Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant bold letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of your emails in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!

Hey, Paulington!

From your ramblings (and your old as fuck picture), I gather that you grew up in the 80s. So you probably understand the unabashed love for this decade in film. Why are bloggers and critics so quick to compare everything to this ten-year span of time? With House of the Devil, every single review called it a "throw back to the horror films of the 80s". Now they are calling both From Paris With Love and Kevin Smith's Cop Out a "throwback to the buddy-cop genre of the 80s." I'm a kid of the late Nineties. I feel in love with movies during the 2000s. When I'm as old as you, what sort of reference point will I have to look forward to? What remakes will hurt my feelings? I don't get it. Were the 80s that special? From where I stand, the 80s can suck my big fat Dr. Manhattan dong. Signed, "Livin' in the Now, Crotch Kickers!"

Dear Crotch Kicker. The 80s multiplex landscape exploded with fun genre pictures, elevating cinema past the serious stance it took in the 70s. It was a far more kid-friendly environment. Children that grew up in this era were nursed on both the lactate-excessive breast of Star Wars and the crippling hand of director Steven Spielberg. A skinny, bearded, jean-wearing nerd deity who was quick to throw his name on just about any good movie made at that point in time. Whether he had anything to do with it or not. What you are seeing now is a generation of film critics and bloggers whose imaginations thrived during this long stretch of fun cinematic fare. And their voices have become most prominent in today's digital wasteland of useless marketing ploys and faux-reviews. For them, the 80s recall a simpler time. A happier time. And they're quick to get lost in the fantasy world of this bygone era because they're scared of the harsh reality that ensconces their ever-waking moment. The 80s is like a Pavlovian dinner bell to these saps. As soon as you yell its neon colored name into the night sky, they come running. It's a cinematic decade that has squeezed and eased itself into nearly everything we see on-screen today. And yes, it's the reason we see so many remakes and belated sequels. What the modern day 80s era critic doesn't understand is that Kids today could give fuck all about that decade. Sure, they'll watch Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and the Cheech and Chong movies, and they'll love them. Because there's nothing out there like quite like them. On that same note, their already quoting Step Brothers and Superbad as their own. The average 2010 middle schooler regards the 80s in the exact same manner we, as kids of the 80s, viewed the 50s. With a shrug. They want new, just like we wanted new back in the day. Given a chance to watch 1955's Rebel Without a Cause on TV, or head to the theater for 1985's Back to the Future, I'd have flipped off grandpa and told him, "I'm going to go watch Marty McFly kiss his mom!" All the while, Grandpa would be screaming, "You don't know what real cinema is, you lil' bastard." That didn't stop critics at the time from yelping, "Back to the Future is a throwback to the 50s, when movies were fun!" They said the same exact thing about 1987's Back to the Beach. And buddy-cop films such as Lethal Weapon were referenced against the Crosby-Hope road movies of the 40s and 50s. Which just goes to prove that everything is recyclable. And there hasn't been anything new since the advent of the projector bulb. When you're "old as fuck", you'll definitely experience a wave of 00 nostalgia. Your generation of critics will be quick to exclaim, "a throwback to the torture porn classics of the Aughts!" "This film harkens back to a time when Mumble Core ruled the Indie scene." "A real homage to the 00s super hero flick!" "Its really just an essay on the CGI animated family films from the first decade of this century." "This movie provides a real Apatowian experience that recalls a simpler time in comedy." As far as remakes? You're selling yourself short in thinking there's nothing from this past decade that can be remade. I bet you scream bloody murder when the Paul Blart: Mall Cop remake is announced. What about Hostel done up Platinum Dunes style? Again, Step Brothers is ripe for a proper remake, and it will probably hurt your feelings and feel like a real kick in the nuts when it hits theater screens in 2027. The 80s is a marketing ploy at this point. Just as the Aughts will be when you're old enough to feel nostalgic. Don't sell yourself short. Your decade in cinema has plenty of material to whore. You'll probably be the first to proclaim its weight in awesomeness while bitching about the lameness of the Twenties. In no short order, I love that. The Twenties. Egads!

Hey, Paulington!

I've been patiently waiting for a stateside release of a US-made movie called Necromentia that i just found out has been released in the UK. I could not find any indication of a USA region 1 formatted release even being planned. Here's the clincher: Netflix, Amazon (USA) and Movieweb, none of you even have a record of this movie existing. Let alone any news on a USA release date. I can buy a region 2 copy from Amazon.uk, and i have a DVD player for watching region 2 formatted discs, but i simply don't think i should have to. It was one thing when i bought a Greek version of Shivers, because that movie is long-since out of print, but this is a new movie and i don't think i should have to go through that rigmarole. I guess my question is: How does a movie made in the USA not get released in the USA, a year after it is listed as being released (according to IMDB)? Does this happen a lot? Is it possible that the release date shown was actually a reference to the UK release, and that they are actually planning on eventually putting it into theatres here someday, as they did with Descent and Run Fatboy, Run, both of which were readily available on DVD in the UK ages before they hit U.S. theatres? I mean, if so, cool, but it doesn't seem like the kind of movie that would make it into theatres here, you know? Anyway, thanks for your time and any light you can shed on this situation. Signed, "Err"

