Pro-Ewe Boll Online Petition:

We the undersigned desire to have Mr. Boll continue to produce shitty, shitty movies for our continuing pleasure and ridicule. We realize that producing schlock that would embarrass 50's B-Moviemakers is no easy task. We relish in Boll's ineptitude and daydream of watching a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode devoted to him. If Boll were to stop making films, we would have no lower benchmark from which to judge the merits of a quality piece of work. Therefore he is as important to cinema as Spam is to email.

Send an email to [email protected] to add your name to the list.

The following is an article discussing the merits of Boll:

Is Uwe Boll.... Horri-boll? Yes and No

German director Uwe Bol is facing an online petition calling for him to quit making movies. Boll responded by saying that he's the only genius in Hollywood and that it is Spielberg who is a hack. Strong words, but the issue is whether a horrible director like Boll should quit or continue to face massive hate-mail.

I am of the opinion that the bottom of the barrel is as important as top-tier talent. Anyone can make a bad movie, but it's very hard to make a "so bad it's good" laugh-fest.

Take his latest film, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: You know you are in trouble when the title has nothing to do with the movie. I waited the whole movie for a dungeon in a castle and a siege... wasn't gonna happen. Oh, there was an underground place where some humans were forced to do hard labor, but they freed themselves without outside help-hence, no siege.

Interspersed in the film is a lot of attempted comedy. If there's anything that goes together hand-in-hand is Germans and comedy. MENTOS commercials are everyone's favorite, right? How do I know Boll was trying to be funny instead of touching-because of the wah-wah music played in the background.

My favorite moment is when the hero's ten year old son asks his mother why his father has no name. It took this kid ten years to figure out that was strange and then decides to ask the question so that the audience gets to find out some backstory? I'm glad the kid was butchered in the next scene.

Now Jason Statham stars in this film and any good director would have realized that a film set a thousand years in the past should not have a main character with a modern haircut. It's not splitting hairs, because fantasy movies like this usually force a long-haired warrior wig on its stars. But Boll lets Statham keep his Bruce Willis shaved head (the kind that makes a male-pattern baldness sufferer still look cool). I know we need to protect Statham's ego, but either go completely bald or put on the wig.

Now the creatures in the film are rubber monsters. Not kidding. Latex goons like some 50's horror flick. The Krug rampage and kill whole villages, but the outfits are so bad that you never get a one-second look at them. It's cut-cut-cut. Imagine having watched a film with thousands of Krug deaths, and having no clue what one really looks like. That's how embarrassed Boll was of them. It's like being afraid of Darth Vader if Star Wars only showed you the tips of his shoes in order to save money.

The best part of Boll's directing is that he thinks he's creating a work of genius. His shots are too complex. He frequently uses crane shots, helicopter shots or tracking shots that are orchestrated for his ego and for our confusion. What good does a swooping shot 50 yards away from our characters tell us about what's happening? I can make out they are our heroes but I can't see their emotions or hear their words. Frankly, it's his ability to confuse us that makes him stand apart.

As a director, he gets to a scene's conversation 3 minutes too late so that you can't figure out what is going on and then he leaves the scene too early. He'll cut to Ray Liotta for three words and then -bam- mid-sentence cut away too quickly. Now I can empathize with women who complain about men who suffer premature elation.

Ray, by the way, puts in his worst performance and it's probably from the way Boll asked him to play it. I really felt like he was taking the worst overacting of Jim Carrey and blending it with the strange seriousness of Bella Legosi.

Most of the confusion comes from the sub-plots that don't have anything to do with each other. That would be fine if it was making the world seem richer, but Boll manages to turn plot into distractions. You have to guess which story to find important or interesting... and good luck with that.

I look forward to his next film Postal. A comedy, nonetheless. Enjoy the cringefest. It was just reported that Boll approached Blizzard Entertainment to make a World of Warcraft movie and was told emphatically "no." Now gems like that warm the heart and make you glad that there are Boll's in the world. Someone in Hollywood has to ride the short bus.