If you are not a follower of the cable news networks, as I am, you will be shocked to learn that there is an election this year. I know! Also shocking is the battle of words between Republicans and Democrats on every subject, but, in particular, that having to do with who controls our culture.

Invariably the topic: Who Runs Hollywood? comes to the fore. Swords are drawn. Tongues are sharpened. Voters reach for popcorn. You can tell that this, my friend, is going to be a battle royale. And if you, like so many Godless, liberal humanists, are a Quentin Tarantino fan, you may go so far as to call it a battle royale with cheese.

So who runs Hollywood? Whoever does has the minds and souls of our children in their hands... wait, minds, hands... yes, that's exactly what I mean! And the key question seems to be: Is Hollywood controlled by men and women who do drugs, have illicit sex and secretly hope and pray for four more years of Bill Clinton? Or are the Democrats in charge?

At the risk of wiping out an entire season of advertising revenue for Fox News Network, CNN and MSNBC, I have the answer. For, at last, I have proof positive that Democrats run Hollywood. How, you ask, did I come to this conclusion? It was simple. I asked "What if?" What if Republicans ran Hollywood? Wouldn't it be a different place? Wouldn't they make different movies? Wouldn't Tom Selleck be a bigger star? You can see where I'm going with this. So, without further delay, Mr. Chairman, the evidence at hand:


... Hollywood itself would have been relocated to more conservative Orange County.

... The Cannes Film Festival would change its name to the Can Do! Film Festival and moved someplace where they speak English and the drinks are cheaper -- Vegas!

... and the Sundance Film Festival would drop the pretentious name and be held in a warmer spot, like Hawaii.


... The sexually oriented Kinsey,the upcoming movie about the famous sex researcher would not be made in favor of the more family-oriented Dr. Laura.

... The pro-environmental subtext in Day After Tomorrowwould bereplaced by subliminal messages to "call your broker."

... and Farenheit 911 would just be a very high temperature.


... Ellen Degeneres would be "that cute comedienne" who can't find the right guy.

... Tim Robbins would be a masseuse living in Santa Cruz.

... and the Baldwin Brothers would be running a small Pep Boys dealership in Brookline, Massachusetts.


... The David Lynch fête at the AFI would be substituted with a retrospective on the works of John "Red Dawn" Milius.

... The Irving Thalberg Award would be re-named "The Duke" (after its first recipient -- John Wayne) and be given annually to one man only -- Charlton Heston.

... Bo Derek would be Ambassador to England.


... Due to the latest deal with the Teamsters, the average cost of a major motion picture would be about a million dollars.

... The Actors Old Folks Home would be closed due to budgetary cuts and why not? Didn't they know it was a "risky" occupation when they got into it?

... and cries of "underepresentation" in film and TV by minority groups would be met with immediate action. The goodnews: more speaking roles! The bad news: most lines spoken entail "Would you like anything more from the kitchen, sir?"


... There would be one movie rating - G.

... A dress code would be strictly enforced at all televised Hollywood events. Prada OUT. Brooks Brothers IN.

... and Robert Downey Jr. would be in jail. Wait -- make that Robert Downey Jr. would be on "death row!"Bwa-ha!


... Yes! Animals were hurt in the making of this motion picture, and not only that, we enjoyed it!

I think I've made my point.