Dear Marky Bleats,
I’m sorry I puked on your rug. I know Chinatown is out of the way, and that you don’t really have the cash to buy a new one. It was an accident, and I told you not to feed me so much Vodka. (We were your guests; you couldn’t do better than Albertson’s house brand?)
I do not, however, apologize for jacking-off on the back of your cat. You laughed, too, when your girlfriend went to pet it. I think we can all agree that it was nothing more than a fine bit of old fashion tomfoolery.
Really, though, Blake and I were honored to be the guests at your mother’s birthday party. It’s not often that we are invited to spend time with our fans. I hope you enjoyed our visit. Sorry Blake had to go off on your mother like that, but he’s kind of sensitive when it comes to people making fun of his inability to wear socks. (Guy thinks he’s still livin’ La Miami Vice Loca.) I didn’t know he was going to call her a “Juiced-Up Excuse for Jock Rape.” Nor did I know he was going to pee in your pool and attempt to mow the grass in the bathroom atrium. Shame on him.
And shame on me. I guess you really can’t take either one of us out in public.
To make up for the mess, we’ve done another episode of your favorite On-Line Movie Radio Show, SOJU AFTER MOVIE. It is with much appreciation that we dedicate this Halloween special to you, Mark. We discuss all the things you want to hear about: Team America, The Grudge, Ben Affleck’s floundering career, and Faggotry Bistros. I’m sure you’ll love it. It was crafted with you in mind. And we've even included a special bonus outtake. It's great fun. I'm out of my element and dead in the waters of Hollywood. You'll laugh, I'm sure...
So, enjoy. And again, thanks for a great party. I can’t really speak for Mr. Snyder, but despite the chaos, I had a wonderful time.
B. Alan Orange III (is better than you!)
PS - Your girlfriend tastes like cantaloupe ice cream. Yum.