B. Alan looks at a decade of horrible cinematic remakes and rehashes that ruined film as an art form.

Black Pegasus? Boo!

Why is Pegasus black? Why did this flying horse need to be recast El Negro? It makes about as much sense as casting {1} in the role of Ralph Kramden. There is no reasoning being placed behind it, other than, We can do what we want! We can do what we feel! It's strange that in both {2} and 2005's {3}, the only hint of imagination or originality came from swapping ethnicities. In neither case does it pertain to, or help push along the story. It's senseless esthetic scrambling. Sure, poor black folks probably work in the sewer and beat their spouses, too. So why not update an old 1940s sitcom to reflect how far we've come? But Pegasus? Come on! Nowhere in the mythology of that first film does it ever state this creature was the color of charcoal. It just looks wrong. Smells wrong. Seems wrong on all levels. I like my Pegasus white. But that's just one of the many problems {4} conjures up with his 3D retelling of this 1981 Greek God fairytale.

When asked about the dubious color switcheroo on set last year, Leterrier simply replied, "I didn't want to do it the same, but different." As I suspected, Pegasus is black for no real reason at all. Louis wanted to make the movie "different". The storyline is already pretty good. The film is remembered as a quasi-classic in the stop-motion genre. He didn't want to mess with the script too much. Instead, he rearranged the palate. A coloring book is a coloring book no matter how far you scribble outside the lines. Desmond Davis' original incarnation of this story wasn't perfect, and it was widely panned by critics and audiences alike when it first hit theater screens nearly thirty years ago. You haven't heard an outcry from the fans about the blasphemous process of regurgitating this property. One: Because audiences who used to hate remakes have become subservient to them in this day and age. And Two: Because the film really could have used a proper upgrade to its advantage.

The problem? Puke never makes for a satisfying meal. Unless you're a dog eating grass. Louis failed to reiterate a watchable do-over. Instead, he hastily flung together one of the most excruciating stretches of celluloid seen in the last ten years. It's a painful experience to begin with. Throw in some horribly rendered 3D conversion effects, three crying babies, and a bunch of dumb-as-sticks audience members who refuse to shut up, and you've got a clear-cut recipe for disaster. This painful mess is not worth the newly jacked-up ticket price. Heck, this stinker isn't worth a dollar Redbox rental. And that hurts. Clash of the Titans caps a decade of truly atrocious remakes. Unnecessary bi-products of a consumer age mentality. The 3D is just an after thought, tacked-on to up its revenue. That, my film-loving friends, is called a hornswoggle. If you haven't already, save your money and avoid Louis Leterrier's Clash of the Titans at all costs.

Desmond Davis' Clash of the Titans may strike a lot of off notes throughout the course of its two hour run time. Despite its shortcomings, its still a charming, fun experience to sit through. Its what a movie of its kind should be. And it has aged well, all things considered. Leterrier fails at mining any ounce of that previous charm or fun from the flying flash of limbs and flesh he has cobbled together in the name of cinema. It's at this moment we can no longer call it art, but product. Churned off the conveyer belt of Hollywood for a quick buck. It's warm Dr. Pepper drank from a can found in the park. The conceit is blacker than Coke in a bottle with no ice at midnight. It's a fucking scam.

But we knew that all along.

Remakes? Boo!For more than ten years now, we've all bitched about Hollywood's lack of imagination. You've said it. Your friends have said it. Even your mom has said it. The 90s was a quiet dry spell of lameness, which caused the 00s to kick the remake machine into high gear. Sure, there were remakes before. But not of this nature. Before the Aughts really got moving on the genre (yes, remake is officially its own genre now), any director stepping behind the plate of a redo had a sense of purpose and want. They believed in their once used property, and saw a way to make it fresh and new. That doesn't fly nowadays. A remake in 2010 is simply about changing the color of a horse, cutting out everything that made the original cool, and flying that lofty, rust-gutted template up a diseased flagpole.

General audiences have become quiet on the remake front because it seems pointless to scream about them any longer. Hollywood has truly won. And now it's taking a big old bloody shitmud on our collective ticket-buying faces. Clash of the Titans is Hollywood's way of saying, "We've conned you! We've brainwashed you! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

We've become complacent. And we grasp at our comic book adaptations, our reboots, and our twice-cooked properties to give ourselves a sense of complacency within the hallowed halls of the local multiplex. The remake apologists are the worst about driving this point home. They claim remakes aren't all bad. There have been some good ones. Then they sight The Fly and The Thing. That's it. The conversation ends there. They name checked these two films at the start of this new remake craze a decade ago, and they continue to sight these two films as we move into a whole new decade of blatant rehashery. Why? Because they're of the precious few that have surpassed their birthing stigmata.

