of money. During this first "official" month of the summer movie going season, we also got Matthew McConaughey battling a series of one night stands in Ghosts of Girlfriends Pasts. Weird aliens gasping for air in Battle for Terra. Jim Jarmusch coping with his melancholy take on life in The Limits of Control. Young Spock giving Old Spock a hand job in J. J. Abrams' reinvented Star Trek. One hell of a lame minstrel show in Next Day Air. The reteaming of Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna in Rudo & Cursi. A manipulative look at terrorist planning in Adoration. Amy Smart proving why she's the sexiest young woman alive in Love N Dancing. Tom Hanks' ugly-ass hairdo in Angels & Demons. Steve Zahn playing with Jennifer Aniston's ass in Management. A nice summer boat caper in The Brothers Bloom. A giant underpants-clad Godzilla of a man terrorizing Tokyo in Big Man Japan. Ben Stiller making his sequel promises good in Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. McG shitting up a once promising sci-fi franchise with Terminator Salvation. The second wave of Wayans family members in Dance Flick. Steven Soderbergh ripping off James Toback in The Girlfriend Experience. An Oslo man that doesn't quite know what to do with himself after getting laid off in O'Horten. An old man that ties a bunch of balloons to his house in Up. Sam Raimi's awesome return to viscera in Drag Me To Hell. And a local radio station fighting to stay on the air during a zombie attack inPontypool.
Whoop-doo! of May: Drag Me To Hell
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Star Trek
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Boo! of May: Next Day Air
The Toilet Plunker Award: The Girlfriend Experience
The rest of this summer belonged to the boys of The Hangover. Which was too bad, really, as they completely cast a deep, dark shadow over the much funnier Will Farrell dinosaur adventure Land of the Lost. We also got a Greek Goddess tooling around with a grumpy Richard Dreyfuss in My Life in Ruins. Jim Krasinski going down on a pregnant Maya Rudolph in Away We Go. John Travolta making sweet love to Denzel Washington in The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. Eddie Murphy imagining that his career doesn't quite suck in Imagine That. Sam Rockwell at odds with himself in Moon. A look at the evilness that is the Monsanto Seed Company in the documentary Food, Inc.. Francis Ford Coppola's underrated return to cinema with the beautiful Tetro. A startling AIDS expose in Sex Positive. Sandra Bullock proving that she's still funny in The Proposal. Two dunder-headed cavemen traveling to the ass-fucking town known as Sodom in Year One. Larry David getting his Woody Allen on in Whatever Works. Nazi zombies eating teenagers in Dead Snow. Robots raping the day in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. A funny cancer spoof in My Sister's Keeper. Kathryn Bigelow bringing the best action film to town with The Hurt Locker. And Jennifer Lynch proving she's got massive directorial chops with Surveillance.
Whoop-doo! of June: The Hurt Locker
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Tetro
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Land of the Lost
Boo! of June: Imagine That
The Toilet Plunker Award: My Sister's Keeper
Things calmed down quite a bit during the first week of July, with Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs failing to make much noise at the box office. We also got Christian Bale and Johnny Depp running around with Tommy guns in Public Enemies. Nia Vardalos crushing hearts in I Hate Valentine's Day. John Travolta impersonators in Tony Manero. One gay fashionista sticking it to Hollywood in Bruno. A weak nerd proposing his deep adoration for the hottest cheerleader to ever walk the earth in I Love You, Beth Cooper. Another hot school-girl-outfit clad cheerleader battling blood suckers in Blood: The Last Vampire. Two straight men contemplating ass sex with each other in Humpday. A rediscovered James Brown concert in Soul Power. Kaitlin Olson kicking up dust in The Weather Girl. The return of teenage wizards in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Joseph Gordon Levitt romancing Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer. Super powered hamsters in G-Force. A nasty little girl tormenting Vera Farmiga in Orphan. Two irritating people making sweet love in The Ugly Truth. And a dissertation on upsetting phone calls with In the Loop.
Whoop-doo! of July: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Bruno
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Orphan
Boo! of July: The Ugly Truth
The Toilet Plunker Award: I Hate Valentine's Day
The dog days of summer dredged up one of the most morose and humorless comedies of the year with Judd Apatow's cancer-riddled look at stand-up comedians, which was mockingly titled Funny People. While sweating out the intense August heat, we also got to experience a bunch of walking boogers terrorizing a family in Aliens in the Attic. Two robbers going head to head in the home invasion fantasy The Collector. A stirring look at Aspergers Syndrome in Adam. Dolphins frolicking inside tuna nets in The Cove. Even more hungry vampires in Thirst. A look at Australian filmmaking in the documentary Not Quite Hollywood. Action figures come to cartoony life in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. A Julia Child cooking lesson in Julie & Julia. Sexy, murdered, honeymooning couples in A Perfect Getaway. Charlyne Yi contemplating the falsities of love in Paper Heart. The wondrous big screen debut of director Neill Blomkamp in District 9. Eric Bana flirting with a nine year old chick in The Time Traveler's Wife. Jeremy Piven selling used cars in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard. A little girl that used to be a gold fish in Ponyo. The better than it has any right to be teen rocker Bandslam. Jack White, The Edge, and Jimmy Page showing us how to properly use a guitar in It Might Get Loud. Nazi hunting Jews in Inglorious Basterds. A rainbow wish-fulfillment rock in Shorts. The horrible post-college life of one lonely hot chick in Post Grad. Extreme snow and board sports giving us full-face explosions in X Games 3D: The Movie. Bobcat Goldthwait giving us the best comedy of the year with World's Greatest Dad. Flying body parts strewn about the screen in The Final Destination 3D. The umpteenth return of Michael Myers in Rob Zombie's Halloween II. A bunch of dirty hippies partying down in Taking Woodstock. An in-depth look at fashion magazines in The September Issue. An angry football fanatic in Big Fan. And the theatrical debut of The Derrick Comedy Troupe in Mystery Team.
