Natural disasters are sweeping the East Coast of our great nation: An Earthquake struck Tuesday afternoon in Virginia, and a hurricane is currently making its way north from Florida. Shedding light on this situation, the Onion News Network announced today that both events were caused by the omnipresent hand of the most powerful name in cable news, The Onion News Network.
For decades The Onion News Network has been developing a machine called the DXG-479, also known as the Disastronome XG-479, designed to create natural disasters at will. The science behind the machine is too complicated for most Americans to understand, but suffice to say it involves thousands of hydraulic pistons buried deep in the Earth's crust, harnessing the gravitational pull of the moon. This week the world saw the results of The Onion News Network's initial tests of the Disastronome.
The purpose of building this machine is obvious: It will allow The Onion News Network to become even more dominant as the world's number-one cable news channel.
Bracing for slow news days in the not too distant future where the only headlines are about Barack Obama giving up on another policy debate and Kim Kardashian 's divorce proceedings, the network eagerly awaits the opportunity to utilize this newfound technology.
Seemingly out of nowhere, a tornado can touch down directly on top of a fireworks factory filled with elementary school students on a field trip. The Onion News Network will be first to the scene ahead of time to start cameras rolling.
"The Disastronome is every cable news journalist's dream," said The Onion News Network's lead anchor Brooke Alvarez. "The footage will be glorious: Children running for their lives as the tornado whips the fireworks up into a whirling funnel of explosions. An animated headline and my face will swoosh onto every TV screen in America reading 'Special Report: Twister Terror Grips The Heartland.'"
With the Disastronome, The Onion News Network can now cover a new catastrophe every day of the week, from mud slides to wildfires to never-before-seen natural disasters such as thundernadoes and lava blizzards.
The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th at 10pm on IFC.