- aka -
The Avi-HaterB. Alan Orange brings back the popular On-Line Radio Show for another season of mayhem and intrigue…
After a grueling 25-week schedule, the first Soju run came to a slam-bang conclusion last December 18th. Following an intense two hour meeting with Dave Koechner (of SNL, Anchorman, and Run Ronnie, Run fame), the Soju Army parted ways for an extended Holiday vacation. You can still listen to their final show of the year (here)…
Blake Snyder subsequently left for destinations unknown. He promised to return chockfull of interesting movie news and information. Last we heard; he was somewhere in the Soviet Union, going through the same rigorous training program The Italian Stallion went through right before that climactic brawl against Drago in Rocky IV. Blake was gearing up to entertain us all with his witty banter and provocative demeanor. Lifting logs and sh*t like that; the sonvabitch would be one lean, mean movie-fighting machine upon return!
Orange, on the other hand, decided to spend the Holidays binge drinking in and around the Hollywood area. He got caught in a scuffle with some Skater Punks, fell asleep in a woodpile, and was tossed inside Toys R Us jail. That was just day one of his sojourn. Suffice it to say; we here at Movieweb didn’t really think we’d ever see B. Alan again. We thought he’d die before his vacation time was up, that’s for sure…
Well, a strange thing happened on the way to the forum. B. Alan Orange showed up at Movieweb headquarters looking like an off-white Clubber Lang, Mohawk and all. He seemed to be in the best health we’ve ever seen him in, and the boy came through our swinging doors sporting a fighting spirit. He tossed a few great ideas on the table, and before we knew it: Soju After Movie 2 was in full effect. Or so we thought…
Orange’s co-host has gone missing. Last we heard, Blake Snyder had been kidnapped by Russian Yeti’s. We received an audio recording of Mr. “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” being brutally tortured and raped by the snowbound Bigfoots late Wednesday afternoon. After listening to the tape, all B. Alan could do was shrug and say, “The show must go on! With or without Blake, I don’t care.”
Bradford has decided to carry on without the mild-mannered Snyder sitting across the table from him, instead deciding to hire a newer, younger, sexier (yes, guys, she’s got tits!) co-host for the show! That’s right: A girl. How did he do it? We still don’t know. Here is a short, informal interview we conducted with Orange yesterday about the fate of SOJU AFTER MOVIE 2…
Orange: F*cker doesn’t listen. I told him not to go traipsing around the Russian Wilderness. Who knows what lives up there, right? And look what happens. The chump is kidnapped by Gorilla Yetis that probably wanted nothing more than a little butt love. You know what I mean? Christ, we’ll probably see a couple Lil’ Blake Yeti half-breeds running around before too long. Might even be like It’s Alive 3: Island of the Alive. Only, instead of Mutant Bad Jerk Babies, we’ve got fur covered Snyders instead. Scary. Let’s hope they don’t eat too many people.
Webmaster: What about finding another co-host. Have you had any difficulties replacing Blake Snyder?
Orange: Hell no. Screenplay Writers come a dime a dozen in this town. I walked outside the office here, on Scott Road, and screamed aloud, “Hey, any out-of-work writers want to come host an On-Line radio show with me?” I had to beat the horde off with a stick. Mother f*ckers came crawling out of the cracks in the pavement. Yuck. But seriously, I couldn’t “simply” replace Snyder. The man’s a genius. And a half-wit at the same time. That sort of branded double indemnity doesn’t come along to often. Did you ever see Kids Incorporated? I honestly love that show. And more than most of the episodes came out of Blake’s head. You can’t put a price on that type of sh*t. So, I really didn’t want to go with another screenwriter. Plus, there’s an issue of integrity that comes tied to that. You don’t want to piss off the next guy you might be selling a project too, right? I mean, seriously. Snyder put Little Black Book on his Top 10 of 2004 list. Why did he do that? Hmm? Let’s speculate a moment, shall we? So, I decided to go with someone that isn’t so tied to the “Business”, as they call it out here in stupid land.
Webmaster: Where did you find his new replacement?
kidnapped Snyder and is holding him
in the USSR foir breeding purposes!Orange: England. And she’s a girl. Sexy as can be. We got in an argument not too long ago, about some movie, and she’s got a tight lip on her. I’ll tell you what. She seemed like the perfect sparring partner. She doesn’t think I’m funny at all, and she knows when to call me on bullsh*t. She used to work for MTV and E! Television, but she’s not tied to the regime. I’m betting she’s a kicker. And she can get me free T-shirts. Bonus!
Webmaster: There’s a rumor going around that Blake was threatening to kick you off the show?
Orange: No. Without me, there is no show. He just wanted me to turn it into a family oriented piece of fluff. There was an argument about that, sure…
Webmaster: Did you have anything to do with his disappearance?
Orange: That’s a lie. An out and out lie. And if I hear that accusation again, I’ll slap you, and whoever else says it, in the face. I don’t know no Bigfoots. I don’t speak Russian. Those Yeti are clearly speaking a Ukrainian language on that tape. He went up there to train. We told him not to. Whose fault is that? Not mine. Not movieweb’s. It’s his alone. Next question…
Webmaster: What do you have planned for the new season?
a pair of these! Awesome!Orange: Obviously, I don’t want to give away any of the big surprises. Basically, it’ll be more swearing, less information. That’s the way the kids like it. We’re going to have a beautiful woman on the other side of the table, and Pauly Shore wants to be on our first episode. He asked us, not the other way around. That’s pretty huge. You’ll see. It’ll be great.
Webmaster: If Blake escapes the Yeti compound, will you let him come back as co-host?
Orange: Look; Blake is welcome to come be a guest anytime he wants. But hey, he missed the first meeting of the year. And our new co-host has these wonderful…Assets…The guys aren’t going to want to see them go away. I promise. Soju 2 is going to be tits up. F*ckers! We’re keeping the girl.
Well, there you have it. Straight from the Hooker’s mouth. Soju After Movie is coming back badder and better than ever before. Look for the first episode in the next week or so. And if you hear anything about the disappearance of Blake Snyder, please let us know. We really are hoping for his safe return. Thanks, and we’ll see you real soon.