We get letters:

DEAR HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, HI I AM 9 YEARS OLD. I AM LOOKING FOR INFO BECAUSE I AM DOING A REPORT ON HOLLYWOOD. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD E-MAIL SOME INFO THAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. I AM IN THE 4TH GRADE. FROM CRYSTAL

Dear Crystal, thank you for writing. And rest assured you've come to the right place. If anyone can explain Hollywood to a nine-year-old, it's me. I think the best way to understand Hollywood is to know about the people who work here, and what each person does to bring those

big movies to the tiny screens of your local octoplex. What does a Producer do? What is a Key Grip, a Best Boy? Thus, I hope the following will be of some use:

A CHILD'S GARDEN OF HOLLYWOOD

Ais forAgentwho reps Slys and Spaceys

but dresses and talks like a clerk down at Macy's.

Bis forBest Boywhohelpswith the lights

too bad that he's fifty and not all that bright.

Cis forCostumerthey know all the dirt

Billy Bob's inseam, what's up Jamie Lee's skirt?

DisDirectormy heavens he's skittish

what's worse is he's drunk, slightly blind, deaf and British!

EisExecutivehis instinct's bewitching

he likes every project but the oneyouare pitching.

FisFinancierwhose money has backed you

and in interest of which he's decided to sack you.

Gis forGirlfriendshe's with the Producer

she's getting a walk-on, he gets to seduce her.

HisHairdresserthey know what to patch

if you are a male star and have a thin thatch.

Iis forIndie Proda downgrade intense

it's where executives go who passed onSixth Sense.

Jis forJournaliston the set for a story

so don't say anything for which you'll be sorry!

Kis forKey Gripand between you and me

what he does is a mystery, but Iguessgrip is key.

Lis forLawyerand all Hollywood needs one

the bigger his teeth are, the more you must feed one.

Mis forMarketing Guywho's been hired

to sell this year's stinkbomb and/or get fired.

Nis forNegative Cutterwho is

part of the process,somewherein the biz

O's forOptical Guyat the Optical Place

and Optically-speaking, I can't place his face.

PisProducerwhose manner's alarming

he screws everybody and still seems so charming!

Qis aQuotefrom anonymous sources

about who chases girls and who bets on horses.

RisRepublicannot one is a resident

but maybe more will be if Arnold is President.

Sis forScreenwriterwho's always pissed off

all that's left his script is the lead's Act Two cough.

Tis forTeamsterwho charges steep rates

to spit, drink more coffee, and sit on their crates.

Uis aUnit Publicist, girl or guy

who's the press's liaison and to whom we must lie.

V'sVisual Effects Guywho's got the tricks, see

he can save any film, well... exceptMatrix 3.

Wis forWaiterwho waits for his chance

to write, act, produce, sing, or God help us, dance.

Xis foreXtra, okay so I faked it,

but then so do extras, they think they have maked it.

FinallyYis forYou, Crystal, a nice little girl

here's advice from a guy in the Hollywood whirl:

AtZend ofZday, you'll have long life and wealth

just stay out of this town, kid, it's bad for your health.

Z end