Hey, Paulington! Is a new Cinephile advice column that looks at life, love, and the movies. Anyone can send in a question, and Paulington will answer it. Sure, it's a really cryptic, cliched concept that has been around since the dawn of time. But we're going to spice it up a little bit. Topics can range from anything: Sex, violence, haints and taints, your favorite movie! Paulington doesn't care. He's basically doing it for a paycheck. He's not really an expert on anything. But he sure does know a lot about movies and human nature. You can send your questions to (as in, click on the giant red letters and you will automatically be sent to his email):

Hey, Paulington!

And he will be sure to answer all of them in a very timely manner. Here are this week's letters. Enjoy!

Hey, Paulington!

I'm having a mad argument with my roommate, and now I have a big bet riding on it. Please help me win one hundred dollars and a free meal at Arby's. We just watched an episode of Family Guy, and this fat yellow man in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat comes out singing about cheese. He then says, "I smoked a whole bunch of crack!" I know for a fact that this is Twinkie the Kid. But my roommate has turned blue in the face telling me that it's not Twinkie the Kid. Though, he can't tell me who it's supposed to be. Settle this argument once and for all. Please! Here is a link I found on youtube with the character in question. Now where's my money. - Signed, "Big Bet Winner"

Dear Loser. You are so wrong. I've only seen a handful of Family Guy episodes, so I appreciate the link. Otherwise I wouldn't have known what the heck you were talking about (honestly, I thought maybe you were on crack). While this weird yellow man does look a lot like Twinkie the Kid after he ate a bunch of cheese, he is in fact Timer, a microscopic organism that lives inside the human body. He's a cheese-loving cad that dances around inside your stomach, shouting, "Time for Timer!" His daily job is to stir up acid and let you know you're hungry. He is that loud rumbling in your belly, a single cell spec that dances a jig while offering up unique recipes like The Wagon Wheel (a piece of Swiss between two crackers). He is the more advanced amoeba, and he has the power of teleportation. He can also make a mean batch of Sunshine on a Stick (frozen orange juice ice cubes on a toothpick). Timer made his first appearance on the ABC Afterschool Special titled The Incredible, Indelible, Magical, Physical Mystery Trip followed by an appearance in The Magical Mystery Trip Through Little Red's Head. He then went on to headline a bunch of infectious minute long PSAs for ABC that ran on Saturday morning all throughout the 70s. Here is a link to his most famous song and dance number. Thanks a lot, jerk. You've lost a hundred bucks and now you've stuck this goddamn song back in my head. It only took thirty years to scrub it free. "I hanker for a hunk of, a slab, or slice, or chunk of, a snackerty is a winner, and it won't spoil my dinner, I hanker for a hunk of cheese! Yahoo!" Dick.

Hey, Paulington!

I am only thirteen years old, so please don't be too harsh on me. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is one of my favorite movies. One of my friends at school said there was a Ferris Bueller TV show, but I didn't believe him. Until I looked it up on youtube! Sure enough, there it was. And God, is it awful. I could hardly watch it. As a fan of 80s movies, are their any other TV shows that were spun off from some of the more popular films of that era? I'd like to check them out just for the fun of it. Do you think any of these will ever be released on DVD? - Signed, "OMG!"

Dear OMG. There are so many films from the 80s that got spun into their own TV shows, it's truly mind-blowing. Especially considering how atrocious they were on just about every level. Most were unwatchable, and only lasted a mere couple of episodes. The worst had to be Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, which ran for seven episodes on Fox in 1992. You can check out a scene here. Bill and Ted also got their own Saturday morning animated half-hour, which was actually pretty great. It starred the voices of George Carlin, Keanu Reeves, and Alex Winter. Some of the episodes were released as an extra feature on Bill & Ted's Most Excellent Collection [WS] [3 Discs]. One of the weirdest 80s spin-offs had to be Bagdad Cafe, which starred Whoopi Goldberg and Edith Bunker. It was based on Percy Aldon's very strange surrealist comedy of the same name from 1987. It only lasted one season, and at this time there are no clips on youtube. Also running for just seven episodes was Fast Times, based on Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the iconic Amy Heckerling comedy that made Sean Penn a star. Dean Cameron takes over as stoner Spicoli, with Ray Walston reprising his role as Mr. Hand. Here is a link. It actually doesn't look that bad (is that Patrick Dempsey and the kid from The Wonder Years?) Delta House was a half-hour sitcom inspired by Animal House, and it stars a lot of the same actors in the roles they made famous. Blue Thunder was turned into an hour long drama, but was cancelled after one year due to it being constantly beaten in the ratings by the much more popular Airwolf. Highlander the series was probably the most well-received and longest running of the 80s spin-offs, and it continues to air in syndication to this day. Private Benjamin was also slightly more successful than the others, airing for nearly three years. John Like Ferris, John Hughes also had his Uncle Buck turned into a television series. It, like most of these failed enterprises, ran for just one year before disappearing off the airwaves. Richard Pryor's Bustin' Loose also got the television treatment, and lasted a single year in syndication. Lasting half a season was Dirty Dancing, which was basically a prolonged remake of the film. And Fox managed to turn the Bette Midler comedy Down and Out in Beverly Hills into a pretty piss poor show. And let's not forget there was a live action Police Academy series. Hopefully that gives you some sort of idea. Have fun with it! (I could Google this shit all day!)

Hey, Paulington!

My dog doesn't usually look at the TV. But she's been obsessed with Southland. What's up with that. - Signed, "Curios Monkey"

Dear Monkey. Southland is a stellar show. I've enjoyed it quite a bit, and like your pooch, I don't often look at the TV. It could be Sean Hatosy's hot bitch drug dog. It was so sexy the way she chewed into that kid's hand last week. Or, it's possible that She's infatuated with Ben Mackenzie. I know I am. It's also possible that your dog has a thing for Patrick Fischler, a great actor who's proven to be pretty powerful in pulling in that doggy demographic. Geez, why do you think he's on nearly every popular show right now? It's the canine populace. They love him. Watch tonight, and tell me you don't notice an upgrade in the number of dog food commercials. Some experts claim that dogs aren't able to perceive the images they see on a television screen the same way we are. When we see another animal on our HD set, it looks like nothing more than a black bouncing ball to them. How do scientist know this? I haven't a clue. My dog watched something on Animal Planet the other day. She seemed intrigued by the goats and pigs. Humans came on, and she stopped caring. There are no smells coming from the television, and this might account for your mutt's disinterest in other shows. If a whiff of puppy chow was emitting from your new TV, she might be more into it. There are a lot of flashing lights and siren noises in Southland. That may be urging her eyes towards the excellent NBC program. Why don't you put on an episode of The O.C. and see how she responds to that. I'm more than positive Ryan's the reason your dog likes that show.

Send your questions about love, life, and the movies to:

Hey, Paulington!

Hope you have a great week! See you next time. (If you click on the big red letters, you will be taken to an email address where you will be able to leave your questions.)

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange