Let me be the skeleton in your closet!

Like, boo! All you thalidomide babies. It's me, Spooker Washington. And I'm here to give you a couple of helpful Halloween costume hints that might come in handy this Spooktober. It's not too early to start planning your costume. It never is. One minute you think you have all the time in the world. Then you do a quick twist and kick the mash potato to find your self stuck in a hole. Lost without nary an idea or an ounce of fake blood. Take it from me. Halloween sucks when you are left without a costume. That's right. It means, "No candy!" Not to mention all the other things these door-to-door strangers might want to stick in your pumpkin.

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Let's face it, not having a costume on October 31st is scarier than having to drink the hippie cracked out bathwater of a San Francisco Jam Band. So. I've come up with 10 can't lose ideas for under ten dollars apiece. That's right! Ol' Spooker is going to turn you into your favorite film icon in a flash. Under budget and right on time for that booze-fest you call a Halloween party. Play your cards right, and you might even win that late night costume contest. You know what that means? Free horror DVDS! Or, free Vodka! Or, free whatever the Hell they are giving away that night.

Let's get started, shall we? Our first costume is:

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Keanu Reeves as Ted "Theodore" Logan in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure!

I found all of these items at the neighboring Good Will, the Orange County Swap Meet, and inside my closet.

First, I stared with a pair of black Chuck Taylors. Everyone has a pair of these, right? Even if you don't, one of your friends is bound to have a pair. I found this particular set in my closet. Essential to the shoe is a pair of blue shoelaces. You will also need a pair of grey socks with red stripes. Total Cost: $4.00 (the shoe laces were $1.50, the socks ran me $2.50 at the Mexican Swap Meet. They came bundled in threes so I can share!)

Next, you will need a pair of sweat pants. Preferably white. The ones I found at Good Will were gray. That'll work too. Over these, you will need a pair of black shorts. "Save the Humans" sticker is optional (I wasn't able to track one down). Total Cost: $2.00 for the Sweat Pants at Good Will. Black shorts were found in my closet.

Next, you will need a vintage white rock T-shirt. For true authenticity, you might want to wear a Van Halen 5150 concert tour shirt, as seen in the actual film. I went with a Mr. Bungle "There's a Tractor in My Balls" T-shirt from 1989. The same year the film was released. It was the only white rock T-shirt in my closet. Total Cost: Free!

Next, and very essential to the outfit, is Ted's iconic black vest. It's just a plain black vest removed from a polyester suit. I found this one at Good Will. You will also need a red jacket. It can be made of denim, or it can be a hooded track jacket. Since you will be tying it around your waist, it doesn't really matter. I found this one in my closet. Total Cost for both items: $1.00

What I am missing: A Watch. Ted wore a leather wristband with a clock face set into it. The watch itself played an important part in the film. Remember the classic line, "Oh, and Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!" Which, later, was reiterated by Bill when he slapped Ted upside the head and said, "Ted, you forgot to wind your watch again." Seriously. The film is about time travel. Your are going to need a watch. I have a watch. I just forgot to wear it in the picture. Cost: Free!

Total cost to bring Ted to life: $7.00 (cost of having a friend that will dress up like Bill? Priceless.)

Our second costume is...

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Keanu Reeves as Ted "Theodore" Logan in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey!

I found all of these items at Michaels Arts and Crafts store, Out of the Closet Thrift Store, and inside my closet.

First. I started with the most essential item of clothing. Ted's iconic sleeveless smiley face jacket. These aren't just lying around in every thrift store. This is a one of a kind coat that is impossible to find. That's why I had to make mine. I know, it doesn't look as good as the original. But it's pretty damn close. Your drunk, maggot-infested friends wont know the difference. And they'll probably rave about it all night. You have to find a red denim jacket. If you can't find a red one, you will have to get a white or tan colored one and dye it. I found a white jacket and dyed it. The color is pretty darn close to the original. I then had Honeybone sew the smiley face on the back. If you don't sew, check around. I'm sure one of your friends does. And you didn't even know it. That's all there is to this particular piece. It is the most challenging and difficult piece on this list. Total Cost: $7.00 (I paid $4.00 for the jacket at Out of the Closet. I paid $1.00 for the dye at the $.99 Store. And I paid $2.00 dollars for the material to make the Smiley Face.)

