Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!

Hey, Paulington!

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I was just looking over this /splatterfilmsmovieweb-presents-the-2009-halloween-blu-ray-buyers-guide/Blu-ray Buyer's Guide you have on the site. In your opinion, if I only had enough money to buy two discs off it for Halloween, what should those two discs be? Narrow it down for me. I can't make a good enough decision on my own because I haven't seen any of these movies yet. And there are just too many to choose from. Signed, "Hungry for Hi-Def Horror"

Dear Hungry. Why are you wasting your money on Blu-ray discs? Don't you know they'll be obsolete in less than two years? It's kind of like throwing your money directly into a shit-stained toilet. How's your job? Are you feeling secure? Maybe you want to hide that fifty-odd dollars in your shoe. It might come in handy when you're out on the street digging in the trash looking for something to eat. Invest that cash in something worthwhile. Blu-rays are garbage waiting for a dumpster. Still, if my little speech didn't just sway you to stay away from the Best Buy or Fry's, I will tell you this much: You can't go wrong with Trick 'r Treat [Blu-ray]. It's the best Halloween-themed film out there at the moment. And you will derive hours of enjoyment from watching it with your family and friends. If you're going to have a party, and you want something new, yet iconic playing in the background, this sucker will do the trick. If you're the lonely sort, it also makes a nice fall companion. What I'm trying to say is: You'll enjoy it. And you won't feel like you're throwing your money in the pooper, but instead spending it on something thematically worthwhile. It's the only disc you truly need to purchase off this list. If you still have a hankering to toss your hard earned cash out the window, I would definitely go with Night of the Creeps [Director's Cut] [Blu-ray]. Fred Dekker has made a timeless cult classic that gets better ever time you watch it. The rest of this stuff is good. Especially the Supernatural: The Complete Fourth Season [4 Discs] [Blu-ray] set. But none of it begs for repeat viewing. Do yourself a favor in the long run and rent. Rent, rent, rent! Otherwise, you are just digging yourself a big plastic hole full of useless, round, shiny objects. And you'll never be able to crawl away from it.

Hey, Paulington!

I've really gotten into watching some bad movies lately. I love them. The cheesier the better. What, in your opinion, is the worst movie of all time? I mean, is it something you can even put a stamp on? I don't want to hear Plan 9 From Outer Space, or some generic flick like that either. Working for a movie site, you've had to see some pretty horrible films in your time. Please enlighten me! Signed, "Z-Grade Hostess"

Dear Hotness. Bad movies are all subjective. Every single film out there has at least one fan. Who's to say they're wrong? While you may derive something important out of one movie, another soul might find it incredulous, worthless and a waist of time. I actually enjoy most so-called "bad" movies quite a bit. No matter what the film is, you can bet a lot of hard work went into creating it somewhere down the line. If you stare long enough, you can find at least one redeeming quality locked deep inside said film's lackluster veneer. Sometimes, a truly unwatchable stinker will make an appearance on the Cineplex scene. Seldom does a film come along that everyone hates equally. And I believe that's what you are looking for. The asshole of cinema. I'd like to hear your opinion on this, because I'm at a loss. Every movie I can think of that shit on my face has some sort of fan base out there loving it, and supporting it. You mentioned Plan 9 From Outer Space? Please, it has a legion of hard-core followers that watch it at least once a year. People love Ed Wood. Looking at Wikipedia's all-time worst list, I don't see one movie I'd single out. I actually like most of the ones here. Shuffling through all of the freebie discs and handout flicks that drift past my desk, if I had to pick out one movie, it would be Jinx'd. Which was made in 2002 and hit home video in 2004. Directed by Damon Wood, this sticks in my mind as being a truly awful experience. Its one of the few films I have ever turned off before it was over. It was about a disc jockey that wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Problem was, he wasn't funny. At all. I'll make it official. Jinx'd is the worst film of all time until someone else can prove otherwise. The gauntlet has been thrown. Go!

Hey, Paulington!

Halloween's coming up, and I have a little spare cash. I want to go to either Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights or Knotts Scary Farm. I just can't decide which is worth my time and money. What do you suggest? Where will I get the most scares for my buck? Signed, "The Whimpering Spook"

I consulted my main man Timmy, who knows all about these sorts of things. His response: "Definitely Universal. They only have four mazes, but the production value is worth it. And Horror Train is good enough to go on twice!" Good to know. Some things you should be aware of before you head out the door. General Admission to Halloween Horror Nights is $56. You can get some bucks knocked off if you buy your tickets on-line in advance. Knott's Scary Farm's Halloween Haunt is $39.99. Both are quite fun. Knott's has scarier performers out to wreck your little life, but if you're into horror movies, you'll want to check out the Saw and My Bloody Valentine 3-D attractions at Universal. It's a toss up, really. You can't go wrong with either choice. But for overall quality, Universal wins out time and again. That doesn't mean you'll have more fun there. And there are quite a fewer cheaper alternatives. If you're looking for something free and truly scary, why not check out Scientology's Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum? Or better yet, why not hunt up one of the many Trinity Church Hell House's sprinkled throughout the area? They'll scare the Christ out of you! Guaranteed.

Send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time. (If you click on the big red letters, you will be taken to an email address where you will be able to leave your questions.)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange