1 Year. 1040 Beers (and then some).
Everyday seems like Thursday to me. I don't mean that every day feels like a Thursday. The Cosby Show and Night Court, no! I mean that every time I turn around for a second, I turn back, and its Thursday already. Where did the week go? Did I do anything important with my week? Not really. I don't remember. Friday, I got drunk. So drunk I don't recall most of the day. I woke up Saturday, still in a haze. Then I got drunk. Again. I don't recall most of that day either. I usually spend Sunday sleeping off the wreckage. Then I work Swing Shift Mon-Wed. Working Swing can really kill your life away. It all disappears so suddenly. Then, Goddamn it, it's Thursday again. The only real day. My sober day. The one day where I can watch the OC and not worry about anything else. Maybe Thursday lasts so long because I work the graveyard shift. That doubles my day. Instead of Daylight Savings Time, maybe we should extend everyday to twice its length. We'd get a lot more done. Time wouldn't move so fast. We'd be a lot younger. And I might feel like I accomplished something.
What happened to this past week? Did I watch any movies? Yeah. I saw Star Wars Episode III on DVD. It took me four days to watch. I'm still not through the documentaries yet. And I watched the first hour of The Devil's Rejects. Did I do anything creative? Well, I'm writing this column, and that's a start. Did I stop and cherish my time spent on this Earth? No, I spent the week worrying about a situation I couldn't control if I wanted too. It gave me an ulcer and had me praying for this weekend to never come. But then, of course it did. Quicker than ever before. It's at my doorstep. Before I could catch a breath, I realized I was yet again on the verge of my work holiday. Damn it. Then I noticed something that really bugged me out. I went to finish this month's I Hate You piece (something about Harry Potter, a Ghost Shark, and being Handicapable…You'll have to wait a week or two for it I guess) and I saw that my first ever I HATE YOU column was posted on…Gulp…November 9th, 2004.
That's exactly one year ago today. The 9th. Of November. Holy f*ck sh*t tard. Has it been a year already? What a difference a beer makes. I sure did drink a lot of them. I can't believe that these past twelve months have zoomed by so fast. Within a blink of an eye. No wonder I got in an argument yesterday. I swore up and down that Van Helsing was released this summer. Come on, it's been two summers since that piece of cocksh*t came out? You're kidding me.
This is "I HATE YOU. AND YOUR STUPID MOVIE."'s first anniversary. That thought alone has given me a stomach ache. I should be doing something better with my life. I should get a better job. I should find a girlfriend. I should do a lot of things. Maybe join the Police Academy. But that'll all have to wait. Because instead of embarking on those journeys just yet, I'm going to take a look at this past year. I know that kind of nonsense should come in January. But November 9th is a celebration. A birthday. An earmarker for my self. And only I could be so bloated.
Originally titled "I HATE YOU. AND YOUR FAGGOT MOVIE" (which got changed for obvious reasons), this column started because I was tried of writing reviews that were getting trampled and tossed out of sight by less talented writers. I'm not boasting; some of you hack couch critics just plain suck. And it's a dog eat dog world in the land of Internet Journalism. The owners of this site (who love the job I do, so complain all you want) decided they wanted me doing an edgy "f*ck you" Hollywood type piece every two weeks. That wouldn't be so hard. The news came right in the midst of a coup against me and another beloved fellow here at ol' Movieweb. What an easy out.
Yes. This same time last year Lion's Gate had pretty much banned me from seeing SAW and any of their other movies for as long as I lived. Funny, now that I think about it. The story became legend around these parts. A joking matter, if you will. And the heated controversy fueled the first ever I HATE YOU piece into existence. Its old news now; and it's been told a thousand times (see the IHU entitled BANNED). I was thrown into a room with Saw director James Wan and his writing partner Leigh Whannell, alone. I hadn't seen their movie. They knew that. I proceeded to pull out a sheet of paper with questions on it written by my old Soju After Movie co-host Blake Snyder (he also wrote Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot and this super-awesome new book on screenwriting called Save the Cat; you should really pick it up). They were funny questions. Nothing too mean spirited. The guys seemed to be enjoying themselves. But then, a day or two later, I hear that they hate my guts. And that I'm the Devil. That I'm scarier than anything they put into their gruesome movie. And so this whole stupid controversy exploded where Lion's Gate basically put a Jihad out on me and anyone associated with me (sorry, Mantooth; I honestly am).
