Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):
And he will be sure to answer all of you letters in a (somewhat) timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!
I'm about to do it. I'm about to give into the hype and go see The Twilight Saga: New Moon! Do you have any words of encouragement or advice? I am a thirty-six year old dude, and I love me some Lost Boys, but I never felt compelled to watch the first Twilight. It certainly seems like the thing to do this weekend. Am I in over my head? Should I not waist the money? I'm curious as all get out, since its all anyone is talking about today. I'm drowning in Twilight fever, and it seems inevitable. Help! Signed, Twi-fused!
Dear Twi-fused. Run, don't walk, to the nearest theater this afternoon and buy a ticket! Then marvel at all of the Twilfs (a word I coined, thank you very much) in attendance. If you're even remotely attractive, I bet you bang two of these chicks in the bathroom before the movie starts. When it ends? Whole shit, you'll be swimming in an ocean of sweet, moist Tang! I came out of a preview screening of Ninja Assassin last night to walk right into a crowd of these delicious creatures. They were awaiting the 9 pm showing of Twilight followed by a midnight screening of New Moon. These weren't fifteen-year-old jail-baiting biddies, either. They were all in their mid-to-late twenties and thirties. They were sexed to the nines. Trust me, these bitches were flesh hungry. Fuck the movie. Heading into a New Moon matinee is the equivalent of throwing yourself into a cougar den. It's the new single lady hot spot, and it beats trolling the local super market for fresh fruit and lonely soccer moms. In fact, I think most theaters have a established a New Moon policy that stats, "Thirty year old dudes trolling the isles who don't get laid moments before, during, or after a New Moon showing will get a full refund." Heck, they've even cordoned off New Moon stalls for werewolf snogging in the men's room. If you're going just for the movie? Buddy, you got serious problems. New Moon is not for some whiskey drenched mid-life crisis douche bag looking to be entertained on a Friday or Saturday night. Look around. It's getting the worst reviews of the year (from guys in our demographic, at least.) Our own thirty-year-old whiskey drenched reporter Brian Gallagher braved a screening for work. What advice does he have to give? BG says, "Ok, here we go. You are very wise to come here for this dilemma. And for the record, I'm 32. My first piece of advice is to bring earplugs. You might think that would take away from the experience. Since it will be harder to hear the film. But it also makes it harder to hear the ear-piercing shrieks that often occur whenever Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off or whenever Robert Pattinson simply appears on screen. My second piece of advice is to bring a sense of humor. This crap is pretty damn funny, but not in ways the filmmakers intended. Things that might have warmed a young girl's heart in the film made me cackle at how poorly this film was made. As far as encouragement? That I can't help you with. I can't encourage any guy to see this film...Unless it's with a girl and there is a guarantee that said guy will get laid. Good luck, brave soul. I hope your sanity and eardrums are intact after the screening. Oh, and don't forget to bring some 7&7. It will make you sparkle for the ladies." There you have it. If you're looking to get laid in the most aggressive style imaginable this weekend, buy a matinee ticket. If you've come for the movie, no one can help you, good sir. You are insane.
My older brother has been going on and on about the fact that Sho Kosugi is in Ninja Assassin. Who is he and why should I care? I've never even heard of the dude before. Signed, "Why Should I give a Fuck?"
Dear Fucked. How old are you? Did you not play with Nunchucks and throwing stars when you were a kid? Sho Kosugi is the godfather of the ninja genre. He starred in the wholly trinity of 80s ninja movies, Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and Ninja III: The Domination. Not to mention a bucket load of other kickass kung fu and ninja pictures. He's great in Ninja Assassin, playing Ozunu, the leader of a dangerous shadow cult that kidnaps orphans and trains them to be unstoppable killing machines. Sho was trained in the true art of the ninja, and isn't too old to kick Rain's butt all over the blood-soaked screen. He even gets the ultimate climatic end fight sequence. Did I mention that Ninja Assassin is an excellent gore soaked, action packed treat for ninja fans? You're going to love it, and maybe you'll come to love and appreciate Sho just as much as your brother. It's truly an honor to see him back on the big screen, where he belongs. I just hope they figure out a way for him to be in the sequel. Thanksgiving? Its all about Ninja Assassin! I'd watch that shit right now on a loop if I could.
Thanksgiving is coming up and i am torn on what to watch all damn day. Twilight Zone: The Complete Definitive Collection [28 Discs] or the Lord Of the Rings. Signed, "Stuffed and Confused"
Dear Stuffed. Why are you all so confused today? This is a no brainer. You are going to want to eat until you die, then lay on the couch and watch something that doesn't take a lot of effort. The Lord Of the Rings trilogy is certainly a smart choice, especially if you go with the extended editions. You'll only have to get up once every three hours to change the disc, unless you have one of those cool ol' timey DVD players that have a five disc changer in them. The twenty-eight disc Twilight Zone set is also good for this sorted type of leisurely activity. It's old and long, and it doesn't take much interaction on your part. You can drift in and out of these films and TV shows at your own pace. You've seen them so many times, it won't matter. A good miniseries, like NBC's original V or Stephen King's It will also do the trick. Long movies are usually filled with brain twisting moral quandaries that will have you thinking too much. You've got to find the longy-dumbys for Thanksgiving. Real pee-break inducing stretches of stupidity like The Terminal or Ishtar. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is great to have on a continuous loop for hours. Seriously, is there anything better than George Burns singing as Mr. Kite? Heck, no! When all of that thick tryptophan has shit itself out of your system, why not head down to the local Maitreyaplex and watch Ninja Assassin? That's my reel advice to you, my dear gut-filled friend.
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