Next up, the rest of the top. Underneath the Smiley Face jacket, I am wearing a maroon colored hooded sweat jacket. You may notice it's the same jacket I have tied around my waist in the original Ted costume. Underneath this I am wearing a brown T-shirt that has a picture of a monkey on it, and it reads "It's Hard Out Here for a Chimp". In the film, Ted originally wore a peach colored sleeveless T-shirt without an image on the front of it. I went the comic book route. I don't know if you remember the Bill & Ted Marvel comic, but Ted would wear this outfit in every single issue. Except that his T-shirt was different and it was always a different goofy novelty shirt. Plus, peach looks bad against my bone enamel. Total Cost: Free!

Next, the jelly bracelets. You can't see them, but I am wearing them. They're actually barbwire bracelets that I stole from the Nickel Arcade. They are pretty sweet. Total Cost: Free!

Next up, the lower half of my costume. I am wearing a standard pair of Levi 151 button fly jeans. The same exact jeans that Ted wore in the film. Everyone has a pair of Levis, right? I'm pretty sure they do. The socks here aren't important, but the shoes are. A pair of blue and white Adidas high tops are essential to this particular costume. Lucky for me, I had all of this stuff in my closet. Total Cost: Free!

Total cost to bring Ted to life again: $7.00 (Don't have a friend that will dress up like Bill? Go to the pound and get a dog. Then put a purple flannel on him.)

Our third costume is...

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Eddie Murphy as Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop!

I found all of these items at Found Item Clothing, The Good Will, and in my closet.

First, I started with Foley's essential heather grey long sleeve Mumford Phys. Ed Dept. T-shirt. Now, this was a little bit of a cheat. I told you everything would be under ten dollars, and you can get the same T-shirt sans the iconic print at K-Mart for just $3.99. Or you can be a big shot and buy the real deal at Found Item Clothing for $19.95. Either way, people will still know who you are. Total Cost: $19.99 (or $3.99 if you are a cheap generic bastard!)

Next up is the black hooded sweatshirt that goes over the shirt. Here, I am wearing the exact same Russell jacket that Eddie wore in the film. Even though you can't see them, I am also wearing the exact white and green striped Gazelle Adidas that Murphy sports on his feet. Both these items were also found in my closet (what can I say? I'm a shoe hog that has been influenced by films from the 80s). Total cost: Free!

The last three things you will need is a pair of jeans, a Casio wristwatch, and a moustache. The jeans I am sporting here are the same 151 Levis that I wore with the Ted costume. They are an old stand buy. You can't see the watch, either. But I got the exact standard issue black digital Casio watch that Eddie wears in the movie for only $4.00 at the Good Will. And the moustache? I bought a fake one from The Good Will's Halloween section for a dollar (they have a couple of items that are new, never used) but forgot to put it on before taking the above photo. Total cost: $5.00

Essential to this costume: A small recording device with a speaker on it. Record the Axel F. theme song and carry it around in your pocket. Play it when you walk into the room and watch the crowd light up.

Total Cost of bringing Axel F. to life: $8.99 (or $24.99 if you go with the authentic Mumford T-shirt).

Our 4th Costume is...

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Dolly Parton as Jake in Rhinestone!

I found all of these items at The Good Will and The Vons.

First, I started with Dolly's hair. Amongst Good Will's box of old costumes, I came across this platinum wig. It has a very unkempt, first night after banging Sly look to it. You can't really see the ponytail, but its there, in the back. The tag on the wig read, "Dolly", so I'm guessing that it's pretty authentic. Personally, I think it does wonders for my cheekbones. Total Cost: $4.50

Next up, the boobs. It's what Dolly is known for. I took two pounds of raw hamburger meat and stuffed it into my dress. My own water balloon mambo tits helped push the beef out in a very erotic, sensual matter. Imagine the shock on the face of the guy that takes this sexy mama home after a drunken night at the bar. I think I might even be sporting some Dollywod in this picture if you look close enough. Total Cost: $3.43

Next, I found this striking hillbilly checker-print dress that closely resembles the one Dolly wore the night she took Sly to her home in the country. It's the kind of dress you can rip off a lady and have a naked picnic on. Our, you could use it to play checkers. This little ditty cost me all of $2.00. Not a bad bargain if I do say so myself.

Lastly, you are going to need a pair of cowboy boots and a bag full of make-up. As you can see, I chose not to utilize those accessories in my costume. I also opted out of pairing up with a greasy Italian taxi driver. The total cost of brining Jake to life: $9.93

Our 5th costume is...

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Jonah Hill as Seth in "Superbad"!

I found all of these items in my closet.

This is another particularly easy costume. It's too bad that you can't really see it in the picture, but that is an exact replica of Seth's blue cowboy shirt from the film. It's exacting, and I happened to have this one in my closet. An old skeleton of mine named Xjan gave it to me about four or five years ago, because it didn't fit him. Ever since the movie came out, I haven't been able to wear it. Well, with Halloween coming up, it gave me an excuse to pull it out of the closet. This is the essential Seth item, and you will need a shirt just like this one if you plan on having anyone recognize you. Total Cost: Free!

The second item you will need is a pair of grey-checkered pants. Luckily, I also had these in my closet. Doesn't everybody have a pair? At least something comparable? And the shoes were an easy find too. That's right, they were also in my closet. Seth wears a pair of Evan's Dad's blue Keds. I went with a pair of blue Vans that look pretty similar. The match isn't dead on, but its close enough. Tell me you didn't know who I was at first glance.

The problem with this outfit is the same with Ted's. To truly glean the effect and the prize coiffeur come party night, you'll also need an Evan at your side. The total cost of bringing Seth to life: Free!

Our 6th costume is...

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Corey Haim as Dinger in Dream a Little Dream!

I found all of these items at $.99 Store, Ross Dress for Less, the Good Will, and my closet.

This pose is taken directly from the Dream a Little Dream movie poster that was so awesome back in the day that it blew the doors of the local multiplex. There are a lot of elements that are essential to this particular costume. First, you will need some red hair dye and a very large squeeze can of mouse. I was able to score this stuff at the Dollar Store for $1.98. As you can see, I did not utilize the pieces in my costume because I do not have hair. Just a forehead made out of bone crunch. Total Cost: $1.98

The second most important item is the trademark Ray-Ban sunglasses. I found a knock-off pair at the Dollar store. But the Black Beret? That is something I found at Ross Dress for Less for three bucks. I decided not to wear it though, opting for my own trademark cap. What can I say; it looks better on my head. Total Cost: $1 for the sunglasses and $3.59 for the beret.

Now, the jacket is an essential part of this costume. And guess what? They have an almost exacting match at Ross Dress for Less. It's there right now, so go get it! I'm not lying. It only cost $8.00. And they had a ton of them. I almost couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it hanging on the rack. Do you know how long I've dreamed of dressing exactly like Dinger? Shit, since 1989. That's how long. Total Cost: $8.00

The pants are just an average pair of black Dickie slacks. I had these in my closet. And I utilized the black Chuck Taylors from the Ted costume up above. Chucks are a popular movie shoe, and they will come in handy for plenty more costumes that I didn't even cover here.

You will also need some jelly bracelets (which I once again cannibalized from the Ted costume) and a fishing lure fashioned into an earring. I was able to dig a suitable one out of Honeybone's tackle box. Total Cost: Free!

The total cost of bringing Dinger to life: $14.57 (We went a little over budget on this one, but at least you get to keep the jacket. You can wear it year around. The chicks will dig it.)

Our 7th Costume is...

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Mariel Hemingway as Dorothy Stratten in Star 80!

Okay, I'm not going to lie. I basically took the Jake costume and pulled the top down. Don't I look like a centerfold? This costume is enough to give Paul Snider nightmares from beyond the grave. Check out that ground beef! Yuck. This picture is disgusting. But it's Halloween. So, I think I can be forgiven. And that dress just screams, "Dairy Queen 1979!"

The total cost of bringing Dorothy to life: $9.93

Our 8th Costume is...

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Chris O'Donnell as Dick Grayson in Batman & Robin!

I found all of these items at The Urban Outfitters, The Good Will, and the inside of my closet.

