So instead of the long and boring story about who won this and who won that, I'll be your timeline for the biggest awards show in the world - The Oscars.
I live two streets over from the Kodak Theater, so there's no better place to be to report on the Academy Awards - that's why I'm in San Francisco.
5:00pm - Ok, the beginning was cute with Robin Williams voicing his penguin character from Happy Feet.
5:03pm - Lisa Ling does an awful interview with Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts; all we could talk about is when Invasion will be coming out.
5:05pm - What the hell is talking to Jennifer Hudson; she looks so uncomfortable and cold. By the way, I'm hoping she will win.
5:07pm - Chris Connelly, Abigail Breslin is not 'up for a nomination;' you can be nominated.
5:09pm - Is anyone else tired of Beyonce? I think she's a fantastic singer, but her performance in Dreamgirls was not that big - and stop complaining why she wasn't nominated.
5:12pm - As ABC flashes through shots coming back from commercial - is there a reason why the Price Waterhouse people got a longer shot?
5:12pm - 'Why is Peneope Cruz wearing a Muppet?' Overheard at my friends house.
5:14pm - Cameron Diaz's childhood nickname was Skeletor - I didn't need to know that.
5:16pm - This effect on the Best Picture nominated movies is really annoying.
5:17pm - This guy has only done three interviews, but he's already completely gotten on my nerves. I don't know who he is, but interviewing Cate Blanchett even looks annoyed.
5:23pm - The three Mexican directors are talking about sexual attractions between them; I'm not really sure how to take that.
5:27pm - I don't care about Oscar fashion; why do other people care about Oscar fashion? But thank goodness that's the end of the pre-show.
5:30pm - The opening sequence; it's funny, but it's not really that funny. I really don't know what's going on; the nominees are talking, but I don't really understand.
5:35pm - So that's kind of neat, they had all the nominees standing up.
5:36pm - What a surprise, Ellen's wearing a suit - a red velvet suit, but it's not a dress. However, I don't get the white shoes.
5:40pm - Ellen makes a couple good jokes about making speeches.
5:42pm - Great joke about Al Gore being nominated by the people; and then right into a good Leo DiCaprio zinger.
5:43pm - After bringing out a choir to sing, people are looking at Ellen like she's drunk.
5:45pm - Bond just walked out with Nicole Kidman to give the award out to Best Art Direction. I always thought the first award went to Best Supporting Actor.
5:48pm - Maggie Gyllenhaal looks great! Peter Sarsgaard is a lucky man!
5:53pm - Will Ferrell is singing? What a nice afro!! Jack Black looks so short next to Will. Peter O'Toole has no idea what's going on. This is the weirdest thing I've seen on TV in years.
5:58pm - That's 2-0 for Mexico and Pan's Labyrinth.
6:00pm - Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith come out together to announce the Best Animated Short and Live Action Short; these are movies who no one has ever seen.
6:04pm - Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty psyched the West Bank movie won for Best Live Action Short
6:12pm - There's a choir making noises; I'm not sure whether to be frightened or completely weirded out. It was good, but I really don't know what it is.
6:14pm - I don't care about Sound Editing; why isn't this award on the Science side of it.
6:19pm - Again, why do we care about the sound mixing; I do have to say, I did pick Dreamgirls to win this category.
6:22pm - Just in case we were looking at Rachel Weisz's breasts, she's doubling up announcing the Best Supporting Actor. Hells yeah!! Alan Arkin wins!! As everyone in the room screams 'Show Abagail clapping.'
6:25pm - What is Ellen doing?
6:31pm - I don't really like the Song category this year; James Taylor just looks old, and I'm not used to see him,
6:33pm - What? They're doing all the songs together? Ok, I know this is going to be bad, but I think Melissa Etheridge is going to lose.
6:36pm - Leo and Al Gore need to shut up. Please don't make a joke out of this Al - wow, that was really good; even Peter O'Toole got the joke!
6:43pm - Ok, how freakin' hot does Cameron Diaz look! But what's up with her hair?
6:44pm - Why do they keep showing Abigail Breslin after every award announcement.