Whoop-doo! of August: District 9
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Inglorious Basterds
The Dumpster Diamond Award: World's Greatest Dad
Boo! of August: Funny People
The Toilet Plunker Award: Aliens in the Attic
The post-summer months kicked off with three miserable duds, as is usually par for the course when it comes to yearly theatrical fare. They don't call September a dumping ground for nothing. Sandra Bullock was absolutely atrocious in All About Steve. Neveldine and Taylor shit the bed with Gamer. And Mike Judge pulled another magnificent belly flop with his work place comedy Extract. Also clobbering us over the head during this month long Virgo-fest was the viral horror lump called Carriers. An essay on Palestinian-American customs in Amreeka. Tyler Perry's second turd of the year in I Can Do Bad All By Myself. A bunch of rag dolls fighting the after-effects of the apocalypse in 9. Rumor Willis proving her self-worth in Soroity Row. Kate Beckinsale battling a snow storm in Whiteout. A love affair gone horribly wrong in The Other Man. Fritz Lang manipulating Michael Douglas' career in Beyond a Reasonable Doubt. Asians feeling good about themselves in White on Rice. The amazing Walt Disney documentary Walt & El Grupo. The food tsunami that was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Matt Damon joking it up in The Informant! Jennifer Aniston playing nice in Love Happens. A high school cheerleader that eats boys in Jennifer's Body. A fascinating look at poet John Keats in Bright Star. Bruce Willis's ugly-ass wig in Surrogates. The haunted house theatrics of art school in Fame. Dennis Quaid fighting an alien virus in Pandorum. The fascinating biopic Coco Before Chanel. Max Tucker being extremely boring in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Michael Moore exposing the spinal column of our socio-economic downfall in Capitalism: A Love Story. Ghosts terrorizing the box office in Paranormal Activity. A widower struggling to raise two sons in The Boys are Back. And John Krasinski's lukewarm directorial debutBrief Interviews with Hideous Men.
Whoop-doo! of September: Walt & El Grupo.
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Capitalism: A Love Story
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Pandorum
Boo! of September: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
The Toilet Plunker Award: All About Steve
Our month long tribute to Halloween and all things scary kicked off with an amusement park overrun by the living dead in Zombieland. It turned out to be a surprise smash. October also saw the return of Buzz and Woody in Toy Story/Toy Story 2 3D. Ricky Gervais claiming there is no God in The Invention of Lying. A bunch of hot chicks on roller-skates in Whip It!. The Coen Brothers doing what they do best in A Serious Man. A fascinating look at high school basketball in the documentary More Than a Game. Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn yucking it up in Couples Retreat. Chris Rock waxing eloquent on the history of the weave in Good Hair. Carey Mulligan making a star out of herself in An Education. English football getting a lovely hand job in The Damned United. A Michael Peterson expose in Bronson. Michelle Monaghan jumping behind the wheel of a big rig in Trucker. Arguing lovers in Peter and Vandy. An air drummer soloist in Adventures of Power. Spike Jonze incredible adaptation of the book Where the Wild Things Are. Gerard Butler exacting his revenge on an unsuspecting Jamie Foxx in Law Abiding Citizen. Penn Badgley proving he's more than just a Gossip Girl in The Stepfather. A collection of NYC vignettes in New York, I Love You. Arsenio Hall's return to the big screen in Black Dynamite. The miserable life of a common house cleaner in Maid. The funniest lost film of the year in Janky Promoters. Jigsaw battling the American Health Care system in Saw VI. A boy with machine guns protruding from his butt in Astro Boy. John C. Reilly creeping us out as a good vampire in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant. Hilary Swank taking a nosedive in the biopic Amelia. William Dafoe tromping through the backwoods of the subconscious mind in Antichrist. Tony Jaa breaking faces and kicking ass in Ong Bak 2: The Beginning. And a couple lost at the bottom of America's biggest chasm in The Canyon.
