Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!

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Hey, Paulington!

I frequent quite a few movie sites, and whenever I see news about a new film being adapted from a book, no one ever chimes in on how great the book is, unless its something by Stephen King or Cormac McCarthy (which didn't start happening until after No Country for Old Men was such a hit). Do you guys read anything but comic books anymore? Are you all too illiterate to even care? Movies are great, but books are too. Maybe you should read a few. Signed, "Skittled Librarian"

Dear Skittles. Um, did you not notice the name of this site? It's not fucking bookweb. So I don't feel the need to talk about my obsessive book love here (unless prompted). Plus, if they are making it into a movie, why should I waste my time and money on some musty old tome? Yes, I have read a few in my day. There was a time in the recent past when I was too busy to pick up the latest written masterpiece, but now I enjoy the occasional novel. Most of the stuff I read is non-fiction, and the fiction books I have delved into don't seem suitable for a two-hour time frame. I am currently devouring A Fraction of the Whole one tiny bit at a time. It is a whole lot of book to eat in one setting, with its lush narrative and frantic pace. More shit happens on one page of this massive essay than in 12 episodes of Big Love. I can't wrap my head around how they'd ever turn it into a movie. A miniseries, sure. Even a long running television series. But never a two-hour movie. I'd love to see Steve Toltz's epic rendered in a long form video, absolutely. But I am reading the book because I don't ever think that will happen. I love this amazing story about The Martins in Australia. Its great literature. And I definitely want to be swept up in it. I have also found myself delving deep into the Hobo subculture of the early 20s. I recently read Jack Black's bestseller from 1927 You Can't Win. Jack becomes a friend in these pages, and it's a sad one to finish simply because you become quite intimate with his persona. This is the only book he ever wrote, and if David Milch ever wanted to create a follow-up to his awesome HBO series Deadwood, he should base it on the hobos in this lifelong adventure. Some of Deadwood's real life characters even make an appearance here. Jim Tully's 1924 bestseller Beggars of Life: A Hobo Autobiography is also quite enthralling. Of note, Tully later became one of Hollywood's first famed entertainment journalists. Neither Black's nor Tully's novels have ever been tarnished by a big budget production. As soon as I am done reading Toltz's thick comedy, I am going to move straight onto Tully's Circus Parade. As soon as any of these become attached to some visionary director, I will flaunt my experiences in having read them. Guess what, though? It'll never happen. Another book that is a great read, yet won't ever make the transition from page to screen? Jim Morrison's Adventures in the Afterlife. He meets up with Doc Holliday. Wouldn't that be great if Val Kilmer signed on to play both parts? It sure would be. I'm hoping author Mick Farren pens a sequel someday featuring Jim, Heather Ledger, and Michael Jackson.

Hey, Paulington!

I've got a real problem with my roommate. He's kind of a dirt bag, and he is constantly breaking into my room and taking my DVDs without my permission. I don't want to put them under lock and key, and he should be able to watch them when he wants. But he loans them out to friends, and they always come back with smudges and scratches. What should I do? Signed, "Pissed I Paid $20 Bucks for Watchmen DVD"

Dear Piss. If I were you, I'd get a hacksaw and scrub off his grubby little fingers. As your roommate, he should respect your property. If he can't do that, then I see no other recourse than locking up that precious DVD collection of your. Either that, or get a new roommate. You may think this is impossible, but its not. Drop that douche bag beggar and start living your own life. Even if you are in an amazing house, nothing beats a shoebox apartment when you are the only one living in it. Roommates can suck the life right out of you, and your material possessions. He doesn't care about your stuff. Why should he? That's why he shits all over you and everything you own. If he sees you getting worked up over this, he is going to continue to take it to the next level. He is probably plotting a time when he can wipe his ass with your new copy of The Proposal on DVD. It's a stinky movie that now smells like shit. Of course, you could also take the high road and realize that DVDs mean nothing in the frame of the universe. One day, you are going to die and someone is going to have to do something with all those gay ass discs you deemed worthy of your time and money. How many times do you watch them on average anyway? Not very, I am guessing. They are to be enjoyed. They are not precious jewels that need to be locked up in a safe. Let them roam free. Actually, stop buying them all together and get a Netflix account. Then who cares if they come back lathered in a sheen of black spit? Do us all a favor and stop worrying about your worthless DVD collection. They're just waiting to be dumped in a pile of useless garbage. The earlier you realize this, the sooner you can start living.

Hey, Paulington!

Out of the two horror flicks coming out this week, which one should i see. I can only afford 1. H2: Halloween 2 or The Final Destination. Signed, "Hungry for Horror"

Dear Hungry. I have not seen either film yet. If I were faced with a similar quandary, I would choose The Final Destination. Simply because it is in 3D. It will be a while before you'll get to view 3D films in your home (though the technology is coming). I've heard Rob Zombie's sequel described as "the anti-slasher" film. That shit can be viewed in your house on the cheap, and will probably be a lot creepier in the dark recesses of your lonely bedroom. I definitely want to see both films myself, so I consulted our main movie guy Brian "BG" Gallagher to see what he had to say. Since he's already seen both. And He agrees with me. The Beege stated, "The Final Destination, easily! Just make sure your theater is equipped with 3D. H2: Halloween 2 is just a boring mish-mash of cliched horror conventions and weird storytelling. While it's kinda cool how they progress Laurie's character, the rest of the flick is pretty boring. The Final Destination, on the other hand, doesn't take itself seriously...At all. it seems like they're even making fun of themselves and these kills are even more bizarre. I was laughing my balls off the entire time. The 3-D kicks ass as well." Well, there you have it. If you can't trust The Beege, who can you trust? It must also be noted that the great David Ellis, king of the modern day B genre flick, is behind The Final Destination. He also directed Final Destination 2, which I think is the best in the series. Hopefully he tops himself here. I hear he does a pretty good job of making you want to see the film a second time. And don't think I'm shitting on Rob. I am a huge fan of The Devil's Rejects, and I truly believe he is on his way to creating some masterpieces of cinema in the very near future. The dowdy word of mouth on H2: Halloween 2 probably means the cheap seaters aren't down with the musician's particular vibe. I have a feeling it will be seen as a turn in the right direction for the horror films of this decade. And in a year or two, you'll wish you'd seen it at the theater. But hey, that's what we have retro venues for.

Send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time. (If you click on the big red letters, you will be taken to an email address where you will be able to leave your questions.)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange