I HATE YOU. AND YOUR POOPY MOVIE.
"House of Poop"
by B. Alan Orange & Poopy Bear!
"Fernando!" I can't win. It's a fact. Of history. When I die, all of my dirt bag friends will still curse my rotting corpse. "Oh, the house is on fire! Let's blame B. Alan. It must be his fault! If his spirit wasn't lingering around this damned place, it never would have happened!" I'm the perfect scapegoat. I can't do anything right. It's written in the stars, like the best kind of astrological sign. All I wanted to do was go up into the hills with my newfound female acquaintance and slow dance on the hood of my Tercel (ala Corey Haim) whilst listening to the best of Abba. Everything was going fine. It looked like it might happen. Then I asked if she wanted to go have pancakes.
"What makes you think I want to go have pancakes?" Time and space stopped. The moments following this question are a little hazy. I don't remember what I said, but it must have been bad. Real bad. Because she clocked me with ten fingers, simultaneously. Both fists went up against my face. "Geez." It's the story of my life. That hot girl stormed off, and I haven't seen her since. Yes, she was a little bigger than your average Hollywood starlet. I.E.: She was normal-sized. But here, in Los Angeles, just a tiny bit of heft in your jean pocket can lead to bouts of self doubt and mirror deprecation. Whatever comment I slipped into the wind hit hard. She thought I was making fun of her nonexistent weight issue. Which I wasn't. I just wanted something to eat. I would have loved to sit across from her gorgeous face while doing so. But that simple dream is impossible. Because I'm misunderstood. And my jokes carry a lofty ambivalence. They're hard to swallow when you've only known me for about seven minutes.
It's true; I'm not funny. At all. But you already knew that.
It's not just girls I find myself getting into trouble with these days. For about the past seven months, I can't do anything to make Movieweb, or, especially, the studios it's trying to pimp, happy. I keep offering both sides of the issue a heaping pile of delicious Pancakes, made with the bloody stumps of my chewed off fingers. All they see is the word "f*ck", as if it's hiding behind my intentions. I say the nicest stuff; no one notices. I jokingly call one of our leading action stars a homosexual; I get beat with a wooden spoon the size of a Buick car door. Ouch. It hurts. And I'm doing my best to please everyone. But it just doesn't matter. I can't win. No matter how hard I try.
So, today, I'm going to introduce someone to you. A new member of the MovieWeb family. I think he'll win over your heart more than I ever could. I figure I'd bring him in to help me; because I can't ask a question right, or type an interview column the proper way. I wasn't quite sure how to acclimate this new friend into your Media Consumed lifestyle. Then I came across a really cool site that helped with my dilemma. Check it out by clicking: www.poobala.com. Do it now…
What does that mean? I'm not sure, but this webpage, created by Thom Holbrook, is devoted to the gentle art of Television Crossovers. Browsing through its content got me to thinking; has there ever been an Internet Website crossover? Where one character from a certain webpage leaps to another? You know, to shine a certain light on both websites (like Diff'rent Strokes did with hello, Larry), and get readers of each to take a look at the other? Okay, okay…There are "links". But that doesn't count. And Fred Topel, a character in his own right, often shills for both Movieweb and Chud, and a whole slew of other on-line publications. But he never openly acknowledges his affiliation with any of us. He's like a roaming free agent. So, he doesn't count, either…
What I wanted to do was have a major site crossover here at Movieweb with another site I frequent quite a bit. The rest of this column might seem a bit redundant for those already familiar with www.hasservision.com, since they've already hit with many compelling articles about our new little friend: Poopy Bear.
Who, or what is, Poopy Bear? Well, he's the immaculate discovery of one Gregory Hasser, editor at www.hasservision.com. Poops (as Paris Hilton calls him; will get to that in a minute) was found loitering around the Portland-based Studio where Hasser works as a Television News Producer. Right away, Hasser noticed something special about Poops. The bear seemed to be a real go-getter. An attention grabber. The kid was destined for great things, and Hasser knew it. He did everything he could to train and school Poopy Bear in the ways of awesomeness. Around Hasser's bustling News Room, Poops got a reputation as an observant, compassionate interviewer. He was gaining a bit of notoriety, but his bouts with a certain personal problem kept him from really shinning in the spotlight. Yes, sad to say, but Poops suffers from IBS. (I mean, seriously, where do you think he got his name?) The poor little guy has irritable bowel syndrome. (And sometimes, he likes to eat his own feces.) Poopy became an embarrassment, and was soon rendered a liability on the Portland scene. Even though Hasser didn't want to do it, he had to put the bear up for adoption. Gregory's hope was that the bear could find a more tolerant home.
