Seo Rae Gwan Friday afternoon.Breaking News: Blake Snyder is DEAD! Listen to his very last and final SOJU broadcast ever!
B. Alan Orange, here. I’m saddened by this sudden loss of life. Blake was a good friend of mine, and his presence here will be sorely missed. A man of means and talent, Snyder was a true classic. An anti-asshole in a brimming sea of assholes. He was kind. He was cool. He was Mr. Nice and Mr. Hollywood! After Friday’s show, hopped-up on a Coca-Cola sugar buzz, Blake bolted across the street, excited to buy the latest issue of US magazine. He was hit by a Lemon Drink Juice Truck. Right into the grill…That’s where his face went. Splat. It was gory. It was disgusting, and we’ve lost a Pioneer in the On-Line Radio community…
“Orange, what the heck are you doing? I’m not dead!”
I was trying to drum up some publicity.
“By telling people I’m dead? That’s not very funny, B. Alan.”
It worked for Tupac and 2 Short. Why can’t it work for V-2? See, my plan was this. We’d pretend you were dead, then, low and behold…We’ve got 100 shows backlogged. The posthumase vocal performances of Black Snyder are more popular now than ever before. Because you’re a dirt pusher.
“I don’t want to be dead.”
Why not? I kind of like you better, now that you’re a ghost. ‘Spook does On-Line Radio program.’ That’s got a nice ring to it. So, how’s Heaven?
“I’m sure you’ll never know. We can’t tell people I’m dead. Maybe I should just kill you, then we’d have a story. People will be rejoicing in the streets. Bad Jerk is Dead! Bad Jerk is Dead!”
Fine. You’re not Mr. Nice at all. More like, Mr. Whine. Christ’s cock! I come up with a brilliant idea, and you shoot it down. Alright. Okay. So, you’re not dead. Boo-hoo. I would have cried at your funeral, you know? I would have, cause that’s they type of guy I am.
“Oh, shut up. Why don’t you do something useful and tell people what’s actually on this week’s show.”
(he was big with the Shriners)Hello, folks! On this week’s show, a truck hits Blake. His torso gets ripped in half. And even after the carnage, he still claims an affinity for Dodge Ball: A True Underdog Story. Also, we chat about Oliver Stone and his Gay Date Epic Alexander, The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, something called Christmas with the Kranks, and the Ong Bak Thai Warrior. There’s some more entertainment news for you fools that don’t like to read. And the DVD segment is huge. I watched Dodge Ball, Harry Potter, Tongan Ninja, Shrek 2, the Chronicles of Riddick, and Creepshow 2. Sheew! My eyeballs are wiped out.
So, enjoy. And maybe after next week’s Super Thanksgiving Day Parade Buffet Soju Extravaganza show, I can trick Blake into crossing the street and getting ran over. I’ll do my best!
“Brad. What if I actually did die? Huh? How would you feel then?”
Probably the exact same way I feel now. Bored.
“Get the heck out of here. The rest of you, go listen to our show. It’s really good. I promise.”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
“I’m going to poke your eyes out with my car keys in a minute.”