We get letters:
DEAR HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, HI I AM 9 YEARS OLD. I AM LOOKING FOR INFO BECAUSE I AM DOING A REPORT ON HOLLYWOOD. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD E-MAIL SOME INFO THAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. I AM IN THE 4TH GRADE. FROM CRYSTAL
Dear Crystal, thank you for writing. And rest assured you've come to the right place. If anyone can explain Hollywood to a nine-year-old, it's me. I think the best way to understand Hollywood is to know about the people who work here, and what each person does to bring those
big movies to the tiny screens of your local octoplex. What does a Producer do? What is a Key Grip, a Best Boy? Thus, I hope the following will be of some use:
A CHILD'S GARDEN OF HOLLYWOOD
Ais for Agent who reps Slys and Spaceys
but dresses and talks like a clerk down at Macy's.
B is for Best Boywho helps with the lights
too bad that he's fifty and not all that bright.
C is for Costumer they know all the dirt
Billy Bob's inseam, what's up Jamie Lee's skirt?
Dis Director my heavens he's skittish
what's worse is he's drunk, slightly blind, deaf and British!
E is Executive his instinct's bewitching
he likes every project but the one you are pitching.
F is Financier whose money has backed you
and in interest of which he's decided to sack you.
G is for Girlfriend she's with the Producer
she's getting a walk-on, he gets to seduce her.
H is Hairdresser they know what to patch
if you are a male star and have a thin thatch.
I is for Indie Prod a downgrade intense
it's where executives go who passed on Sixth Sense.
J is for Journalist on the set for a story
so don't say anything for which you'll be sorry!
K is for Key Grip and between you and me
what he does is a mystery, but I guess grip is key.
L is for Lawyer and all Hollywood needs one
the bigger his teeth are, the more you must feed one.
M is for Marketing Guy who's been hired
to sell this year's stinkbomb and/or get fired.
N is for Negative Cutter who is
part of the process, somewhere in the biz
O's for Optical Guy at the Optical Place
and Optically-speaking, I can't place his face.
P is Producer whose manner's alarming
he screws everybody and still seems so charming!
Q is a Quote from anonymous sources
about who chases girls and who bets on horses.
Ris Republican not one is a resident
but maybe more will be if Arnold is President.
S is for Screenwriter who's always pissed off
all that's left his script is the lead's Act Two cough.
T is for Teamster who charges steep rates
to spit, drink more coffee, and sit on their crates.
U is a Unit Publicist, girl or guy
who's the press's liaison and to whom we must lie.
V's Visual Effects Guy who's got the tricks, see
he can save any film, well... except Matrix 3.
W is for Waiter who waits for his chance
to write, act, produce, sing, or God help us, dance.
X is for eXtra, okay so I faked it,
but then so do extras, they think they have maked it.
Finally Y is for You, Crystal, a nice little girl
here's advice from a guy in the Hollywood whirl:
At Zend of Zday, you'll have long life and wealth
just stay out of this town, kid, it's bad for your health.