Essentially, I saved Poopy Bear from the Ebay pound. I knew the little guy was something special, and I didn't want to see him shipped off to some abusive retirement center for the handicapable (if you don't think IBS is a handicap, then you're sadly mistaken). So, Hasser shipped him off to live with me here, in Hollywood. Anyone can get a job in this town, even a little white bear with poo stuck to his butt fur. Once he arrived, it didn't take Poops long at all to find his niche. The first night in town, he hit the Jeff Electric party on Sunset, where he met many delectable babes. The guy was a hit. Boozing and cruising in the fast lane of celebrity. He even got some hot black chick's number. The next day, he appeared on Movieweb's on-line Entertainment News program Soju After Movie, where he stole the show (and that little bear didn't even say anything; he's gotten more fan mail than either me or Mantooth combined).
Our Webmaster, B2, caught wind of ol' Poops and decided he'd make a way better candidate for star interviewer than fat, ugly me. Almost instantaneously, he set Poopy up with his first ever junket assignment . That's right, Poops (with Paulington Ray Christensen Jr. acting as a chaperone) got to hang out with Paris Hilton and Elisha Cuthbert, while I stayed at home and cleaned up the bear's party mess from the night before. (There's still a hooker in the bathroom)…
Well, without further a due, here's Poopy Bear's House of Wax coverage!
"THE STRAIGHT POOP with POOPY BEAR!"
Hi, here's a photo essay from my recent journey to the Warner Brother Soundstages. First up is a picture of my new home. It's located pretty close to the WB lot. B. Alan Orange also lives here. This place is a crazy museum full of crap I'm not allowed to touch. There are tons of autographs (from people I've never even heard of before like Kym J. and James Wan) and a bunch of little plastic figurines all over the place. I accidentally got poo on his Revenge of the Sith Vader toy. Shh! Don't tell him! He might kill me!
Hilton: Yeah. He's so funny. He's so cool. He's nice.
Poopy: Did you bring your dogs to Australia for House of Wax?
Hilton: No. You're not allowed to.
Poopy: How gross was it to work with the wax?
Hilton: I, actually, didn't have any scenes with wax. Thank God. I went into the Wax thing and looked around. That was enough for me.
Poopy: Do you think your fans will get a thrill out of seeing you killed, or do you think they'll be sad?
Hilton: I think it's such a great death scene. This is a fun summer movie. It's not sad, its fun. And it's such a great, cool death scene. I was screaming when it happened. It's cool looking.
Poopy: What did you think about having to do a striptease? Were those your own moves?
Hilton: That was really scary. I was embarrassed. I don't like my body…But it looks really good.
Poopy: Was this your best experience on camera yet?
Hilton: Yes, I think it's really hot.
I also got to meet Elisha Cuthbert, that super hottie from The Girl Next Door and 24 (Keifer could have never quaffed her out of his pee hole; I'm calling "false advertising"). She's really pretty in person, but I don't think she liked me very much. She said, "You stink!" I told her she was beautiful. I've included some questions that I asked her…
Poopy: So, House of Wax? What did you think about being the girl walking around in the short shorts?
Cuthbert: Oh, I had jeans on. Don't be silly. Short shorts? Oh, I see what you're saying. Out of the tent, I did have short shorts on. I'm the silly one.
Poopy: How did you make getting your finger cut off seem so real? How did you make getting your lips glued together seem so real?
Cuthbert: I don't know. I just went for it, you know?
Poopy: Did you suffer any injures, you beautiful thing?
Cuthbert: I got hit in the face by Brian Van Holt. The lips, though! We had this really genius idea that we were going to have fake glue. The blood capsule. The whole bit. But then we got there, and it was out the window. I said, "Guys! We really have to glue these lips. We used a form of Crazy Glue, but we had a solution that removed it afterwards. There was no way for me to simulate my lips tugging at each other without using real glue.
Poopy: Are you a camper?
Cuthbert: No, not really.
Poopy: Is Paris Hilton really a serious actress?
