We get letters:
DEAR HERE IN HOLLYWOOD, HI I AM 9 YEARS OLD. I AM LOOKING FOR INFO BECAUSE I AM DOING A REPORT ON HOLLYWOOD. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD E-MAIL SOME INFO THAT WOULD BE MOST HELPFUL. I AM IN THE 4TH GRADE. FROM CRYSTAL
Dear Crystal, thank you for writing. And rest assured you've come to the right place. If anyone can explain Hollywood to a nine-year-old, it's me. I think the best way to understand Hollywood is to know about the people who work here, and what each person does to bring those
big movies to the tiny screens of your local octoplex. What does a Producer do? What is a Key Grip, a Best Boy? Thus, I hope the following will be of some use:
A CHILD'S GARDEN OF HOLLYWOOD
Ais forAgentwho reps Slys and Spaceys
but dresses and talks like a clerk down at Macy's.
Bis forBest Boywhohelpswith the lights
too bad that he's fifty and not all that bright.
Cis forCostumerthey know all the dirt
Billy Bob's inseam, what's up Jamie Lee's skirt?
DisDirectormy heavens he's skittish
what's worse is he's drunk, slightly blind, deaf and British!
EisExecutivehis instinct's bewitching
he likes every project but the oneyouare pitching.
FisFinancierwhose money has backed you
and in interest of which he's decided to sack you.
Gis forGirlfriendshe's with the Producer
she's getting a walk-on, he gets to seduce her.
HisHairdresserthey know what to patch
if you are a male star and have a thin thatch.
Iis forIndie Proda downgrade intense
it's where executives go who passed onSixth Sense.
Jis forJournaliston the set for a story
so don't say anything for which you'll be sorry!
Kis forKey Gripand between you and me
what he does is a mystery, but Iguessgrip is key.
Lis forLawyerand all Hollywood needs one
the bigger his teeth are, the more you must feed one.
Mis forMarketing Guywho's been hired
to sell this year's stinkbomb and/or get fired.
Nis forNegative Cutterwho is
part of the process,somewherein the biz
O's forOptical Guyat the Optical Place
and Optically-speaking, I can't place his face.
PisProducerwhose manner's alarming
he screws everybody and still seems so charming!
Qis aQuotefrom anonymous sources
about who chases girls and who bets on horses.
RisRepublicannot one is a resident
but maybe more will be if Arnold is President.
Sis forScreenwriterwho's always pissed off
all that's left his script is the lead's Act Two cough.
Tis forTeamsterwho charges steep rates
to spit, drink more coffee, and sit on their crates.
Uis aUnit Publicist, girl or guy
who's the press's liaison and to whom we must lie.
V'sVisual Effects Guywho's got the tricks, see
he can save any film, well... exceptMatrix 3.
Wis forWaiterwho waits for his chance
to write, act, produce, sing, or God help us, dance.
Xis foreXtra, okay so I faked it,
but then so do extras, they think they have maked it.
FinallyYis forYou, Crystal, a nice little girl
here's advice from a guy in the Hollywood whirl:
AtZend ofZday, you'll have long life and wealth
just stay out of this town, kid, it's bad for your health.