We had such a great response to the last batch of headlines that I thought we'd do it all over again. Just remember, dear readers, that these headlines are what are commonly referred to as "jokes" and are not meant to be taken seriously. Especially by lawyers.
50 CENT TO STAR IN UNTITLED VICTORIAN PERIOD PIECE
With positive buzz already surrounding the Jim Sheridan-directed Get Rich or Die Tryin', it seems as if the first acting effort by rapper 50 Cent is about to pay off. In a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, the multi-talented icon announced that his next project would be something of a departure for the burgeoning actor: a period piece set in Victorian England. The film, to be directed by Sense and Sensibility helmer Ang Lee, will tell the story of a classical poet "just tryin' to fuckin' make it" in Victorian high society.
"I didn't want to do that 8 Mile shit," says 50 of the 2002 Eminem vehicle. "All respect to my boy, Em, but I gotta branch out, you know? So when they came to me with this script, I was, like, fuck yeah. I can rock this shit with my eyes closed."
50 speaks almost fondly of the character, an impoverished writer battling against class to win the love of a woman.
"I know this cat," says 50. "I can play ‘em. This nigga is me five years ago – just tryin' to fuckin' make it, you know, puttin' pen to paper. Looking uptown to all those wealthy motherfuckers – got a thing for this rich girl – and wantin' to be one of ‘em. And look at me now, right? Just rollin' in it, livin' the dream. Any bitch I want, I snap my fingers and she brings a couplea friends."
Despite the musical trends of the period, 50 still intends to produce the film's soundtrack, saying, "The harpsichord ain't much used in the rap game. But we gonna change that. We gonna bring the harp back to the hood."
CITING TAX INCENTIVES, OLIVER STONE'S 9/11 FILM TO BE PRODUCED IN TORONTO
In a press release distributed early this morning, director Oliver Stone officially announced that due to significant tax incentives, his eagerly awaited 9/11 film would shift production to Toronto when filming begins next month.
"While the financial difficulties that prevented us from filming in New York are certainly regrettable, we are delighted to bring the very personal Manhattan tragedy of 9/11 to the pristine streets of Toronto," said Stone. "The story of that day deserves to be told with the utmost realism and integrity – which we expect to approximate as best we can. Here. In Toronto."
When asked if the relocation would affect the integrity of the project, Stone moved to the defensive.
"Hollywood has been doing this for decades," stated the director. "War films, actions films, the moon landing – none of these were filmed on location. It's a history of lies and deception and we intend to honor the memory of those fine men and women by faking their sacrifice as best as we possibly can. Sure, New York might be real. But for the money, Toronto is realer."
And when asked about the incongruity between the Toronto and New York skylines, Stone replied, "That's what CG is for."
"We'll CG those beautiful towers into the scene," Stone continued. "And then we'll CG ‘em right back out."
ONLINE CRITIC HARRY KNOWLES NOW APPROACHING "PAGE 1,000" OF UNFINISHED SHOPGIRL REVIEW
Film critic and webmaster of the popular film portal, Aint-It-Cool-News, Harry Knowles, has announced today that he is "approaching page 1,000" of his long-awaited Shopgirl review.
"I saw this film three months ago," said Knowles, via phone, during a ten-minute water and bathroom break. "And I had such a personal response to it that I've been writing ever since."
Knowles, who is known for his lengthy and rather emotional reviews, is unapologetic about his writing process.
"I think that 75% of your enjoyment of a film is rooted in your personal circumstance," says the webmaster. "So it's only fair, I think, that I present every single detail of my personal history in order to inform my opinion. That said, I just finished a rather interesting chapter on my mid-twenties and my relationship with my father. I've also included about 30,000 words on my nephew and his love of superheroes – which really has nothing to do with the film, but, frankly, he's just so cute, so how can you not put him in there? I've recently concluded the autobiographical portion of the review, but in comparing the film to other cinematic classics, I also found it necessary to include a 200-page digression on French film history – which I believe we might sell separately as a textbook."
"I hope to add an epilogue in which I'll likely express my actual opinion of the film," adds Knowles. But what will that opinion be? The critic isn't saying.
"You've gotta read the review," he says. "But read all the way through. You're gonna love the twist. What I seem to think of the film and what I actually think of the film might just be very different things…" hints the writer.
The review is expected to hit sometime in mid-December.
TWO KILLED IN JAMES BOND RIOT
"This can't be happening," screamed rioter, Jonathan Dudley, a life-long fan of the much-loved James Bond series of films. Dudley, bleeding from the head and wielding a metal baseball bat, is still violently reacting to the reveal of the new James Bond, Daniel Craig.
"He's fucking blond!" yelled Dudley has he ran off into the rioting crowd. "He's fucking blond!"
This was the scene earlier last week after the announcement that Craig, a popular and blonde-haired British actor, would be taking over the role of top-spy from actor Pierce Brosnan. The London riot was quieted after only an hour, but two lay dead in the melee, both from stab wounds inflicted by a broken martini glass.
Local authorities were unavailable for comment.
MICROSOFT AND DIRECTOR ROBERT ALTMAN TEAM UPTO DEVELOP VIDEOGAMES
In response to the recent teaming of EA with uber-director Steven Spielberg to develop a series of action-adventure videogames, Microsoft today made a countermove by partnering with 80-year-old filmmaker Robert Altman. Known for his intimate, low-budget character pieces, Altman at first seems to be an unlikely choice for generating videogame material.
"I wasn't even really sure what a videogame was," says the director from the set of his new film, A Prairie Home Companion. "Mario something…That was all I knew. But then they hooked something called an Xbox up to another gadget they referred to as a TV and I was blown away. I haven't seen anything that amazing since radio!"
The first game to be released will be an untitled project consisting entirely of dialogue choices. "It's gonna be great," says the director. "You'll be able to control an entire, twenty-hour conversation between a young, divorcing couple by pressing the A-button and highlighting how you would respond, verbally, to this emotional situation. There will even be what they call ‘multiple endings' depending on how the conversation goes."
"We are pleased and proud to be working with such a wonderful talent," said Microsoft in a statement. "While we are delighted to see that Steven Spielberg will be bringing his brand of adventure to next-generation gaming, we also believe that character and intimacy are important as well. We look forward to producing the wonderful, slow-moving, character-driven, dialogue-heavy titles that gamers crave."