It must be Polar Opposite Weekend or something. Because after I saw one of the best movies of the year yesterday, The Ladykillers, I saw easily the worst movie of the year today, in Torque. Wow. I looked high and low for a redeeming quality of this movie, but after the over-acted performances, insanely blatant product placement, retarded CGI, horrendous dialogue and story, I just couldn't find one. Well, you get to look at some hot chicks in Monet Mazur, Christina Milian and Jamie Pressly, but you don't even see Milian and Pressly too much, and Pressly looks like a dominatrix, which doesn't suit her very well. The score has some nice metal music, but you can get that on Kazaa or Napster...umm, I mean you can get that at your local record store. If you haven't guessed, there is not a single reason to see this movie.

Torque starts out with Cary Ford (Henderson) returning to L.A. after an exodus in Thailand where he was evading Johnny Law for some drug charges, which, of course, he's innocent of. That's right, Thailand. Who hides in Thailand? Anyway, he's back, looking for his chick (Mazur) and trying to explain things to her. And the real guy who had the drugs, which Ford hid from him, is looking for him too and he wants his drugs and the bikes they were hidden in back. But Ford can't give them back because he needs them to clear his name...and to make this the longest 81-minute movie you're ever likely to endure.

Martin Henderson didn't do too bad of a job in The Ring, and I guess he isn't really that bad here either. Saying that he gives the best performance doesn't really mean that much, because all of the other performances are so dreadful, Henderson's slightly-average performance seems like Brando in On the Waterfront in comparison. I've always thought Ice Cube was a pretty good actor as well, but he is just way too menacing as this biker-gang leader guy, Trey. Matt Schulze's horrendous performance took a lot away from The Transporter, for me, and he hasn't improved at all, apparently, because he's pretty bad here as Henry James. Monet Mazur is pretty hot, but she can't act her way out of anything after her boring performance here as Shane. Her and Henderson are probably the only ones here who aren't totally obnoxious, so I guess that's a good thing...

I was not shocked at all to see that Torque marked Matt Johnson's screenwriting debut. The story is just dull, a brittle backbone for director Joseph Kahn to jump his bikes around, and you'll have to look pretty hard to find dialogue as bad as this movie. There is one funny line, though, where a Ford tries to get back on Shane's good side. "I wrote letters." "I built fires." But that was it. He even used the retarded "I live my life 10 seconds at a time" line from The Fast and the Furious. Mazur replies to that line with "That's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard." That was probably the smartest thing uttered in the entire movie. It's just too bad Johnson didn't say that to himself when he was writing those lines...

I was also not shocked when I saw that director Joseph Kahn was a music video director, and this was his first feature film. He must have attended the Stephen Sommers school of directing, using tons of CGI. There is one cool shot, though, where a motorcycle hops up on a moving train. There was some slick camera work in that part, but yeah, that was about it. I don't know why Kahn had everyone go so over the top, because it was so contrived and consequentially dull. And Kahn must have had some budget problems, because in this bike showdown thing, they have these frickin' huge signs for Pepsi and Mountain Dew. Subtlety, Joseph. Subtelty...

Torque is a movie about how you can take some decent actors, a horrible script and a neophyte director and bring out the worst in everything. This movie should've been sponsored by Tylenol, because after seeing this waste of celluloid, all I have to say is this: My head hurts...

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