In response to the raucous applause he received for proudly defending his record of executing 234 inmates during his time as Governor of Texas at last night's GOP debate, Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry has announced public executions will become a centerpiece of his 2012 campaign. The Onion News Network will be airing the first of these executions live in an exclusive television event next Tuesday.
Beginning at 10/9 central, Gov. Rick Perry will take the stage before a crowd of supporters at the Onion News Network's election headquarters along with a prisoner strapped to a gurney. After a few opening remarks, Rick Perry will personally administer a series of injections of pancuronium bromide and potassium chloride to the prisoner. When the prisoner has stopped convulsing and is confirmed dead, Perry will give a short speech on job creation before taking questions from the audience.
The event will mark the first stop in Rick Perry's "Ultimate Justice" campaign tour, in which the governor is scheduled to personally kill over 200 prisoners at various campaign stops in small towns and big cities across the country.
"I expect the executions to be a huge boost to Perry's campaign," says Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. "As we saw at the debate, this is what his supporters want. [Rick Perry] is proving he's not just going to talk the talk, he's willing to actually take human lives."
The executions may also be a boon to Onion News Network's fundraising efforts. The Rick Perry campaign has already sent out invitations to a black-tie dinner at which the night's biggest donors will be given handguns and allowed to shoot convicts in the face. Those making smaller contributions will receive pieces of the dead prisoner's body to keep as souvenirs.
The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.