Cuthbert: I think she is now. I had my apprehensions. I won't sit here and say I was thrilled. I take what I do very seriously. I care about my craft. And I care about the movies I'm in. You're only as good as the people you surround yourself with. I had a huge conversation with Joel (Silver). And it was the idea that Paris is sort of our version of Drew Barrymore in Scream. But not completely. She has a real character. She was so gung ho about it. She was on time. She showed up. She did a good job. I enjoy watching her in the film.
Poopy: Where do you go to party?
Cuthbert: We go out to dinner a lot. None of us really cook. I think we should start. It would be a lot less expensive. But all of my friends, we go out to really big dinners. There's always a big group of us. Afterwards, we might play poker. I play a lot of poker. And I'm winning. They underestimate me.
Poopy: Do you have any hobbies?
Cuthbert: I've always painted. I used to do that a lot. I just bought a new house; I've been working on that.
Next are a couple of photos I took on the soundstages at Warner Brothers. They brought in a lot of the House of Wax props and set them up for us to look at. The first one is of the Maid that scares Elisha Cuthbert into a screaming fit. The second one is a dinner scene made completely out of wax, including the table and all the silverware. The Third and last picture is of the Wax Jared Padalecki figurine, which was really spooky. It looked just like him.
Padalecki: Luckily, I was not. This is not amazing reconstructive surgery.
Poopy: The press notes say you're doing MacGyver?
Padalecki: You know what? That was a show I did a year ago. And it didn't end up going.
Poopy: Did that ever get shown on TV at all?
Padalecki: I have no idea. I know they did some type of test screening for it. Like the pilot I'm working on now, I just film it and assume it will never be seen.
Poopy: Do you have a copy of it?
Padalecki: I do not. That would be cool, right? I was a huge MacGyver fan. I would have loved to seen it.
Poopy: If you could have one person or thing be a wax statue in your house, what would it be and why?
Padalecki: Probably Brooke Burke. She's my favorite.
The last person I met from the cast was Chad Michael Murray. He didn't like me one bit, and he thought I was gross. So, I eat my own poop? Sue me! Chad turned out to be an alright guy once he got over my dehabilitating handicap. I managed not to get any poop on him. He was a neat guy. "I love you Chad Michael Murray!"
Murray: Oh God, I wish I knew. I think it was my father. I think he instilled good morals in me. To the point where I don't have to give into peer pressure.
Poopy: Have you ever felt that a higher power was looking out for you?
Murray: That's such a loaded question. I have my own spirituality. I'd rather keep that to myself. I relax when I need to.
Poopy: Were you "hands on" with the wax?
Murray: I touched enough wax in this movie, God! I didn't get to play with it, really. We had compounds for days. They had a melted wax that would drip down the walls. That wasn't CG. They had wax for all the fires; that was real. I wasn't involved in the post-production process, so I can't tell you what wasn't real. On set, it was all real wax. There was this one scenario. We called it the "peanut butter bed". For the conclusion, when I'm wrestling around in that bed. The first time we did it, the compound wasn't dense enough. So, we sunk right to the bottom. It took three or four guys to yank us out. We literally couldn't get out. If you got one arm up, the other would sink. You couldn't get out of this crap.
Poopy: And that guy was pinned on top of you?
Murray: Yeah. Wonderful, right? You don't want to lie in hot, melting wax. Probably not a good idea.
Poopy: Do you have any plans to give up the TV show?
Murray: I'm a man of my word. I made a commitment, and I'm going to stick with my commitments. As long as they'll have me. I'm there for four more years. I'm a happy man.
Poopy: Are there any rumors about yourself that you'd like to clear up?
Murray: I've gotten rid of most of them. I've gotten married, so people can stop saying I'm in clubs, making out with other people. Especially when I'm not there.
Later on in the day, I bumped into Joel Silver, and the writers of House of Wax, Chad & Carey Hayes. Joel wanted nothing to do with me. I went to get a picture with him, and he basically told me to get out of his face. I guess I won't be making an appearance in Lethal Weapon 5. Too bad, I got more kicks than Jet Li and Joe Pesci combined. Chad & Carey, on the other hand, thought I was the bee's knees! They might write my biography in the very near future. It'll be one Hell of a show. Maybe they can get Chad Michael Murray to play B. Alan. Talk about type casting….
(All of Poopy Bear's questions came from contributing sources. All of Poopy Bear's photos were snapped by Paulington.)