It's remake time for Motel Hell & Terror Train; David Lynch's Daughter gets caught in an FBI Surveillance!!
Week of April 22nd, 2007
Like, boo, all you thalidomide babies! Welcome to my scary Haint House, where I'll be telling you about this week's horror news. Hopefully, I'll be doing this every week, if my bones permit. Last Monday, the ol' kneecap fell off. Right into Grandma's corn casserole. It was a vomit feast of Hamm's beer and creamy yellow acid; a little throat blood. Granny blamed it on the Slew Foot bear. Hell, aint been a bear around here for months. Anyhow, it kept me from the keyboard for a spell. Enough 'bout that mess-up, though. Let's get to the fat and bones of the matter...
Farmer Vincent's Meat
The biggest news to come down the pike this past week: Some studio huddling Douche Dog has decided to remake Motel Hell. Remember the tag line? "It takes all kinds of Critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters." The geriatric Critter helming Motel Hell08 will probably forget to bring the meat. Old people don't sell many movies nowadays, and the original smelled of Ben Gay. That was its cheap, squirmy charm. Farmer Vincent was an odd old coot and his wife looked like Kathy Bates after enduring a hail storm of ugly sticks. They'll no doubt pretty up the new cast. Sadly, all the kids are going to think Hell's ripping off Saw & Saw III when they see Farmer Vincent don a freshly severed pig's head before revving up that chainsaw. Even though the original Motel Hell did it first. Maybe they should change the endding to include a donkey head or that of a Shetland pony. Where was Rob Zombie when the production meetings for this came about? Halloween's been done at least 8 times. I think Motel Hell would have been a better film for the ol' Dragula to attempt. He could have really grunged up the proceedings; it is less trampled ground. You know he would have kicked it and cast some really decrepit seniors in the lead roles. Motel Hell has a prospective January 12th, 2008 release date.
Amtrack Hell Ride
Also announced for a theatrical facelift this week, Jamie Lee Curtis' Terror Train. I can't really call blasphemy on this one, since I've never bothered to watch the original. The DVD has been collecting ditch dust since it debuted a year or two ago. I guess I don't have any desire to watch critic Gene Shalit hack up a bunch of college kids on New Years Eve. At least remake director Gideon Raff is applying a fine revisionist theory to the tired proceedings. Instead of college kids throwing an Amtrack-inspired masquerade party on New Years Eve, we get a group of student athletes facing extreme terror while on a European Trolley ride. Sounds like aluminum fun.
Did you know David Lynch has a daughter? Her name is Jennifer Chambers Lynch, and back in 1993 she made this depravedly horny little sex flick called Boxing Helena. Basically, Julian Sands (of Warlock fame) cuts the arms and legs off Sherilyn Fenn (of Twin Peaks fame) so he can keep her in a shoebox and make sweet love to her limbless torso...Or some such booradley. Anyway, Jennifer is all set to make her second feature, here, 15 years later. Called Surveillance, it's a spooky little soop-natch about an FBI Agent on the trail of a serial killer. Seems all the surviving victims have shockingly different stories to tell...Cause, like, maybe it's not the same killer in each case? Bill Pullman and Cheri Oteri are part of the cast. Daddy Dave is executive producing. You gotta like that family support.
You know what my favorite film logo is nowadays? The tumultuous, churning barbwire fence seen at the beginning of all those Saw films. It belongs, of course, to Twisted Pictures. Maybe someday soon we'll see it appearing before a Spooker Washington biopic. In the mean time, we'll have to look forward to Twisted's next torture porn extravaganza, clichéingly entitled Tortured. This sounds like a fun little JuJu Bee popper. Ma and Pa Fukyershitup kidnap, beat, filet, sexually abuse with a broom stick, pull the hair of, and generally annoy the dashing bastard that abducted and brutally slaughtered their precious child. It will start shooting in June, immediately after Saw IV has wrapped. Hope against hope, it will have the always awesome Donnie Walberg in one of the lead roles. Hmm, do I want to see him torture or be tortured? Maybe with a little CGI handy work, he can play both the dad and the dickhead child rapist. That way he could beat himself with a Polish Fish Whacker while Step By Step plays on the soundtrack.
We got any fans of Snoop Dogg's Pimp thriller Bones in the house? Well, you're in luck. Snoop's latest entry in the gore genre finally gets a release date. Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror will be hitting our inner city streets on May 4th. It won't have to worry much about making a buck or two. Its only competition is some fake-looking arachnid cheapie called Spider-Man 3. Hood of Horrors is an anthology film set in the po' black projects of Long Beach. Calvin "Snoop" Brodus will be playing the "Crib Keeper." Other cast members included Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson, Danny "Bubble Boy" Trejo, and ol' Malt Liquor himself, Billy Dee Williams. Word on the streetz is that it's Aiight.
The Tripper finally opened this weekend. It features a Ronald Reagan-mask wearing serial killer that slaughters up a bunch of hippies. It was directed by the Liberal leaning David Arquette. Sadly, The Tripper failed to land in the Box Office's top ten. Maybe that's because South Park already covered this territory. And covered it well.
Okay, all you ditch sluts and digweeds, that's it on the horror front this week. It's time for me to retire back under Granny's Porch. Until next week, "Eat food! Kill Grandma!"