6:45pm - I think it was very important they mentioned Ben Affleck won an Oscar for writing.
6:49pm - Jack Nicholson just looks weird with no hair; he's a little freaky anyway, but bald makes it worse.
6:50pm - Tom Hanks is not funny. I really hope Children of Men wins for writing!
6:52pm - You know Marty Scorsese is screaming inside saying, 'Why, why why!' I'm never going to win a freakin' Oscar.'
6:59pm - First time Ellen plugs her website
7:00pm - Great exchange with Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, and Meryl Streep.
7:03pm - Ok, seriously the winner of the Costume Oscar has no style for her clothes; what the hell is she wearing?
7:05pm - Xenu has allowed Tom Cruise to present and appear on the Oscars.
7:07pm - Tom whispers to Sherry Lansing, 'I know you're not the reason I got canned at Paramount.'
7:10pm - I love the fact that Ellen passed up Beyonce to talk to Clint Eastwood; and the picture taking with Spielberg!
7:14pm - Guillermo Navarro wins again; that makes it 3 awards for Pan's Labyrinth.
7:21pm - Read the prompter, Naomi.
7:24pm - I'm not sure what either Catherine Deneuve or Ken Watanabe are saying, but it has something to do with the Best Foreign film.
7:29pm - It's now been 5 minutes of some of the most boring shots of foreign films; now I know why the Oscars are so long.
7:33pm - I've had it with these mutha f*ckin' snakes on this mutha f*ckin' plane!
7:34pm - Al Gore is not running for President
7:39pm - Just thinking two hours have gone by, and only another two hours to go.
7:48pm - How surprised are you that Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth won for Best Documentary?
7:51pm - What the hell is Quincy Jones wearing?
7:56pm - I love the big bald guy in the back of Marconi; he looks like he wants to club him and take his wife.
7:57pm - I'm still staring at Celine's cleavage.
8:00pm - I love the fact that Clint Eastwood is interpreting for Marconi.
8:01pm - Kate Winslet's thoughts - 'What?'
8:02pm - No one has any idea what Marconi is saying, so why does the director keep insist on showing the other actors? It just makes them look foolish.
8:07pm - Baltimore getting some major plugs!! Philip Glass, nominated for best score for Notes on a Scandal, is from my hometown. Unfortunately, he lost out to the guy from Babel.
8:11pm - Are Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst in a movie together this summer?
8:15pm - 'funnest' is not a word!
8:18pm - This is about the time of the night where I get really bored with the awards and want them to be over. Honestly, the Academy must make a crap load of money off these awards because there's no reason for these awards to be this long.
8:20pm - Jennifer Lopez looks pregnant; we're convinced here she's not really pregnant, but she wants people to talk about her. One of the people here suggested she should just shave her head.
8:21pm - Wow, Jennifer Hudson has some an amazing rack! Those boobs look like they're about to pop out every time she moves.
8:28pm - Queen Latifah looks great!
8:29pm - Melissa Etheridge beats out three Dreamgirls songs, and thanks Al Gore. By the way, Al Gore is still not running for President.
8:36pm - I'm so bored, and the fact I have no idea what Will Smith is talking about solidifies that.
8:39pm - This is everything that's wrong with America! I'm so tired of these montages.
8:42pm - The Departed wins the editing award; at least I know it's going to a good person.
8:44pm - I hate to say this, but Jodie Foster looks really bad.
8:45pm - And here's the dead people's list.
8:54pm - We all make jokes about how we should start a movement to get more American actresses into the Oscars.
9:07pm - Three of the greatest minds in Hollywood history are on stage - one of them being my hero, Steven Spielberg.
9:08pm - Finally, Martin Scorsese wins an Oscar! It's a shame it's not for his best work.
9:10pm - Where the hell is Jack Nicholson? Every time they show him, he's in a different place.
9:14pm - The end of the night; it's a shame The Departed won because it certainly wasn't the best movie this year.
9:17pm - The confetti falling is going to end up in Jennifer Hudson's cleavage. Well, I think Ellen DeGeneres did a good enough job to be back next year; she was funny and did not offend anyone.