Hey, Paulington! Is a Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're spicing it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):
He will be sure to answer all of your emails in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!
I am under the suspicion that NBC firing Conan was just a big conspiracy to boost ratings and everyone at the studio was in on it. Am i crazy? Singed, "Paranoid"
Dear Paranoid. I'm with you on this every step of the way. I am, and always will be, on Team Coco. I've watched from the very first episode of Late Night, when Conan brought on John Goodman as his debut guest back in 1993, to his last show tonight, featuring Tom Hanks and Will Ferrell. He's been part of my sleepless life for seventeen years. But something smells fishy about this whole operation. Ratings have skyrocketed ever since word spilled that Jay Leno was losing his 10 pm time slot. I don't think Conan was in on the conspiracy, but NBC definitely knew this would garner a lot of attention and boost ratings. That's why it was all leaked in advance. It was a keen way of promoting the new-new Tonight Show with Jay Leno. NBC thought Conan would be a push over, and accept his new "Midnight at Oh-Five" time slot. As we well know, he threw a mighty wrench into that wicked plan. NBC knew that advertising this whole mess during negotiations would peak people's interests. Both hosts bashing their own network makes for compelling television. This was the best kind of reality programming. NBC just didn't realize how well it would work out in their favor in the short run. Or how badly it would backfire in the long run. Sure, all eyes are on the Tonight Show now. But Leno has become the villian in this scenario. Something he was never supposed to be. When he returns in March, a lot of people aren't going to want to look at his enormous chin. A gauntlet has been thrown down. If and when Conan returns to reclaim late night, all eyes will be on the ratings to see who wins that coveted crown. Can Coco beat Jay flying at him head first on a different network? As it stands now, an ocean-full of Late Night fans want to see Jay fail more miserably than his 10 pm variety show has. Cancellations are usually quick affairs. This one has been long and drawn out. And it was broadcast in full. NBC knew what they were doing. And they knew it was a way of getting eyes on their flailing Network. No matter how bad they looked. It was definitely a conspiracy to get higher ratings. I have no doubt that concept played a hand in how it all went down. Most definitely.
Ever since I went to see Avatar I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora. Everything will be the same as in Avatar. It's like I want to reach out and be in Pandora. I've tried so hard to dream about me being on Pandora but it hasn't worked. Why isn't life in 3D? Please help! Signed, "Feeling Blue"
Dear Blue Balls. Mushrooms, baby! Mushrooms. I haven't seen Avatar yet. Is it really that good? I've been afraid to watch it for fear I might fall into the same deep, dark hole of depression you currently find yourself wallowing around in. Not! (I actually can't afford the $18 ticket price.) Why the fuck do you want to be a Smurf? Does this mean we're going to soon see a bunch of blue dickheads wondering the mall, getting cobalt smudge all over their Wetzel? Is Na'vith going to take over Gothdom at Hot Topic? Do you know what blue dye does to your clothes? Not to mention the walls of your house? Have you not experienced the plight of Tobias Funke on Arrested Development? Oh, wait. The Na'vi don't wear clothes and they live in an ever-glow tree. Please, sir. If you're this knee-deep into the faux-world James Cameron ripped off from the cover of some El Ron Hubbard book, you probably aren't the type of creature I want to find naked in my favorite Oak. If you climb up there, I am shooting you relentlessly with a BB gun. That's a solid promise. Tears and shivers might indicate that you, good sir, have the pig flu. H1N1. The delirium from that sickness, mixed with the weight of IMAX and 3D must have knocked your silly meter loose. I can empathize with you, but not really sympathize. When I was a kid, I wanted to be one of the Frog Brothers. I accomplished that by fashioning a wood stake out of a table leg in the backyard and then terrorizing the Goth kids at the super market with it. When I was a kid, I wanted to live on Hoth. I accomplished that by playing with my action figures in the snow. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Joe and jump into a Volcano. I accomplished that by surfing on one of my dad's old Samsonite suitcases. The key phrase here is: When I was a kid! You are a grown adult. You need to get a grip on reality. It's a movie, fool. You need to find an outlet for this imagination porthole James Cameron has opened up in your mind. That's the cool thing about Avatar. It's allowing imagination-deficient teens to daydream for the first time. And that concept is blowing their CGI-riddled minds away. Suicide certainly isn't the answer. Even if it was, would you really want to be locked in the computerized world of some horrible B movie? Once there, you'd soon find yourself immersed in the same kinds of problems you have here. On planet earth. Soul-electricity bills would start piling up. The blue girls will all hate you. After a day, you'd turn into the same wretched, depressed fop you are right now. Why? Because you're not happy with yourself. And no blue planet is going to fix that for you. No one really knows what happens when you die. If you kill yourself, you'll most likely be forced into a black hole that will rip your soul apart. Not to mention the pain and grief it will bring to your friends and family. All because you want to live on Pandora. That's the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Get out of here with that nonsense. Go see From Paris With Love. Just don't come back saying you want to shave your head and be John Travolta. Then I'll have to smack your ass with a nail-laden two-by-four.
I just read your story about Lost Boys 3: The Thirst. Why are they continuing on with this shitty series? The second one was an act of blasphemy. A waist of my time, and it completely destroyed my good will towards the original. Why does Hollywood keep making these crappy DVD sequels to films that came out a bazillion years ago? Why must I have my favorite film memories fucked with? LB3 can eat my ass, and so can Feldman. Suck it, Frog! - Signed, "Disgruntled Video Store Employee"
Dear Disgruntled. I understand your anger. Video stores are a dinosaur, and VOD is the meteor that killed them. But look on the bright side. You'll no longer have to stand behind the cash register all day, staring at horrible sequels like Lost Boys: The Tribe. This is a delicate film. Its equal parts good and bad. Feldman gives one of his best performances to date as Edgar Frog, and every scene he graces is golden. We're lucky he's in the picture at all. Producers at Warner Direct use their video franchises to lull in that key teen demographic. With the popularity of Vampires so prevalent on the market at this point in entertainment history, they knew The Lost Boys would be a lucrative title for them. The original came out exactly twenty years to the day that Lost Boys: The Tribe was released. While Warner wanted to keep fans happy, they knew they had to pull in a whole new generation of viewers unfamiliar with the legacy of both Feldman and Haim. They had to make the film appeal to teens first. That's why we basically got a very shitty remake of that first film. Its high schoolers falling in with the wrong crowd all over again. Something the youngsters could relate too. What Warner didn't understand, apparently, was that all we wanted was a Feldman-Haim reunion. And more importantly, we just wanted a straight up Frog Brothers and Sam film. They sprinkled Feldman in like a spice. They hardly gave him any scenes at all. But goddamn it, Feldman rocked what precious time he had out of the park. This dull, dying film sparked to brilliant life every time he walked on screen. Proving Edgar Frog to be one of the greatest Vampire Killers to ever grace the horror genre. The reviews amplified this. Feldman's fans were very vocal, and new teen viewers were quick to understand the importance of the Frog Brothers. And their awesomeness. Warner Direct finally saw the light. In moving ahead with any further Lost Boys sequels, they realized that it would have to revolve around Edgar and Alan Frog. Otherwise no one would give a shit. While the upcoming Lost Boys 3: The Thirst might not be the sequel we've always hoped for, it will be a Frog Brothers film. One that Feldman and his on-screen brother Jamison Newlander had some say in. That's what we, as fans, want at this point. And it's looking to be as awesome as we'd hoped. Have faith. Lost Boys 3: The Thirst has the potential to be very good. And I, for one, am looking forward to buying it when it gets released.
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