Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to:
Click on the name, and he will be sure to answer all of your submissions in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!
After seeing Avatar, I feel like every movie coming out in 2010 will not stand up visually. Please give me something to look forward to as i got nothing. Signed, "PandoraBitch209"
Dear Bitch. You are shit out of luck. It took James Cameron fifteen years to fully render his precious visual landscape for this billion-dollar film. Which means we won't see a sequel until 2025. By then we'll all be dead. No other film coming out in 2010 has gestated that long. We're lucky nowadays if a director spends more than a week prepping his precious so-called masterpiece. Cameron is an odd crow. He is one of the few directors out there capable of creating and distributing a new idea under a major studio banner (even if his unique space odyssey has been constructed out of a crumbled-up plot synopsis from Disney's Pocahontas). Everyone else, including Tim Burton and Roger Zemeckis, is regulated to age-old, time-testing properties like Alice in Wonderland and The Yellow Submarine. I'd like to point you in the direction of these two films. But, Christ! Tim's Whore Alice looks like an acid trip Rip Taylor might have experienced while sucking some strange man's dick on the dance floor of Studio 54 in the seventies. And Johnny Depp? This pastel, candy-faced nightmare called The Matter Hatter hasn't stopped producing kidney stones inside my stomach since I first laid eyes on him earlier in the year. Don't even get me started on Roger Zemeckis. Robert's twin brother is nowhere near as talented as that once unique, visual storytelling genius. Why Robert doesn't make movies anymore, yet his brother is stinking up my Cineplex with crotch-pounding emotional snuff films like Disney's A Christmas Carol, I'll never know. I do know that any rendition of the Yellow Submarine Roger Zemeckis manages to squeeze out of his urethra won't have the same creepy weirdness found in the original. And it won't be nearly as exciting as the opening moments found in the recently released Beatles Rockband. I'm not sure why I'm even talking about this stink bomb in the making. It won't hit theaters until 2012. Again, we'll all be dead by then. Which is really for the best. If you're looking for something to get excited about this year, it's going to come out of left field. Just like Neill Blomkamp's Peter Jackson produced District 9, which was made outside the studio system. If its more blue people you're looking for, The Smurfs doesn't open until Summer 2011. You might find something worthwhile in this April's Kick-Ass, which has already been hailed as the best geek film of 2010. Though, visually, it looks like a greasy stain. If your into human beings and dig the Sam Worthington aspects of Avatar, I have a mighty strong suspicion you'll dig the shit out of Clash of the Titans. Especially with it being converted to 3D. So what if it's a remake? It still looks super awesome. Then there's always Piranha 3-D. With its direct ties to director James Cameron himself (he directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning), it could very well be the mind-blowing experience your dieing for. The trailer definitely indicates as much. Still, there's nothing on the horizon that can be remotely compared to the visual brouhaha found in Avatar. The good news is that it's in IMAX theaters throughout March. So eat it up. And enjoy. It will be a long time coming before you see anything else like it again.
Are you homeless? Signed, "Your Cousin"
Dear Cousin. Just because I live in a ditch and look like a dirty hobo doesn't mean I'm homeless. In fact, just this week I built a new kooze shelter out of two lobster boxes I nabbed at the local K. Roger. They are made of insulated foam. I'm hoping they'll keep me warm. As I do not wish to fully ingesting this frostbite hovering around my exposed skin as we speak. (My dick has already turned a nice shade of pitch black from this cruel weather, hence it's longstanding nickname "Lil' Denzel".) Our Tennessee cold front is freezing up both my fingers and my keyboard. My melanin is chilled to a nice aquamarine hue that would make any Na'vi warrior proud. The WiFi I'm scraping of the iced breezeway keeps seizing up in this blizzard. I'm lucky to still be alive, as the snow hasn't stopped falling since Tuesday. Luckily, these ethanol soaked ice buds that occasionally land on my tongue are fueling me with enough nutrients to stay alive. And shivering has me burning calories like no body's business. Kristy Alley would be proud of my slim figure, and it won't be long before you see our new diet and exercise program "How to survive on the fecal corn dust found in snow while shivering your way to a skinner you" on late night TV. Just because someone lives in a seafood container doesn't make them any better or worse than the next guy. Surviving the harsh elements of this particular spicy winter just means I'll be around a little longer than you when the real apocalypse bitch strikes the earth's core with its cosmic shoe. All I have to say about my current living situation is: eat my yellow snow, Al Gore! That, and: Boxes do make a home.