These two films continue to succeed and resonate as entertaining enterprises in this late day and age because directors John Carpenter and David Cronenberg were inspired by the material. They sought it out on their own. The studio didn't come to them saying, "We need to generate a bit of cash off an established title." The name recognition game didn't come into play at all. Both were passion projects. Leterrier on the other hand was a hired gun. They threw Beverly Cross' 1981 script at his head and said, "Here, remake this. We need to earn a bit of money during Easter weekend and Spring Break." Who knows, if left to his own devices, Leterrier might have been able to make a great original flick. We'll never see that happen now. As this dude has been sucked into the redo machine.

The apologist is also quick to cry out, "The remake doesn't destroy the original. If you're going to be a dick about it, you can always go back and watch that old musty piece of shitty celluloid from 1982." This is a fallacy. It's a lie. After devouring the chunk steak of thick vomit that was 2006's The Omen, I haven't been able to go back to the original. Because they destroyed the story along with my want and need to relive it in any form. The same can be said for 2005's The Fog. Here was a movie, much like Clash of the Titans, that could benefit from a decent redo. Oh, but the producers aren't interested in our need for a good story. They just want our money, and put absolutely no effort into extracting it from us.

As we step into the teens, less and less people are apt to call bullshit when a remake appears on the horizon. Because it's absolutely pointless. A majority of these craptabulous dooks made back their money. If not at the box office, then on home video and cable. Which is a shame, because we, as the one's who hold the power to control this sorted business with our ticket purchasing decisions, are feeding the beast fist first. Every single lover of film needs to stop staring at these remakes right now. We need to completely ban them. I understand how hard that can be. I, too, wanted to see Clash of the Titans. I'm worse for this wish to watch it come true. And now wish I had some eyewash.

Here is a complete list of the remakes that have hit us like a Mack Truck over the course of the past ten years. It's a staggering list. And you will notice one horrible nugget of truth: There's hardly a good movie on here (save for maybe Martin Scorsese's The Departed and Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings). They're all from the dumpster dregs of discount cinema. And they arrive like a shit cake no matter how thick you frost them.

Year 2000{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 8{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $865.2 million dollars at the domestic box office

Whatever It Takes - $8 million

Gone in Sixty Seconds - $101 million

Shaft - $70.3 million

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps - $123 million

Hollow Man - $73 million

Get Carter - $14.9 million

Bedazzled - $37 million

Charlie's Angels - $125 million

The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring - $313 million

Year 2001{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 12{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $997 million

Down to Earth - $64 million

Just Visiting - $4.7 million

Josie and the Pussycats - $14.2 million

The Mummy Returns - $202 million

Dr. Dolittle 2 - $112 million.

The Fast and the Furious - $144 million

Planet of the Apes - $180 million

O - $16 million

The Musketeer - $27 million

13 Ghosts - $41 million

The Wash - $10 million

Ocean's Eleven - $183 million

Year 2002{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 17{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1.4 billion

The Count Of Monte Cristo - $54 million

Rollerball - $18 million

The Time Machine - $56 million

All About the Benjamins - $25.9 million

Spider-Man - $403

Scooby Doo - $153 million

The Bourne Identity - $121 million

Mr. Deeds - $126 million

The Four Feathers - $18.3 million

Red Dragon $93 million

Tuck Everlasting - $19.1 million

Swept Away - $598,645

The Ring - $129 million

Ghost Ship $30.1 million

I Spy - $33.5 million

Chicago - $170 million

Pinocchio - $3.6 million

Year 2003{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 13{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion

Willard - $6.8 million

The In-Laws - $20.4 millon

The Italian Job - $106 million

Hulk - $132 million

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - $100.8 million

Sinbad: Legend Of The Seven Seas - $26.4 million

Seabiscuit - $120 million

S.W.A.T. - $116 million

Freaky Friday - $110 million

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - $80 million

Love Don't Cost a Thing - $21.9 million

Cheaper by the Dozen - $138 million

Peter Pan - $48.4 million

Year 2004{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 24{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion

The Big Bounce - $6.4 million

Starsky & Hutch - $88.2 million

Dawn Of The Dead - $59 million

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed - $84.2 million

The Ladykillers - $39.7 million

Walking Tall - $46.3 million

The Alamo - $22.4 million

The Punisher - $33.8 million

Troy - $133 million

The Stepford Wives - $59.4 million

Around the World in 80 Days - $24 million

King Arthur - $51.8 million

A Cinderella Story - $51.4 million

The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi - $862,894

The Manchurian Candidate - $65.9 million

Thunderbirds - $6.8 million

Taxi - $36.6 million

Shall We Dance? - $57.8 million

The Grudge - $39.1 million

Alfie - $13.3 million

Alexander - $34.2 million

Flight of the Phoenix - $21 million

Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera - $51.2 million

William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice - $3.7 million

Year 2005{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 33{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $2.5 billon

Assault on Precinct 13 - $20 million

The Ring Two - $76.2 million

Guess Who - $68.9 million

The Amityville Horror - $65.2 million

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - $51 million

House of Wax - $32 millon

The Longest Yard - $158 million

Lords of Dogtown - $11.2 million

Mr. and Mrs. Smith - $186 million

The Honeymooners - $12.8 million

Batman Begins - $205 million

Bewitched - $63.3 million

Herbie: Fully Loaded - $66 million

War of the Worlds - $234.2 million

Fantastic Four - $154 million

Dark Water - $25.4 million

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - $206 million

Bad News Bears - $32.8 million

The Dukes of Hazzard - $80.2 million

Four Brothers - $74.4 million

Underclassman - $5.6 million

Oliver Twist - $2 million

The Fog - $29.5 million

The Legend of Zorro - $46.4

Pride and Prejudice - $38.4 million

Yours, Mine & Ours - $53.4

Aeon Flux - $25.8 million

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of The Dawn Treader - $65.5 million

King Kong - $218 million

The Producers - $19.3 million

Fun with Dick and Jane - $110 million

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - $82.5 million

Munich - $47.3 million

Year 2006{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 21{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1 billion

Tristan & Isolde - $14.7 million

When a Stranger Calls - $47.8 million

The Pink Panther - $82.2 million

Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion - $63.2 million

The Shaggy Dog - $61.1 millon

The Hills Have Eyes - $41.7 million

She's the Man - $33.7 million

Poseidon - $60.6 million

The Omen - $54.6 million

Miami Vice - $63.4 million

The Wicker Man - $23.6 million

Lassie - $652,163

All the King's Men - $7.2 million

The Departed - $132.3

The Grudge 2 - $39.1 million

Flicka - $21 million

Marie Antoinette - $15.9 million

Casino Royale - $167.4 million

The Nativity Story - $37.6 million

Charlotte's Web - $82.9 million

Black Christmas - $16.2 million

Year: 2007{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 19{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1.2 billion

The Hitcher - $16.4 million

Bridge to Terabithia - $82.2 million

Amazing Grace - $21.2 million

The Hills Have Eyes 2 - $20.8 million

Nancy Drew - $25.6 million

Transformers - $319 million

Hairspray - $118.8 million

Underdog - $43.7 million

The Invasion - $15 million

Halloween - $58.2 million

3:10 to Yuma - $53.6 million

Sydney White - $11.8 million

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - $3.9 million

The Heartbreak Kid - $36.7 million

Sleuth - $342,895

The Ten Commandments - $952,820

Beowulf - $82.2 million

I Am Legend - $256.3 million

Sweeney Todd - $52.8 million

Year: 2008{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 18{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $981.3 million

One Missed Call - $26.8 million

The Eye - $31.4 million

The Other Boleyn Girl - $26.8 million

Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who - $154 million

Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns - $41.9 million

Shutter - $25.9 million

The Flight of the Red Balloon - $461,674

Prom Night - $43.8 million

Speed Racer - $43.9 million

The Incredible Hulk - $134.8 million

Get Smart - $130 million

Journey to the Center of the Earth - $101.7 million

Mirrors - $30.6 million

Death Race - $36.3

Bangkok Dangerous - $15.2 million

The Women - $26.9 million

Quarantine - $31.6 million

The Day the Earth Stood Still - $79.3 million

Year: 2009{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of Remakes: 25{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $1.5 billion

My Bloody Valentine 3D - $51.5 million

The Uninvited - $28.5 million

Friday the 13th - $65 million

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail - $90.5 million

The Last House on the Left - $32.7 million

Race to Witch Mountain - $67.1 million

State of Play - $37 million

Star Trek - $257 million

Land of the Lost - $49.4 million

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 - $65.4 million

Call of the Wild - $28,682

Public Enemies - $97.1 million

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - $150 million

Ponyo - $15 million

Halloween II - $33.3 million

Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself - $51.7 million

Sorority Row - $11.9 million

Fame - $22 million

The Stepfather - $29 million

Astro Boy - $19.5 million

Amelia - $14.2 million

Disney's a Christmas Carol - $137.8 million

The Box - $15 million

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - $1.7 million

Sherlock Holmes - $208 million

Total Number of Remakes: 190{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses: $12.3 billion dollars{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Number of remakes so far this year: 5{@@@[email protected]@@}{@@@[email protected]@@}Combined Grosses so far: $486.5 million

The Wolfman - $61.9 million

The Crazies - $38.3 million

Alice in Wonderland - $311 million

Bluebeard - $18,603

Clash of the Titans - $75.3 million (and counting)

Remakes Coming Soon:

Death at a Funeral

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Robin Hood

The A-Team

The Karate Kid

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Dinner for Schmucks


Piranha 3D

Let Me in

Red Dawn

Yogi Bear

The Green Hornet

Gulliver's Travels

True Grit

And these are just the ones heading towards us in the coming months. As you can see, the remake machine has no intentions of slowing down anytime soon. Fight the good fight. Don't buy the ticket. Kill Grandma! Eat Food! Whoop-doo!