It's Coming This Tuesday...Soju After Movie Season 3: "Always Laid, Never Play'd!" The Farewell Tour!
B. Alan Orange
Seann "Imperial" Mantooth
with Paulington James Christensen III
and Spooker Washington
That's right. The boys are returning for their final go around here at Movieweb. They are bringing back the first, the original, the only Internet Movie Radio show that actually matters. Call it Round 3; a knock out! And this time they aren't pulling any punches. These guys have been around the world and back. And now it's time to tell the tale.
"B. Alan's Greatest Defeat!"
(he's the one at the bottom of the staircase)
The Drugs. The Alcohol. The Women. The Lies. These are the crutches of society. Man's ruin. Humanity's downfall. The objects of desire that collapse most important institutions. Except one. The fact that the solemn members of Soju After Movie couldn't find or commit to any of the above led to a group implosion greater than the parting of the Red Sea.
They wanted it all. All they got was a bunch of cheap imitators and absolutely no credit as the innovators of the Movie Review Podcast. Soju After Movie was the first kid on the block. And they were better than everyone else. But then that block got crowded. The Internet Airwaves were swamped. The genius that is B. Alan and Mantooth soon fell deep into obscurity. They got buried by a bunch of do-good try hards that failed to ignite the spark once available from the downloadable pages here at Movieweb.
Once soaring at the peak of popularity, this sudden downhill slope proved a difficult time for B. Alan and his Soju Army. The tiny group that always "would be" soon found their personality differences starting to clash like some great fire storm brewed by unoccupied Gods in Heaven. Really. It's B. Alan's fault. He just doesn't work well with others.
The man had already gone through a number of co-hosts. He's managed to piss off every single one of them. First there was award-winning screenwriter Blake Snyder (Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!), the co-creator of the series. Blake couldn't stomach B. Alan's course soju-soaked language and total disregard for those around him. B. Alan proved to be a real jackass and was prone to hurting other's feelings. Something Blake couldn't deal with…
Despite B. Alan's knack for attracting A List personalities to the show like the little girl from Oh, God Book 2 and Julia Roberts look-a-like Jenna Mattison (who?), he soon found himself hard pressed to keep and then come up with another new co-host. The kid went through too many to count. There was that one girl that did all the Tampon commercials, Weird Al's drummer, Wolfgang Bonaparte, the fat kid from the Adam's Family movies, and the weird, skinny, youngest son from TV's Home Improvement. Eventually, they all came to hate B. Alan Orange's guts. None of them could keep up with B.'s hate-fueled shenanigans. Like we said, he's got behavior problems.
As a last resort, B. Alan decided to do the show from Seann Mantooth's Estate Home. Thing was, he didn't tell Mantooth they were recording what would soon become one of the greatest broadcasts ever shot across the airwaves by man. Aside from the occasional tiff, things were going swimmingly…Until Mantooth discovered the truth. Imperial was recognized on the street one day. He soon learned that he was an Internet Super Star. This is where the real problems began. All Mantooth wanted was for his name to be included on the Soju Radio banner. That's it. B. Alan wouldn't budge. He decided that Seann "Imperial" Mantooth was turning into a Diva. And didn't deserve his name on the banner.
Soon, heated arguments began to rage across the landscape. B. Alan and Mantooth suddenly couldn't stand the sight of each other. Movieweb had to hire a nice guy go-between by the name of Paulington James Christensen III just so the two could sit in a room together. It was the way of the warring Soju Household. Sadly, as tensions mounted, the newcomer found himself in the middle of a skirmish he'd rather not take sides in.
Things came to a header when B. Alan started doing shows behind Mantooth's back. Orange was sneaking out of the house, recording commentaries with hot girls. This infuriated Imperial Mantooth to the breaking point. He quit and went on a seven-month sojourn in the Andes Mountains where he became the protector of an amulet and soon found himself ruler of the bird people.
Losing Mantooth was tantamount to Diff'rent Strokes losing Gary Coleman. B. Alan and Paulington tried to go on, but even the stunt casting of a hot British chick with nice tits couldn't keep the operation afloat. B. Alan soon fell into a deep depression. And then he fell down the staircase. Literally. This turned into an 8-month bender that saw him flying around the world. He missed those bombs that blew up that double-decker bus in England on July 7th by less than an hour. He went through the entire hooker population of Amsterdam. And then did copious amounts of drugs on a boat in France. He even saw some naked ghosts in Italy, lounging on a beach (but that might have just been all those Space Cakes and Space Shakes talking).
The trip gave B. Alan a new perspective on life. He felt refreshed. Trim, and in shape. Life was good. But something was missing….
Orange finally returned to West Coast shores this past weekend. Oddly enough, so did Mantooth. They bumped into each other at the Burrito King on Sunset over a plate of Chimichangas. They got around to talking, and the inevitable happened. They both realized that people need Soju After Movie in their lives. And their pity differences shouldn't deprive the general public of their awesomeness. They shook hands and made a vow to keep the fights in the microphone (because people like that sh*t), but the friendship in their hearts…
Seriously though, starting this Monday, January 23rd, The Soju Army will be back with their first show since July. And it's going to be a doozey. B. Alan, Mantooth, Paulington, and newcomer horror critic Spooker Washington will be doing a feature length commentary for the latest Godzilla movie Final Wars. It's to usher in the Soju premier.
Season 3 promises to be more of the same loud crap as the previous two seasons. Only this time, the gang will be watching movies during the entire show. That's right, you better get your DVD players ready for this. Soju After Movie plans on providing insightful commentary for those films that don't currently have a commentary track while. They will also be supplying the latest in Entertainment news. That's the way this year is going to roll. Upcoming shows will feature "Cannonball Run", "Night of the Lepus", "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T.", "The Musical Adventures of Raggedy Ann & Andy", "The Frisco Kid", and "Dream a Little Dream" just to name a few…
So, hook up your IPod, fire up your Podcast Subscription to Soju After Movie, adjust your speakers, grab a seat and a hotdog, and prepare yourself for the grandest adventure to ever come through your sh*tty computer system. It's going to be a special one. Stay Tuned...
"It can't get any better than this, folks!"