Hey, Paulington! Is a new Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're going to spice it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):
And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!
I'm a nurse, and I keep different hours than my boyfriend. Our relationship is pretty healthy, but I keep running into the same problem with him. I love movies, but I am not able to make the midnight screenings when a big movie opens, or even see it on Friday or Saturday night. My boyfriend always says he'll wait for me, but then he inevitably sees the film with his friends. I don't want to tell him what to do, and I certainly don't want to see him miss out on any fun. I only ask him to wait, because otherwise I never get to see the movie. Case in point, last Thursday at midnight, my boyfriend and his buddies went to see Fast & Furious. Even though I had been talking about it for weeks. I love Paul Walker! And I love this series! He said he'd wait until Monday afternoon to watch it with me. But sure enough, he was first in line Thursday night, promising he'd want to see it a second time with me, later. Well, when he came home, he just wasn't that into it. I had to beg and plead him to take me on my day off. It was annoying and a struggle. Certainly not worth the effort. When we finally got in to see the movie, he decided to text all through the slower parts, and even called his buddy during one of the bigger action sequences. I either have to put up with this kind of behavior, or not see the movie at all. What am I to do? - Signed, "Stuck"
Dear Brandi Boski. If I took my grandmother to see a movie and she started texting through it, I would take her home and celery-chop her thumb and pinkie off. That is just rude, inexcusable behavior. This douche pickle obviously doesn't care about your feelings one iota. I hope you have more in common with him than the occasional Friday night flick. If not, drop him like a hot potato. Nurses are sexy, and I'm sure you can find someone out there wiling to wait for you. I understand your plight as far as seeing movies go. Especially now, when so many people have to work odd hours just to make ends meet. My circumstance was a little different. I would buy DVDs, and then ask my girlfriend to wait until I got home to watch them. Working overtime, she would get bored and eventually stick them in the player. When I got home, she was tired and didn't want to see said movie ever again (and if she did, she'd watch it a second time when I wasn't home). I ended up having to sneak these paid-for discs into my free time. Which was never. I now have a lot of DVDs sitting on my shelf, unwatched by me. This severely changed my buying practices. I used to be one of these "Tuesday Morning" disposable income multi-media consumers. I desperately needed to fuel my "have-to-have-it" habit. Slowly, I started buying my movies just hours before I wanted to actually sit down and watch them. That curbed the dilemma. On the plus side, I now have cash for gas and electricity! The theater experience is a vastly different one, though. You can't stop your boyfriend from seeing movies with his friends. Especially when you're at work and it's his day off. Let him go have fun. It's really the only thing you can do. Otherwise, it will start a whole string of fights that will eventually lead to your demise as a couple. I understand that when you have a day off, you want to share your free time with him. Start taking him to movies that you know he doesn't want to see. Then maybe he'll wait. Or put him on hold for two hours while you see the film with a friend. Maybe then he'll get the picture and understand how important it is to you. Never again ask him to wait, though. Stop that practice right now. It's an annoying relationship thing that plagues far too many romances. If he truly loves you, things will work out. The bottom line is: Sacrifice. You'll have to go without seeing some of the movies you want to see. You must have some free time to yourself. (Otherwise this guy starts to sound more and more like a free balling dirt bag with no job). If you want to see a certain movie really bad, see it by yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. At all. Some people think its weird, but you will grow to enjoy this soul-serving experience more than sitting next to some guy that's texting and talking his way through Vin Diesel's golden god-like thespian skills. Try it. Trust me. It just might save your relationship. Now, how do you stop your boyfriend from screaming spoilers? That's a whole other problem.
I heard that HBO was going to make two Deadwood movies to compensate for the lack of a fourth season. It's been nearly two years since the third season ended. Is this ever going to happen? The wait is killing me. - Signed, "Jack McCall"
Dear Mr. McCall. It's my understanding that HBO simply didn't want to pony up the big bucks for the cast. Deadwood features nearly every single great character actor working in Hollywood today, both young and old. That's a lot of Gouda to spread around. There are more than a handful of rumors swirling around the Internet about the resurrection of Deadwood, so its hard to get a lock on exactly what happened with the movies. Last year, when I spoke to the awesome Ian McShane during our Death Race junket, he said that Deadwood was, in fact, dead! End of story. Just last week, while traipsing around the set of The Crazies, I was able to hand your question over to Timothy Olyphant, otherwise known as Seth Bullock. Straight from the horse's mouth, here is his response, "I have been operating under the assumption that it was never going to happen. Ever. The people from HBO called and asked if we would be interested in doing a movie. We said, 'Sure. Put it together.' That was literally the end of the conversation. We told them, 'We would be happy to do it. Get everybody around. And we'll let you know if it works out." Now, I can't imagine that it would ever be possible. Have you ever tried to get a bunch of actors back together? I remember trying to get Jennifer Garner back together for two days of reshoots on Catch and Release. It was impossible. The movie was over. And we were just trying to get two actors together for one day. 'What do you got? April, May, June? Have you guys got a free day?' No. It was ridiculously hard. They are talking about getting a cast of over a dozen together, after it is all over. People are working. I don't think it is realistic. I don't think it was ever realistic. God bless them. I don't know how big of an effort they made. But I never had more than one conversation about that. 'You guys let us know. In the meantime, we are looking for work.' You know? That's how it works. The moment I was freed up from Deadwood, I started looking for work. Until someone pays you, there is no job." Thank you, Mr. Bullock. Take his words with a grain of salt. They said there would never be a Sex and the City: The Movie either, and they're already making the sequel. They said there would never be an Arrested Development feature, and somehow they got everyone to come back. I wouldn't completely rule this out. Heck, FNM is back together. Without a doubt, anything is possible.
