B. Alan looks at a decade of horrible cinematic remakes and rehashes that ruined film as an art form.
Black Pegasus? Boo!
When asked about the dubious color switcheroo on set last year, Leterrier simply replied, "I didn't want to do it the same, but different." As I suspected, Pegasus is black for no real reason at all. Louis wanted to make the movie "different". The storyline is already pretty good. The film is remembered as a quasi-classic in the stop-motion genre. He didn't want to mess with the script too much. Instead, he rearranged the palate. A coloring book is a coloring book no matter how far you scribble outside the lines. Desmond Davis' original incarnation of this story wasn't perfect, and it was widely panned by critics and audiences alike when it first hit theater screens nearly thirty years ago. You haven't heard an outcry from the fans about the blasphemous process of regurgitating this property. One: Because audiences who used to hate remakes have become subservient to them in this day and age. And Two: Because the film really could have used a proper upgrade to its advantage.
The problem? Puke never makes for a satisfying meal. Unless you're a dog eating grass. Louis failed to reiterate a watchable do-over. Instead, he hastily flung together one of the most excruciating stretches of celluloid seen in the last ten years. It's a painful experience to begin with. Throw in some horribly rendered 3D conversion effects, three crying babies, and a bunch of dumb-as-sticks audience members who refuse to shut up, and you've got a clear-cut recipe for disaster. This painful mess is not worth the newly jacked-up ticket price. Heck, this stinker isn't worth a dollar Redbox rental. And that hurts. Clash of the Titans caps a decade of truly atrocious remakes. Unnecessary bi-products of a consumer age mentality. The 3D is just an after thought, tacked-on to up its revenue. That, my film-loving friends, is called a hornswoggle. If you haven't already, save your money and avoid Louis Leterrier's Clash of the Titans at all costs.
Desmond Davis' Clash of the Titans may strike a lot of off notes throughout the course of its two hour run time. Despite its shortcomings, its still a charming, fun experience to sit through. Its what a movie of its kind should be. And it has aged well, all things considered. Leterrier fails at mining any ounce of that previous charm or fun from the flying flash of limbs and flesh he has cobbled together in the name of cinema. It's at this moment we can no longer call it art, but product. Churned off the conveyer belt of Hollywood for a quick buck. It's warm Dr. Pepper drank from a can found in the park. The conceit is blacker than Coke in a bottle with no ice at midnight. It's a fucking scam.
But we knew that all along.
General audiences have become quiet on the remake front because it seems pointless to scream about them any longer. Hollywood has truly won. And now it's taking a big old bloody shitmud on our collective ticket-buying faces. Clash of the Titans is Hollywood's way of saying, "We've conned you! We've brainwashed you! And there's nothing you can do about it!"
We've become complacent. And we grasp at our comic book adaptations, our reboots, and our twice-cooked properties to give ourselves a sense of complacency within the hallowed halls of the local multiplex. The remake apologists are the worst about driving this point home. They claim remakes aren't all bad. There have been some good ones. Then they sight The Fly and The Thing. That's it. The conversation ends there. They name checked these two films at the start of this new remake craze a decade ago, and they continue to sight these two films as we move into a whole new decade of blatant rehashery. Why? Because they're of the precious few that have surpassed their birthing stigmata.
These two films continue to succeed and resonate as entertaining enterprises in this late day and age because directors John Carpenter and David Cronenberg were inspired by the material. They sought it out on their own. The studio didn't come to them saying, "We need to generate a bit of cash off an established title." The name recognition game didn't come into play at all. Both were passion projects. Leterrier on the other hand was a hired gun. They threw Beverly Cross' 1981 script at his head and said, "Here, remake this. We need to earn a bit of money during Easter weekend and Spring Break." Who knows, if left to his own devices, Leterrier might have been able to make a great original flick. We'll never see that happen now. As this dude has been sucked into the redo machine.
The apologist is also quick to cry out, "The remake doesn't destroy the original. If you're going to be a dick about it, you can always go back and watch that old musty piece of shitty celluloid from 1982." This is a fallacy. It's a lie. After devouring the chunk steak of thick vomit that was 2006's The Omen, I haven't been able to go back to the original. Because they destroyed the story along with my want and need to relive it in any form. The same can be said for 2005's The Fog. Here was a movie, much like Clash of the Titans, that could benefit from a decent redo. Oh, but the producers aren't interested in our need for a good story. They just want our money, and put absolutely no effort into extracting it from us.