Whoop-doo! of October: Zombieland
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: Where the Wild Things Are
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Janky Promoters
Boo! of October: Couples Retreat
The Toilet Plunker Award: Amelia
The news of Michael Jackson's death earlier in the year shocked and stunned America. But the Cineplex resurrected him on the big screen in Kenny Ortega's loving tribute Michael Jackson's This Is It, which went on to be a very successful documentary. During this second to the last month of the year, we also got to see the return of the MacManus Brothers in The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. A return to the 80s horror aesthetic in The House of the Devil. Sam Rockwell rocking the weirdness in Gentlemen Broncos. An old Oscar winning actor hiding from his illegitimate son in Looking for Palladin. Robert Zemeckis taking a dump on eager holiday enthusiasts in Disney's A Christmas Carol. George Clooney communicating telepathically with farm animals in The Men Who Stare at Goats. A trippy fuax-documentary about UFOs in The Fourth Kind. Cameron Diaz killing random people for the chance at a million bucks in The Box. Gabourey Sidibe stomping all over our hearts in Precious. Michael Ruppert telling it like it is in Collapse. Old Men warring with each other in That Evening Sun. A look at small-time Carnie life in Splinterheads. The complete and utter destruction of our planet in 2012. A bunch of Brits jamming out on a boat in Pirate Radio. Wes Anderson proving that stop-motion animation is certainly his thing with The Fantastic Mr. Fox. Woody Harrelson and Ben Foster bringing their A games in The Messenger. Emmy Rossum sexing up her high school in Dare. Joseph Gordon-Levitt finding the wrong cell phone in Uncertainty. Porn stars making the most of their day in Women in Trouble. Wolverine contemplating the existence of a supreme being in Oh My God!. Werewolves and vampires making a meal of the box office in The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Sandra Bullock owning the screen in The Blind Side. Crappy CGI'd aliens wearing no pants in Planet 51. Nicolas Cage turning his inner weirdo up to eleven in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. An actress having an existential crisis in Broken Embraces. John Woo returning to his homeland of Hong Kong in Red Cliff. Robin Williams and John Travolta ass-raping our pocket books with the appalling buffoonery found in Old Dogs. Asian Pop Star Rain spraying a geyser of blood straight into our eyeballs with Ninja Assassin. Viggo Mortensen attempting to survive an apocalyptic aftermath in The Road. Disney's return to 2D animation in The Princess and the Frog. Keanu Reeves getting it on with Robin Wright Penn in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee. And Zac Efron proving he's more than just a pretty face in Me and Orson Welles.
Whoop-doo! of November: The Fantastic Mr. Fox
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: 2012
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Ninja Assassin
Boo! of November: Disney's A Christmas Carol
The Toilet Plunker Award: Old Dogs
The last month of the year has been dominated by one movie alone, and it is, of course, James Cameron's immersive sci-fi masterpiece Avatar. No other film has even mattered. But that didn't stop Hollywood from releasing a whole bunch more for our viewing pleasure. Right before the holidays, we've been treated to Tobey McGuire finding his wife soiled upon returning from war in Brothers. Matt Dillon playing cops and robbers in Armored. A boring late-term midlife crisis in Everybody's Fine. George Clooney collecting frequent flyer miles in Up in the Air. Sexed up kids attending a college for vampires in Transylmania. Cheryl Hines honoring the spirit of Adrienne Shelly in Serious Moonlight. The history of Oslo's Black metal scene in the documentary Until the Light Takes Us. A shitty little Radio Shack comedy in The Strip. Nelson Mandela becoming a rugby fan in Clint Eastwood's Invictus. The experience of seeing Dave Matthews live in Larger than Life 3D. Tom Ford's directorial debut with A Single Man. A dead girl watching her life from beyond the grave in The Lovely Bones. The return of Broken Lizard in The Slammin' Salmon. A couple of New York socialites forced to live in Wyoming after they witness a murder in Did You Hear About the Morgans?. A bunch of actresses that really can't sing very well in Nine. The plight of a teenage Queen in The Young Victoria. Jeff Bridges wrecking up the Country Western music scene real nice in Crazy Heart. Plastic toys having a ball in A Town Called Panic. A bunch of hot female rodents singing "Single Ladies" in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel. Heath Ledger's last big screen appearance in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law rocking a sleuth vibe in Sherlock Holmes. And finally, a naked Alec Baldwin in It's Complicated.
Whoop-doo! of December: Avatar
Whoop-doo! Runner-up: A Town Called Panic
The Dumpster Diamond Award: Sherlock Holmes
Boo! of December: Transylmania
The Toilet Plunker Award: The Strip
There you have it. 2009 in review. That's it for this year. Remember to Eat Food and Kill Grandma in 2010! Have a happy New Year. And don't let the apocalypse bite!
*Dumpster Diamond: Any film that is so bad it becomes truly awesome, or a film that is better than it has any right to be, or a film that is unexpectedly great despite its pedigree.
*Toilet Plunker: The absolute worst of the worst.