For lack of a better metaphor –

Watching the RNC roll so clumsily into Manhattan is like watching some 1930’s dustbowl carnival come to town. There are animals, clowns, ringleaders, freaks, hustlers, swindlers, paying customers and celebrity guests. All in all, there are a lot of people for a cynical writer like myself to despise. Generally speaking, I hate equally. The politicians, the protestors, the newscasters, the dumb, dressed-up dimwits in the crowd who’ve somehow managed make politics a spectator sport – (Yeah, you, in the red-white-and-blue, electric suit with the Bush/Cheney t-shirt and the cheese-wheel hat).

But most of all – most of all – I hate all these ridiculous chattering celebrities, on both sides of the partisan line, who, for whatever reason, seem to believe that I could give a good-God-damn what they think about politics.

I just love it when Hollywood gets in the game.

Apparently, the best screenplay ever written was penned WAY before that advent of modern cinema. In fact, it’s such a powerful piece of theatre that I’m appalled that some forward-thinking producer hadn’t already snatched up the rights. It’s called THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES and it stars Alec Baldwin and Richard Gere.

Seriously. I’m not kidding. If you weren’t in New York this week then you missed a once in a lifetime dramatic reading of the Constitution by Alec “Voice-Over” Baldwin and Richard “There Was No Gerbil” Gere. I’m not kidding. They sat on stage and read the Constitution. And they did this because…Because…Well, I have no idea why someone would do something that unimaginably pointless, but I’m sure that, deep down, they were just trying to add a little bit of what politics these days lacks so severely…

Star power.

Because, you know, the really important thing about a candidate isn’t necessarily their platform. It’s how many celebrities they can cram on stage at the same time.

Cuz, frankly, I was wavering on Bush until I heard that DeNiro liked him.

Oh, and if you weren’t in New York this Tuesday, then you missed the chance to actually hear Arnold refer to a bunch of Democrats as “girlie men.” That’s right. I’m not kidding about this one, either. He actually said it.

Girlie Men. Democrats are Girlie Men.

In retrospect, he might as well have called them “ugly motherfuckers” and told them that he’d “be back” when it came time for re-election. And just as Baldwin and Gere were contributing the immense influence of their star power to the campaign, it’s good to know that we can count on Arnold to add the second most lacking quality in the history of American politics…


Because Jefferson and Lincoln and Franklin just went on and on and on. I mean they just rambled. Have you ever actually read the Declaration or listened to the Constitution being read by two aging actors? There are some big words in there. How am I supposed to know my rights if I actually need a dictionary to read to them? Or an education?

It’s just much easier if a time-traveling, Predator-hunting cyborg points at someone and calls them a girlie man. And then it’s clear, to me at least, that I just shouldn’t vote for that guy. We don’t want girlie men in the White House.

In fact, I have a better idea.

Rather than pay all this money for national ads, Bush and Kerry should hire younger, better-looking, 20-million-per-picture actors to play them whenever the cameras are rolling. Somewhere, someone should scream, “And now, I present to you the President of the United States!” and Matt Damon walks out waving his hands. Somewhere, Kerry should step off a plane and look a hell of a lot like Colin Ferrell. That way, you could actually get airtime for free on shows like Access and ET.

Seriously, though, someone should shoot, immediately, any star who offers a comment on American politics. These are people, just like you and me (except they’re rich), who know about as much as you and me (if not less), and who are about as qualified to analyze politics as Corky from Life Goes On. Just because you’re famous doesn’t mean you’re right, or that you have the right to claim that you are. You’re just famous. So shut the fuck up and stop spreading your bias. Sure, I'm all for free speech, but one should at least know what they're talking about first. The day that I start lecturing on quantum science is round-about the time that some astrophysicist should snipe me from a balcony.

Essentially, there’s no such thing as ultimate truth, and if there is, you certainly don’t know it – and I’m looking at you, Tim Robbins. So go back to making movies, everybody. Do some more crunches, memorize some lines, and stick to what you're paid to do.