The Hollywood Reporter says that ABC is taking the fight on terrorism to the small screens of America. The network has signed on for Border Security USA and will focus on the efforts taken to control our nation's borders in regards to smuggling and immigration.

Really? The Department of Homeland Security is at the Mexican Border trying to stop Al-Qaeda? Funny, I never heard of the arrest of Ahmed "Jumpin' Bean" Zwahiri. Call me kooky, but I don't know of any Mosques in Mexico. And if Al-Qaeda flew into the country to sneak across the border, first they would catch a contact-buzz leading to munchies, more pot, and culminating in Peace, Love, and Hacky-sac. Of course we should be against this. One more Jimmy Buffet fan is too much to bear.

The show's producer said, "We're showing everyday heroes who are risking their lives to protect us." The real subject of this show is how our "brave" men and women harass Mexicans. A good commercial would be "If you liked Cops because you got to see black people get handcuffed, you'll LOVE watching the Browns get busted on Border Security USA!"

The show should be called, "Keepin' America Spic n' Span." (Actually I used that phrase innocently while eating in a Pollo Tropical. I was so embarrassed. Luckily I didn't offend anyone because no one spoke English.)

The Hollywood Reporter says the sci-fi pilot Virtuality will be set aboard Earth's first starship on a 10-year journey to explore a distant solar system. To help the crew endure the long trip, NASA equips the ship with advanced virtual reality modules, allowing them to assume adventurous identities and go anyplace they want.

So we are to believe that Earth's best and brightest scientists will get so bored on a space trip that they need to be entertained with constant mindless fantasies? I think that when a scientist is asked what he did for the last ten years, he would want to say, "I did remarkable science in the lab and cured AIDS. " Instead, he gets to say, "I got to have hot sex with a 3rd level Blood Elf Mage! It took me 4 years but I finally hit her zero-G g-spot."

Why is it that sex and pornography are always at the forefront of technology? The first words ever recorded on the phonograph were, "Mary had a little lamb." The first XXX video I saw on the Internet was Mary having a little lamb. What I'm saying is that sex always trumps more pressing issues and inventions. For example thousands of people die from slipping in the bathtub because of poor bath mat traction technology. Personally, I think it would make sense not to make the track-pads in the shape of flowers but instead make it a large rectangle the length of the tub. Yeah, I know I'm talking crazy, but why should I want flowery traction for only 20% of where I stand. I demand 100% protection. I mean airbags don't inflate to only 3 inches, so I want real protection. I guess they only way we can achieve this if we tell our scientists that we want bath traction in the shape of 2 large breasts... then they'd jump right on it.

Beverly Hills 90210 is coming back to TV this fall and will star another original cast member, Tori Spelling. I fear for her safety with horses being put down at the Kentucky Derby almost every year on TV.

In related story, Beverly Hills is hot. Eddie Murphy wants to do Beverly Hills Cop IV. I hope the movie posters don't abbreviate the title. I won't laugh at a film called B HIV. And you can't get HIV from giving a ride to a Tranny Prostitute. Eddie was doing his civic duty. He had sponsored that street with a "kept litter free by Eddie Murphy" street sign. He was just picking up white trash. On a last note, Eddie could be my hero by really being a Beverly Hill Cop and arresting everyone filming over at 90210.

Motley Crue drummer, Tommy Lee, is set to lend his voice to The Life and Times of Jimmy Jaxx, an animated half-hour loosely based on his own life.

Variety says the project revolves around a rocker who attempts to balance his crazy lifestyle on the road with a calmer existence at home as a guy trying to be ordinary. Yeah, we can all relate to his calm home life, where he films sex with supermodels. That's a calm run of the mill Sunday. I can't wait for the cartoon. He's so like me, especially when the cartoon character is nervous about going and getting tested for Hepatitis-C.