As we step into the teens, less and less people are apt to call bullshit when a remake appears on the horizon. Because it's absolutely pointless. A majority of these craptabulous dooks made back their money. If not at the box office, then on home video and cable. Which is a shame, because we, as the one's who hold the power to control this sorted business with our ticket purchasing decisions, are feeding the beast fist first. Every single lover of film needs to stop staring at these remakes right now. We need to completely ban them. I understand how hard that can be. I, too, wanted to see Clash of the Titans. I'm worse for this wish to watch it come true. And now wish I had some eyewash.
Here is a complete list of the remakes that have hit us like a Mack Truck over the course of the past ten years. It's a staggering list. And you will notice one horrible nugget of truth: There's hardly a good movie on here (save for maybe Martin Scorsese's The Departed and Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings). They're all from the dumpster dregs of discount cinema. And they arrive like a shit cake no matter how thick you frost them.
Year 2000{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 8{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $865.2 million dollars at the domestic box office
Whatever It Takes - $8 million
Gone in Sixty Seconds - $101 million
Shaft - $70.3 million
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps - $123 million
Hollow Man - $73 million
Get Carter - $14.9 million
Bedazzled - $37 million
Charlie's Angels - $125 million
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - $313 million
Year 2001{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 12{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $997 million
Down to Earth - $64 million
Just Visiting - $4.7 million
Josie and the Pussycats - $14.2 million
The Mummy Returns - $202 million
Dr. Dolittle 2 - $112 million.
The Fast and the Furious - $144 million
Planet of the Apes - $180 million
O - $16 million
The Musketeer - $27 million
13 Ghosts - $41 million
The Wash - $10 million
Ocean's Eleven - $183 million
Year 2002{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 17{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1.4 billion
The Count Of Monte Cristo - $54 million
Rollerball - $18 million
The Time Machine - $56 million
All About the Benjamins - $25.9 million
Spider-Man - $403
Scooby Doo - $153 million
The Bourne Identity - $121 million
Mr. Deeds - $126 million
The Four Feathers - $18.3 million
Red Dragon $93 million
Tuck Everlasting - $19.1 million
Swept Away - $598,645
The Ring - $129 million
Ghost Ship $30.1 million
I Spy - $33.5 million
Chicago - $170 million
Pinocchio - $3.6 million
Year 2003{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 13{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion
Willard - $6.8 million
The In-Laws - $20.4 millon
The Italian Job - $106 million
Hulk - $132 million
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - $100.8 million
Sinbad: Legend Of The Seven Seas - $26.4 million
Seabiscuit - $120 million
S.W.A.T. - $116 million
Freaky Friday - $110 million
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - $80 million
Love Don't Cost a Thing - $21.9 million
Cheaper by the Dozen - $138 million
Peter Pan - $48.4 million
Year 2004{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 24{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion
The Big Bounce - $6.4 million
Starsky & Hutch - $88.2 million
Dawn Of The Dead - $59 million
Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $84.2 million
The Ladykillers - $39.7 million
Walking Tall - $46.3 million
The Alamo - $22.4 million
The Punisher - $33.8 million
Troy - $133 million
The Stepford Wives - $59.4 million
Around the World in 80 Days - $24 million
King Arthur - $51.8 million
A Cinderella Story - $51.4 million
The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi - $862,894
The Manchurian Candidate - $65.9 million
Thunderbirds - $6.8 million
Taxi - $36.6 million
Shall We Dance? - $57.8 million
The Grudge - $39.1 million
Alfie - $13.3 million
Alexander - $34.2 million
Flight of the Phoenix - $21 million
Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera - $51.2 million
William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice - $3.7 million
Year 2005{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 33{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $2.5 billon
Assault on Precinct 13 - $20 million
The Ring Two - $76.2 million
Guess Who - $68.9 million
The Amityville Horror - $65.2 million
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - $51 million
House of Wax - $32 millon
The Longest Yard - $158 million
Lords of Dogtown - $11.2 million
Mr. and Mrs. Smith - $186 million
The Honeymooners - $12.8 million