Dear Err. You sick fuck. With all that's going on in the world you're worried about getting your hands on this greasy piece of so-called trash art. "Necro" is in reference to fucking the dead. Which is frowned upon in the USA. At least it was the last time I checked. Other countries are more open to such a morbid practice, and it actually appeals to those sick monkeys in the UK. Here, we'd rather watch fallacious horse acts then corpse-grinding. Rotten-Egg vagina falls just above horror films centered on pedophilia. After snooping around the ol' Internet, some obvious signs point to the fact that pedonecrophilia might even be used as a reference point in your precious little horror movie. That said, it might be awhile before an American distributor nabs the DVD rights to this title. Your best option is that Greek Region 2 DVD you mentioned above. Order it up and eat a Gyro. Listen. This isn't an odd occurrence. There are plenty of low budget films that are picked up and distributed by foreign publishing companies. Because they can sell it in other parts of the world. And make a profit. Something they are unable to do here in the States. Just look at Larry Clark's 2002 film Ken Park, which might be the best example of this. It's a US production made by a US crew starring US actors, but its never been given a DVD release in the states. Because there isn't a state-side distributor that wants to touch it for fear of tainting themselves with the gnarly images locked inside this Harmony Korine-penned fetish fest. This doesn't go against our Freedom of Speech, as you can't be arrested for watching these films. So don't get the wrong idea. It's just that a DVD distributor hasn't stepped up to the plate yet. Because they don't feel they can make any money back from it. That earns the film the coveted title of being "banned". Once it earns them stripes, then heck yeah, it will make bank. I'd not heard of Necromentia until you brought it to my attention. Maybe the studio is trying to eek up some good ol' "bad reputation" in regards to the film before they unleash it on an unsuspecting, and more importantly, uncaring audience. When I did a search for the film, the first thing I found were a dozen file-sharing downloads. Some of which were of good quality. I don't condone bootlegging. I don't frown upon it either. My interests were peaked, so I had to take a peek. Somehow, when I cracked opened this visually terrifying crapshoot on my laptop, it also opened up a music player spinning "What Girls Like" featuring FloRida & Git Fresh. At first I was taken back. I thought, "Genius! Who uses an easy, laidback rap track while throwing the cliched, green-tinted images so often associated with Saw onto the screen?" It messed with my senses in the best possible way. But when I figured out the mistake, I was quite disappointed. Turning up the original Necromentia soundtrack finds the same old creepy chamber music that usually accompanies these sordid types of excruciating cinematic experiences. And the dialogue passage, "You were given a choice to forget everything and live your life in peace. Instead you chose Hell." Sounds a little too 05 to me. But I won't begrudge director Pearry Reginald Teo. He's made a neat looking surrealist piece of pop horror. Maybe I'll just sit here and stare at it against a backdrop of 80s rap music. Oh, I see a pig mask. Maybe I misspoke. "Necromentia is a throwback to the Halloween horrors of 2004!" Okay, now I'm just being a dick. In all seriousness, Teo's film won't be getting a theatrical release in the US. But I have it on pretty good authority from a friend deep in the horror trenches that a stateside DVD release is imminent and should be here sometime this summer. Can you wait that long? Yes. You can. (and hey, look, Err, I spelled imminent right. One gold star for me!)

QuoteHey, Paulington!

Is it weird that I am excited to see Dear John this weekend? I mean Channum Tatum is the man and he was awesome in Step It Up. Signed "Jasper".

Dear Jasper. First things first. Its Channing Tatum, and the film is Step Up. No, I don't think its weird. Nicholas Sparks, the man responsible for the novel upon which Dear John is based, writes from the male perspective. Because he's a red blooded, American man, goddamn it! That's why, when you are dragged into one of his films, you start to fall in love with it a little bit yourself. Even despite all that kicking and screaming that went on before you entered the theater. I know just as many men as I do women that love The Notebook. Though they may be closet fans and won't tell you outright. Then you have Channing, who is quickly becoming the Charles Bronson of this decade. He's a tough guy's tough guy, and he has a unique, universal appeal. (Wait, did he get a nose job after A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints? Or did he get his nose busted after Fighting? I'll go with the second option, because that makes him even tougher in my eyes.) Tatum is an action hero for this day and age, and there's nothing wrong with admiring the man's biceps from afar. He's not some Apatow wimp, and I believe he could kick some serious ass if forced into a bar brawl. Heck, I might see Dear John just for him. Amanda Seyfried's all right, but Tatum is serious business. I bet this junked up teary-eyed shit beats Avatar at the box office this weekend, Jasper. That's just how much the world is in love with Channing! And Nick Sparks. Be they male or female. So no, there is no reason to feel weird about seeing this awesome, romantic tear jerker. Even without a date on your arm.

Send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time. (If you click on the big red letters, you will be taken to an email address where you will be able to leave your questions.)

B. Alan Orange