I was extremely lucky with this costume. Honeybone and I were tooling through the local Urban Outfitters when I came across this Robin: The Boy Wonder t-shirt. It was hanging on the discount rack for $8.99! And I just had to have it. It's the essential item here. Without it, you ain't Dick. Not to worry, though. They only had about twenty of them left. Plus, I checked the Internet. They are available at every chain outlet. I think it does a wonderful job of showing off my Quilmes-fueled abs. Plus, look at those legs. Damn, Spooker is one sexy ditch-living ghoul. Total Cost: $8.99

Next, you will need a pair of Dick Grayson shorts. Lets face it, the kid is wearing underwear. So am I. I found these greenies in my closet. If you are looking to add this costume to your Halloween night collection, I'm sure you have a pair too! Mine are from the America Apparel store next to the Burrito King. Mexican Food and hipster undergarments? You can't really go wrong with that investment. Total cost: Free!

Accessories are essential to this particular getup. First, you need a cape. You can't see mine, but I took an old green muscle shirt that I had in the closet and cut it in half, leaving the neck hole. It's perfect. Then, you will need Robin's trademark mask. I found this little black number at The Good Will. It was new, still in its packaging. The sucker only cost me $.99. What a bargain. Lastly, you will need a pair of low top green shoes. I went with a pair of emerald Dragon Adidas. These, too, just happened to be in my closet. Like I said, I was extremely lucky with this particular costume. It will probably be the one I choose come Halloween night (because it's a sure fire way to get me laid). Total Cost: $.99 for the mask.

God, look at me in that picture. You know you want a piece of that. I'm cheesecake. The total cost of bringing Robin: The Boy Wonder to life: $9.98

Our 9th costume is...

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Tom Hanks as Alan Bower in "Splash"!

Broke. Tired. Feeling uninspired. Want a totally free costume? One that will knock the socks off of everybody? On that will have them laughing until they puke a vodka dipped tootsie roll out of their nose? Then go with this costume, which commemorates everyone's favorite "Splash" scene. Heck, I'd even go out on a limb and say it's the best scene in both Ron Howard and Tom Hank's filmography. Wouldn't you agree?

The total cost of bringing Alan to life: Absolutely free!

Our 10th and final costume is...

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Me! Spooker Washington!

Yes, that's right! If you are uninspired by my other costume offerings, you can always go as your favorite on-line journalist and horror site mascot. It's quite simply really. Now, I know you all can't die and become a zombie like I did. I know you can't all have the flesh eaten off your face by a Mexican street mongrel like I have. But you can pretend. From what I understand, we are selling exact replicas of my face through a partnership with the Dollar Store. Go to any local $.99 outlet, and you will find my handsome mug rendered in plastic and prominently displayed as part of their Halloween promotions. Total cost: $.99

Next, you will need a pair of white pants. These are my latest purchase. A pair of capris I found in the Men's section of the Forever 21. Any old pair of white pants will do, though. They are quite easy to find at just about any thrift store. I, myself, have about forty pairs in my closet. They are comfortable. They bring me joy in my ditch home. If you want, I will lend you a pair. Total Cost: $3.00 (at a thrift shop. The authentic Forever 21 Capris run for about $25.)

You will also need a green denim jacket. This particular one happens to be part of a Swiss correctional facility uniform from World War II. Yup, I did time back in the Swiss brig sometime around 1942. I've been wearing this jacket ever since. I've seen knock-offs in the local Army surplus store. Total Cost: $12.00

The hat also comes from the local Army Surplus store. I've only had this one for about a year and a half. So, there's no real sentimental value to it. They are pretty easy to find. Total Cost: $6.00

Lastly, and most essential to the Spooker Washington costume, is a six-pack of Argentina's favorite beer: Quilmes! Spooker is never seen without it. You can pick up your six-pack at any participating Trader Joes. Quite a few liquor stores also carry the blue brand. It's delicious. Total Cost: $5.49

The total cost of bringing Spooker Washington to life? Priceless? A pair of mulberry tits? A steamy hot slice of cantaloupe pie? A six-pack of Quilmes? Yes, you can live this life of luxury for only $26.98. What a bargain.

So, there you have it. My definitive take on Halloween 2007. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. I'm already working on next year's costume. I'm going to go as John Lennon's cum stain from his love in stay with Yoko Ono at the Fairmont Queen Elizabeth in Montreal. You know what that means...

I'll be sticky!

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Like, bye! All you dishrag cuddle muffins!