Crispin Glover returns, Death Race remake announced, and Tyrese Gibson goes Zombie!

The week of April 30, 2007

Like, Boo! All you thalidomide babies! Another week, another marrow rinsing. Its a chore. Echo Park won't touch the Male Bone. Everywhere I go, its ladies only. Jeez, look at my pelvic enamel. Not much to get excited about. I just want to be a clean bum, not one of these slop-o-delic relics that live in a dented dumpster. My ditch is full of clean rock, like granite. It's of the Flintstone Era. Anyhow, Im back for my second consecutive week in a row. I didn't even have to wait too long for the Consortium Computer. Derelict Dave fueled up on Thunderbird and fell asleep at the keys before his allotted time ticked up. One of the librarians had to wheel him out on a book cart. Deadbeat litch smelled of old cheddar and fading news print. So, as it goes...On with the show!

Run For Glover

My favorite bit of news this week comes out of Louisiana. Crispin Glover has crawled away from his little hole long enough to make another film. For awhile there, ol' creepy was pumpin'em out left and right. He appeared in both Charlie's Angels movies as a hair-sniffing goon. He was the magnificent Willard (I really think Glen Morgan is a genius, but more on that later). He did fine work as "I'd Prefer Not To" guy in Bartleby. My favorite of the bunch, though, had to be Like Mike. Remember? He terrorized poor little Jonathan Lipnicki by torching a picture of the kid's deceased mom. Great stuff, all of it. But he's always admitted he'd made those studio pictures to fund his own Independent project What Is It? A film I'm sure Crispin hand-crafted just so his IMDB credits would list him as Dueling Demi-God Auteur of a Young Man's Inner Psyche. What a character name. Now, Glover is trying to raise enough money to finish that film's sequel It Is Fine. Everything Is Fine! Which has already started screening at film festivals around the globe. That doesn't mean its finished. What Is It? Screened for almost six years before it was completed. Lil' Hellion is trying to earn some of that filthy post-production lucre this week by starring in a film entitled The I Scream Man. Not too much is known about the project. As you can probably guess by the title, it's about a disgruntled and vengeful ice cream vendor. He goes berserk in true Crispin fashion, killing little kids and drug rummies alike. Anyone chasing after his van, waving a dollar I suppose. I personally can't wait to sink my juicy eyeballs into this delicious looking treat. Other cast members include crazy Tom Sizemore and that forgot relic Judd "From the Hip" Nelson. Hilary's Sister Haley Duff (of Napoleon Dynamite fame) and resident zombie maestro George "Asskicker" Romero both have bit parts. The picture starts shooting next month in one of my old haunts Eugene, Oregon.

Death Race Tom Thousand

Our week wouldn't be complete without some remake news. First we get Paul W.S. Anderson meddling with Roger Corman's classic Death Race 2000. Only this time, their dropping the 2000 from the title. Why? Because it's 2007. Duh! Will it be as awesome as Anderson's Alien vs. Predator cluck-up from awhile back? God, I hope so! It does have Jason Statham behind one of the death car steering wheels. That's a major plus. The weirdest thing about this project is that its coming from Tom Cruise's C/W Production house. First the Hardy Men, and now this? Not only does he have a grin like Bruce the Shark, he's also plumb lost his mind.

Audrey Who?

In other remake news, there slapping together a Direct-to-DVD cheapie of Audrey Rose over at MGM. BFD, right? I mean, has anyone even seen the original? Dunno. It's not available at the library. I know none of my Under the Cherry Bridge bum friends have seen it. Its a chiller from '77, about a crazy alcoholic former Prom King who convinces a nave couple that their newborn daughter is the reincarnation of his own child...Or some such shizzum. Come on, get this mess-up out of my face!

Jim Hemphill Spits on Your Grave!

Who doesn't love I Spit on Your Grave? The title alone is made of a pristine, porcelain-like beauty. And the story is true Americana. Pure in its innocence and terror. It was only a matter of time before someone pilfered the base through line of that organic, splatterific feast. Judging from the cover of the DVD, Jim Hemphill's Bad Reputation is going to delivery a worthy entry in the hot chick revenge genre. It aint Kill Bill Vol. 2, but it might just do the trick. Maverick Entertainment has picked up this yummy little treat for an August release. Just in time to hump the dog days of summer. Bad Reputation stars the leggy, creme-filled tart Angelique Hennessy. Damn, Id like to take her off the shelf and introduce myself. She's a DLG (daddy's little girl) that gets brutally butt raped at a party, latter suffering the title tribulation at her own high school. This saucy chick decides to live up to her Bad Reputation as a means to get even. Let's hope that means a lot of gratuitous ball stretching and dick snipping. I'm all over this when it gets released. Here's crossing my finger bones for two DVD screeners, so I wont have to worry about ruining my new favorite Versatile Disc with gallons of goo!

Where's Keanu?

Talk about digging up old relics. News emerged this week that Ernest K. Dickerson, one time directory of photography for Spike Lee and the brilliant auteur behind Tales from the Crypt Presents Demon Knight, will be making a sequel to Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 film Dracula. What? Why? That movie sucked, and it's growing a little long in the tooth for a follow-up. No one wants it. I don't want it. You don't want it. But its not stopping the forces that be. Entitled The Un-Dead, this unnecessary Part 2 arrives a full fifteen years after the original film. Javier Bardem will be replacing Gary Oldman as Dracula. Other cast members believed to be starring in the film are Monica Bellucci as Lucy and John Hurt as Professor Van Helsing. There is no mention as to whether Keanu Reeves will be reprising his role as Jonathan Harker, but I seriously doubt it since many believe he was the reason the first film failed to resonate with critics. Thing about that is, every Keanu-less Keanu sequel has failed miserably. Speed 2: Cruise Control, Little Buddha, the Bill & Ted TV show. One bit of good news; seems the Stoker family has officially recognized Ian Holt's The Un-Deadscreenplay. This is the first adaptation of Dracula to receive such an honor since Bela Lugosi donned the cape in 1931. Good on him.

We Diggs It!

In our last bit of news, Zombies continue to make good in Condition Dead. Here, I thought it was a biography about me. Ol' Spooker Washington. Nope. Its an Aliens-ized version of the undead genre with a script from's own Dave Davis. Sheew, I thought we were in a living dead drought. This little project proves we're not. Pretty boy Tyrese Gibson will produce, and possibly even star in, this tale of ghoul hunters and the flesh eaters that inspire them. Seems Gibson is a huge Return of the Living Dead Part II fan. Who knew?

Anyway. That's it for this week. It's back to the ditch for me. Until we meet again, always remember "Eat food! Kill Grandma!"


Spooker Washington