Congratulations, Whore! I noticed you made Efilmcritic's Critcwatch 2009 - The Whores of the Year list as one to watch in 2010. How does that feel? You fucking douche bag. I hate your ugly face and your stupid website. Eat a turd, donkey boy! Signed, "Your Mom"
Dear Mom. I'm actually quite honored to have made the list. I wrote about quote whoring and the Quote Farmers of America last summer. You can read some of my feelings on the subject /hey-paulington-unborn-babies-quote-whores-and-novelty-ts/HERE. I've been a longtime fan of Erik Childress and his chore-like insistency to collect and berate the quote-work of my junketeering peers. The whole thing is quite hilarious. Though, I am a little sad that he failed to include my quotes for Terminator Salvation: "Pulse Pounding". Life is Hot in Cracktown: Intense...White Hot...Will Rock Your Soul". And the Transylmania quote I wrote for one of my co-workers: "A laugh riot that ignites the screen with sexiness." That's actually five in total and should have moved me onto the actual list itself instead of just "one to watch in 2010." What amazes me most is that I earned this distinction living in Nashville, TN. It's an honor I never achieved junketing in Los Angeles for ten years. I'm just glad my protégé Jami Philbrick is keeping in lock-step as he earned three himself in 2009 with the above mentioned Transylmania. As well as Armored: "Explosive! Fully-Loaded Fun!" And The Private Lives of Pippa Lee: "Robin Wright gives her best performance to date in this acting tour-de-force and definitely deserves Oscar consideration this awards season." Dang, that's a mouthful. Why don't you just write a book next time, Jami? I'm also a little sad that Erik failed to include a picture of me in his write up. I guess I'm just too handsome to run with the rest of that whorish nerd pack, and the inclusion of my mug would suggest I'm just some homeless dude that likes really bad movies. Tainting Erik's spin on quote farming. Quoting is a necessary vein of advertising and an art form if done right. I love to sit and write poetic phrases about films, testing myself to see what sort of tongue twisters I can come up with for the studios. It kills time while I wait for my next celebrity interview. Sadly, the reps in charge of promotional materials only like to cherry-pick "explosive" words that pop of the page. Thus, most of my cinematic lyricisms never see the light of day. Also, whenever a Rep asks my opinion about a film, I like to work in the word "The Marine 2 to get to his list. He's literally shoving this shitty movie in my face and down my throat. But I don't begrudge him for that. Or the fact that his list is powered by UGO, home of some of the biggest whores on the planet. Everyone has to eat. And in this age of economic collapse, its hard to earn five dollars as a movie website without having to wear an All About Steve T-shirt around town for a month. We're all whores in this business. There's no way around that. About my Accidental Husband quote winding up on the recent DVD keep-case of that film? The one Erik insists speaks volumes about me as a person? He's right. It says I love shitty movies. And I do. I've never had any qualms about stating that fact. It's in my bio. It's my mantra. Which only goes to prove his point: People like me shouldn't be allowed to staple stale quotes on product others might spend hard earned cash on. On that note, though, I'd like to point something out. The other films he quotes as being better? He's wrong. (500) Days of Summer is a romantic drama for hipster shitfucks. Away We Go is a hippy dissertation on child rearing. And The Invention of Lying is a not very funny essay on atheism. None of them are romantic comedies! And no one that reads or cares about Erik's whore list is ever going to sit through Accidental Husband on their own accord to find out that I might be onto something. And that's there loss. Just because a film fails to find a theatrical release doesn't mean its bad. Or that someone, somewhere might enjoy it. That's plain ignorance on Erik's part. But guess what? I still love Erik and his column to death. And I am going to be so disappointed if Jami doesn't make it onto that same list next year. Bitching about quote whores is like bitching about Tony the Tiger and his Kellogg's mantra, "They're Greeeaaaaaattttt!" Absolutely pointless. Though entertaining nonetheless. I'm just glad I could contribute in some way, shape, or form. You're welcome.
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