Don't worry. It didn't last too long.
I'm happy to announce that I've since won them over with my charming personality. After about seven months of being blacklisted, I got an invite to see High Tension. Which I did. I liked it a lot and gave it a good review. Yah, me! They even allowed me to interview the director, Alexandra Aja. Guess what? I didn't piss him off. Before I knew it, requests for me too attend screenings and junkets were coming in by the boat load. I even garnered a space on the RED Carpet for the premier of Rob Zombie's Devil's Rejects (which Mushy got a TV quote on; I love that guy). See, if you just give me a little bit of time and patience, I'll become your best friend in the whole world. Its like this girl said not too long ago, I'm like an all purpose vitamin. It hurts to swallow me, but once you have me swimming around in your system, I can do nothing but good.
One year later, I'm back in the good graces of Lion's gate. (+1) Though noted, I still haven't seen Saw II. Well, it came to my attention tonight that Mantooth and I will be doing an audio commentary for the Saw II DVD in the very near future. He suggests we call it Saw Poo. I liked that idea. A lot.
The second IHU column dealt mostly with The Polar Express, an actor's need to play every character in a movie (see Tom Hanks, Mike Myers, and Eddie Murphy), and the state of digital animation as a whole. Well, since then we've been bombarded with horrible CGI'd talking animal cartoons that make me hate movies a little bit more each day. I didn't want to see Madagascar. And I don't want to see Chicken Little. The saddest thing of all is that I just received a screening pass for the re-issue of Polar Express. That's right; they're putting the 70 millimeter 3-D version back in IMAX theaters for the holidays. I just don't know if I can stomach those Hank Automatons that come out and sing the Hot Chocolate song. Its more horrifying than any zombie flick I've ever seen. It's like a Nazi Holocaust Dream. No Jewish kids are allowed on the Polar Express, and I'm not jumping onboard this Anti-Semitic train ever again. (-1)
Next came a very specific rant about the 10 worst DVDs I'd ever purchased, most of them site unseen. At that time, I was buying up stuff left and right. I had a friend here at work that was getting a lot of discs sent in from the studios. You know, screening copies of all the big releases. And she was selling them to me for below half-price. Suddenly, I didn't care what I was buying. I was tossing out fives and tens for sh*t like the Hilary Duff voiced In Search of Santa and her rival Lindsey Lohan's Confessions of a Teenage Beauty Queen (neither of which made the list by the way). I already had a bad habit, and it was made worse by lowered, illegal prices. Pretty soon, stacks of plastic were crowding the floor of my tiny one bedroom apartment. I didn't have room to breath. Well, you may have noticed that I'd previously written about a pact my friend Teebz and I made when we bought our first DVD players. That we wouldn't ever sell any DVD we'd purchased or received as a gift. I held that promise for five straight years. Then I decided to do a little house cleaning. I was going away for vacation and needed a couple of extra bucks. I bagged up three tight brown sacks of DVD awfulness and hauled them to Amoeba. And, yes, all 10 of my Worst DVDs Ever Purchased made the journey. Those sucker bitches over on Sunset bought them all. I got back 5 hundred dollars. Then I turned around and spent it all on beer in Seattle. Mac & Jack's African Ale never tasted so good. (+1)
I also went on in another column about HD-DVD and the BLU-Ray disc. At the time, it seemed like the two formats were upon us in a most egregious manner. I'd spent all this time and energy collecting what was essentially a garbage heap (i.e. my DVDs). I thought that kind of sucked. I figured Hollywood owed it to me to release the last 23 films I needed to complete my collection. That was a year ago, and still, HD-DVD and the BLU-Ray disc are still in the discussion phases. Not one movie has appeared in-store on either format. What gives? I thought this technology was right around the corner. I jumped the gun in thinking I had to discard all my Versatile Discs. The good news is, someone must have read that particular column. Because at least a few of the titles I requested are now sitting on my shelf. 4 out of the 23 to be exact. And another soon on the way.
License to Drive, Moving Violations, Night of the Lepus, and Heartbeeps have all seen a proper release this past year. Some with awesome special features. And The Frisco Kid is being released on February 14th. That's good news.
Sadly, there are still 18 DVDs that have not been announced for release. What the f*ck? Come on, guys. You're running out of time. I gave you a full year, and you've failed me. I still need Song of the South (yeah, I've heard rumor of the Platinum Edition Disney plans to put out; I'll believe it when I see it), the Willard/Ben double feature, Scavenger Hunt, The Star Wars Christmas Special (a cold day in Hell), Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure, Night of the Creeps, Night of the Comet, Nate & Hayes, Terror Vision, My Demon Lover, Earthbound, Hot to Trot, Blood Beach, Big Foot & Wild Boy, Blind Rage, K. Gordon Murray's Puss ‘n Boots, It's the Garry Shandling Show, and My Sweaty Affair (I hear most of the prints for this one have been destroyed). Come on, you bastards. I'm going to be checking on you this time next year. Kick these sonvabitches out! (-1)
Back in November of 2004, I devoted way too many pages to Oliver Stone and Zatoichi respectively. Stone hasn't really done anything since Alexander came out, except bitch about the state of Hollywood. I think he also got arrested for driving under many influences. And he's prepping an expose on 9/11. Val Kilmer may or may not be in it. My feelings on both Zatoichi and Alexander have not changed over the course of this year. I still think they're both ambitious failures. I haven't gone back and watched either film a second time. And I never did get around to watching Sonatine, which was included as a double feature with the Zatoichi disc. It's still sitting on my shelf collecting dust. Yes. I guess I should have sold it to Amoeba, too. Huh? (-2)
I wrote about Asian Rape. That didn't win me any girlfriends. In fact, it lost me a few male friends. I ended up kicking the Angel Guts box set into the face of my buddy Beau. He took the set and attempted to sell it at his garage sale for ten bucks. I stole it back and sold it with my bags of stuff at the record store. I think I only got about six dollars for it. (-1)
Then there came my excessive rant on Urotheatrophobia. This is the fear of having to go the bathroom during a movie, so to compensate you go about a hundred times beforehand. It's very closely related to OCD. I thought I was exposing a great epidemic. I thought thousands of sufferers would come to the forefront and thank me for giving a voice to their disorder. Sadly, no one knew what the Hell I was talking about. Apparently, I'm the only one that suffers from this certain phobia. One I've self-cured, for the most part. Now, I only go to the bathroom twice before a movie starts. And I made it through two films this year with a large drink in hand. That's a huge leap forward. (+3)
Basically, as you can see, I had a bunch of pity grips this past year. None of them really add up to much. Vin Diesel got mad at me for outing him, and Disney pulled some of their ads. That's why you'll see a Mad-Libs column that doesn't quite make sense. I stayed true to my rant about summer and reviewing movies. That's why you don't see too many B. Alan Orange critiques anymore. No one really misses them anyway. And I really did Hate the new Star Wars film. The more times I watch it, the more times I can't stand it. But something must be going on, because I keep going back to it. Weird.
Well, sitting here, alone, again, on a Thursday Night, I have to wonder what the following year has in store for me. I can't even fathom. All I know is that it's going to go by in a blink of an eye, if this past week is any indication. Time wont stop for me. Soon, this will all be gone, and none of it will have ever mattered. I need to get out of this apartment. I need to find something important to do. I need to get off my ass and go see a movie…
And, oh yeah…About that boxing match? It never happened. Apparently I ruined Bouncy Boxing for everybody. That's okay; my opponent and I became good friends. And that boxing training did drop a few pounds off my fat frame. I've tried to keep up with the jogging, but the whole crunch and push-up thing is for the dogs.
Anyway, I still Hate You. And I still Hate Your Stupid Faggot Ass F*cked-Up Movie. So get it out of my FACE!
Maybe I'll change my attitude next year.
But I doubt it…(Stay tuned. A New Season of Soju After Movie is coming very soon!)