Batman Begins - $205 million
Bewitched - $63.3 million
Herbie: Fully Loaded - $66 million
War of the Worlds - $234.2 million
Fantastic Four - $154 million
Dark Water - $25.4 million
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - $206 million
Bad News Bears - $32.8 million
The Dukes of Hazzard - $80.2 million
Four Brothers - $74.4 million
Underclassman - $5.6 million
Oliver Twist - $2 million
The Fog - $29.5 million
The Legend of Zorro - $46.4
Pride and Prejudice - $38.4 million
Yours, Mine & Ours - $53.4
Aeon Flux - $25.8 million
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader - $65.5 million
King Kong - $218 million
The Producers - $19.3 million
Fun with Dick and Jane - $110 million
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - $82.5 million
Munich - $47.3 million
Year 2006{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 21{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion
Tristan & Isolde - $14.7 million
When a Stranger Calls - $47.8 million
The Pink Panther - $82.2 million
Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - $63.2 million
The Shaggy Dog - $61.1 millon
The Hills Have Eyes - $41.7 million
She's the Man - $33.7 million
Poseidon - $60.6 million
The Omen - $54.6 million
Miami Vice - $63.4 million
The Wicker Man - $23.6 million
Lassie - $652,163
All the King's Men - $7.2 million
The Departed - $132.3
The Grudge 2 - $39.1 million
Flicka - $21 million
Marie Antoinette - $15.9 million
Casino Royale - $167.4 million
The Nativity Story - $37.6 million
Charlotte's Web - $82.9 million
Black Christmas - $16.2 million
Year: 2007{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 19{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1.2 billion
The Hitcher - $16.4 million
Bridge to Terabithia - $82.2 million
Amazing Grace - $21.2 million
The Hills Have Eyes 2 - $20.8 million
Nancy Drew - $25.6 million
Transformers - $319 million
Hairspray - $118.8 million
Underdog - $43.7 million
The Invasion - $15 million
Halloween - $58.2 million
3:10 to Yuma - $53.6 million
Sydney White - $11.8 million
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - $3.9 million
The Heartbreak Kid - $36.7 million
Sleuth - $342,895
The Ten Commandments - $952,820
Beowulf - $82.2 million
I Am Legend - $256.3 million
Sweeney Todd - $52.8 million
Year: 2008{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 18{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $981.3 million
One Missed Call - $26.8 million
The Eye - $31.4 million
The Other Boleyn Girl - $26.8 million
Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who - $154 million
Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns - $41.9 million
Shutter - $25.9 million
The Flight of the Red Balloon - $461,674
Prom Night - $43.8 million
Speed Racer - $43.9 million
The Incredible Hulk - $134.8 million
Get Smart - $130 million
Journey to the Center of the Earth - $101.7 million
Mirrors - $30.6 million
Death Race - $36.3
Bangkok Dangerous - $15.2 million
The Women - $26.9 million
Quarantine - $31.6 million
The Day the Earth Stood Still - $79.3 million
Year: 2009{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of Remakes: 25{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $1.5 billion
My Bloody Valentine 3D - $51.5 million
The Uninvited - $28.5 million
Friday the 13th - $65 million
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - $90.5 million
The Last House on the Left - $32.7 million
Race to Witch Mountain - $67.1 million
State of Play - $37 million
Star Trek - $257 million
Land of the Lost - $49.4 million
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 - $65.4 million
Call of the Wild - $28,682
Public Enemies - $97.1 million
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - $150 million
Ponyo - $15 million
Halloween II - $33.3 million
Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself - $51.7 million
Sorority Row - $11.9 million
Fame - $22 million
The Stepfather - $29 million
Astro Boy - $19.5 million
Amelia - $14.2 million
Disney's a Christmas Carol - $137.8 million
The Box - $15 million
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - $1.7 million
Sherlock Holmes - $208 million
Total Number of Remakes: 190{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses: $12.3 billion dollars{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Number of remakes so far this year: 5{@@@newline@@@}{@@@newline@@@}Combined Grosses so far: $486.5 million
The Wolfman - $61.9 million
The Crazies - $38.3 million
Alice in Wonderland - $311 million
Bluebeard - $18,603
Clash of the Titans - $75.3 million (and counting)
Remakes Coming Soon:
And these are just the ones heading towards us in the coming months. As you can see, the remake machine has no intentions of slowing down anytime soon. Fight the good fight. Don't buy the ticket. Kill Grandma! Eat Food! Whoop-doo!