Greetings. It's your ol' friend B. Alan Orange here with a look at this week's new releases. Today, I've invited The Angry Lesbo (tm) to help me out with my reviews of Mr. Woodcock and The Brave One...
What's up, Angry Lesbo? Why did you decide to come down here today?
The Angry Lesbo: Because you had free tickets to the new Jodie Foster movie, and you know us Lesbos. We love us some Jodie Foster.
So that the folks at home know, we just left the screening room. What is your initial reaction?
The Angry Lesbo: Jodie Foster has a fiance in this. What is up with that? I can't hang around, watching her kiss on that dude from Grindhouse.
You mean Naveen Andrews, of course. The guy that had the big jug of balls in his truck, from Planet Terror. I hear you have one of those.
The Angry Lesbo: What? A jug of testicles? Niggah, please. You're testicles are going to be in a jar here in a minute.
Hold on, no need to get uppity. Without Naveen, we wouldn't have gotten to see Jodie's supple nipples. Those little things made my spine all tingly.
The Angry Lesbo: Me too, until I had to watch that guy suck on them. They should have hired me as her husband, baby. My tongue knows its way around a nipple. I would have garnered us an MTV Movie Award for best kiss. That's for damn sure.
But, you have to be happy about this fact: The husband is dispensed very early on. In true Foster fashion. She only has male companionship for a very short amount of screen time.
The Angry Lesbo: Sexual companionship. She still has her relationship with Terrance Howard. That is one of the sexiest on-screen relationships I've seen in a long time. Don't you just want them to fuck?
Hold up, Angry Lesbo, you were just mad about that Indian dude a second ago.
The Angry Lesbo: But this is Terrance Howard. He is one smooth man. I'd go down on him in a second.
I did like him in this movie. I wish Lucas had the balls to make a Young Lando Calrissian movie starring Howard. We'd all go see it.
The Angry Lesbo: You'd go down on him. You homo. Admit it.
I'm not going to admit that. Let's talk about guns for a second.
The Angry Lesbo: See, you can't get it off your mind. You want to talk about Terrance Howard's gun. Fag.
Actually, I want to talk about Jodie's gun.
The Angry Lesbo: Dear, you've got your stories mixed up. It's Jamie Lee Curtis that has the gun.
Whoa, slow your roll there, girl. Back to the movie. Seriously, why does everything have to be gay with you?
The Angry Lesbo: Okay, B. Alan. The gun, the gun. What about it?
How did you feel about the violence in this movie?
The Angry Lesbo: It was like the The Matrix. It made me want to go out and get a gun. Start packing. I just want to walk up to people and shoot them in the face.
You didn't think Foster's story was kind of sad?
The Angry Lesbo: No, it fueled me with adrenaline. I'm a junkie. Action, this has got it. I want it. I need it.
So, you'd say that this is a crowd pleaser?
The Angry Lesbo: Yeah, definitely.
I'm just glad they didn't succumb to the fallacy of the talking killer. They just go in and shoot the bad guys point blank. Bam! And it's all over. Those guys don't even have a chance.
The Angry Lesbo: Fallacy of the talking killer? Dude, shut up.
Lets talk about Mr. Woodcock.
The Angry Lesbo: I don't want to talk about your wood cock.
No, it's a new comedy. Remember, you went with me to see it the other night?
The Angry Lesbo: That thing with Stifler in it? What a snooze fest. Wake me when the credits start, will you? I don't want to miss the hilarious bloopers.
There weren't any bloopers in Mr. Woodcock.
The Angry Lesbo: Well, there should have been. That whole movie was a mistake. Just one bad take.
I didn't think it was bad. I know it has a bad reputation, because they kept pushing it back on the schedule. But I liked it. I thought it was funny. And dark.
The Angry Lesbo: It was bad. And I'm angry about it.
I guess that's where you get your nickname.
The Angry Lesbo: Shut up, Orange!