Why have they stopped numbering sequels? I noticed that all of the big movies coming out this year have ditched any and all mention of a number. Its no longer Part II or Part III. Its Crank: High Voltage, or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, or Terminator Salvation. Heck, with Fast & Furious, the even dropped their THEs. Is the next one going to be called Fastfurious? What is up with that? - Signed, "The Numerologist"
Dear Number Man. Please. Get with the program, slow jam. Its called synergy. There is a stigma that comes attached to every Roman numeral in Hollywood. Back in the day, any Part 2 or Part 3 was deemed a piece of second-rate garbage right out of the gate. This type of thinking kicked into high gear with Jaws 2, and a number in the title has been considered almost certain death at the box office ever since. Not having a number in the title of a sequel isn't anything new. Not a single Raiders movie has a roman numeral attached to it. Neither do any of the Star Wars episodes. Sure, the scroll at the beginning tells us which chapter we are about to embark on, but its nowhere to be found on the poster or in other advertising. Even films like the recent Rocky Balboa and Rambo dropped their long-standing number sequencing. Producers, directors, and even actors look at the number as a horrible speed bump in getting the film sold to an audience. In all of the cases you mentioned above, they want ticket buyers to believe they are getting a fresh start. A reinvention. There's no way McG was going to call Terminator SalvationTerminator VI. That would indicate that it was going to be a little less pleasing than Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. Which might have been good had it simply dropped the 3 from its title. Fast & Furious sounds like a tight package. A drilled down version of the original. The Fast & The Furious 4 comes across as moldy bread. A dip in bargain basement filmmaking. It's a trend, for sure. But look for it to stick. I don't see any numbered sequels coming up in the near future. Maybe, one day, being a Part II will be cool again. But I doubt it.
I have been a very loyal reader of Movieweb for years now and have to ask. How did you get your mustache so shiny and full looking? - Signed, "Peachefuzz"!
Dear Puny Pubestash. That is a trade secret. I could get kicked out of the Moustache Association of America for revealing my techniques. In the interest of you not looking like a fourteen-year-old boy with a dirt lip, I will tell you. Every two weeks, I skim this beast with a Remington stash trimmer pre-set at 5. Then, every single day, I scrub it with Dawn dish washing liquid before soaking it in a handkerchief slathered with a mixture of mayonnaise and Murphy's pomade. After combing that out, I wash it again with Biore pore cleanser. After a quick wet wash, I smooth it all down with a little olive oil. Then it's ready to fly. Start doing that, and pretty soon, your snot catcher will be as shiny and full as any fool's mustache on Deadwood.
I just moved to Los Angeles and I think this place is amazing. I've been seeing celebrities left and right since I got here. I was standing in line at a Starbucks yesterday and I saw Puck from The Real World. I couldn't believe it! I was wondering, since you interview all the big celebrities, could you give me any tips on what to say to celebrities if I see them on the street? - Signed, "Starstruck in LA"
Dear Starbucked. Stay the fuck away from celebrities. They will bite you. Especially Puck. And you don't want the diseases he has swimming around inside his blood stream. Pedro refused to eat from a jar of peanut butter that Puck stuck his finger in, and that guy had AIDS! That must tell you something. Celebrities are like you and me. They don't want to be bothered while fetching a cup of coffee. Its cool and all to see them walking through your own average life. But you shouldn't even make eye contact with these people. Pretend you are at Wild Life safari. And remember this rule: Never, ever stick your fingers out of the window when the Giraffe stumbles by. Your hand will end up looking like Matthew Perry's. Consider it this way. You know that guy you can't stand? The one that always seems to be at every party? He eventually catches your eye and makes a beeline towards you. You don't want to talk to this guy. You don't want to engage him in any sort of conversation. Well, guess what buddy, celebrities think the same thing about you! They dread the random stranger walking up to them. Talking to them. Its one of the necessary nuisances of their job. They know this, and tolerate it sometimes. But they never enjoy it. If you are out and about, and you do spot a celebrity, and you simply can't resist talking to them, make sure you have something interesting to say. Something really interesting. Don't just mumble, "I love you! I love you're work!} Have a quick and easy statement, and make it about them. Next time you see Puck, say, "Hey, its good to see you're still alive!" Take your nod and smile. Then get on with your life. Always remember this: Celebrities are just regular people with bigger paychecks. They want to talk to you about as much as you want to talk to any ugly stranger. End of story.
What makes you so smart? Do you really feel you are qualified to be doing this job? Because you sound like an ass to me. - Signed, "Yatesy"
Dear Yatesy. My old friend. Its good to hear from you, you antagonistic son of a bitch. I put a little video together that says exactly how I feel about my advice skills. Watch it and enjoy:
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