Movie Picture

Congratulations, Heather Donahue! You're well on your way to supplanting Eric Spudic as my new bad movie barometer! Your career is a blistering wasteland of garbage, sufficient to make me wonder if you were actually cursed by the Blair Witch herself, or if any movie that doesn't feature you bawling to the point where snot dribbles out of your nose is just destined to be a total flop and languish in obscurity.

And you'll keep the stride alive that features you in such cinematic bulwarks as New Suit and The Velvet Tigress by signing on for The Morgue, one of the first horror films I've seen in a long time where the back of the box will actually lie outright to the reader.

Anyway, this newest piece of Heather Donahue flotsam to wash up on the video store shelves is all about a young woman who's working as a night janitor cleaning up a morgue. And one night, a whole lot of people come stumbling in with a whole host of automotive problems. A series of unexplainable events flood on by, and by the end of the night, some of them might not survive.

Actually, the above synopsis is slightly a crock. Why? Well, I'll tell you why, and I'll spoiler confidently so you don't have to waste your time on this steaming pantload.

Because THEY'RE ALL DEAD, that's why! That "astonishing twist" that the back of the box practically falls all over itself to describe? That's the twist. They're all dead.

That is NOT a twist. See, the problem with calling that a twist is that it ignores a huge body of work that came before it that already USED that twist, and did it in a far better and more convincing fashion than The Morgue could ever DREAM of doing. We've been rickrolled by this alleged twist for YEARS now. To call it "astonishing" is a lie of epic proportions, and frankly, calling it a twist at this point only cements its status as lie. I was personally convinced that they'd all been dead since about the twenty minute mark, and frankly, I'd rather not see anyone else waste perfectly good time and money on this cinematic sludge pile than absolutely necessary.

Hence, the spoiler.

Clearly, I'm seriously torqued about this ridiculous little movie actually landing on shelves when GOOD movies go unappreciated and unseen. So I like the thought of being just a little bit trollish and spoilering.

The ending, well, I've already made that pretty clear--suffice it to say that they're going to take about five or ten minutes to thoroughly explain that they're all dead just in case you're too damn stupid to get it the first time. This should, of course, insult you like no tomorrow because it definitely got me interested in smacking somebody.

The special features include English and Spanish subtitles, along with a behind the scenes featurette and trailers for The Morgue, Bangkok Dangerous, Restraint, Artifacts, and a new, surprisingly freaky trailer for It's not quite as freaky as the psychokinetic freakgirl in the dingy hotel room but it'll get the job done. It's the best part of the disk.

All in all, blech. The fact that only onomatopoeia will accurately describe this dreck should give an accurate portrayl of how I felt about it. This is definitely one to avoid.