Poor Santa. He went down the wrong chimney only to be caught by mad scientist Dr. Heiter. Now, Ol' Saint Nick's run-in with the inventor of The Human Centipede has been turned into an ugly Christmas sweater. And they're calling it The Human Santapede.
Who would come up with such a depraved holiday sweater, you might ask yourself? Well, you can blame the fine folks at Shinesty for giving you such nightmares. The Human Santapede is part of their exclusive ugly Christmas sweater line-up. It's the first of four such sweaters that are sure to get you a lot of comments at this year's office Christmas party. Shinesty offer up this description for what will surely be a fine addition to your wardrobe, as they treat Santa Claus in the worst way possible.
"I told myself I had to go watch the Human Centipede in order to write this Christmas sweater description, and boy was I wrong. Don't do it. Don't watch the Human Centipede. Just buy this sweater and let your creepy friends ask you if its the Human Centipede, to which you reply "No, It's the Human Santapede". Everyone bursts into tears. Curtains close. The crowd goes absolutely crazy."
The second ugly Christmas sweater being offered up is the Saint Nicolas Caged top. It shows Nicolas Cage dressed up as Sant and locked away in jail. Here is the official description for this ugly Christmas sweater.
"I'll let the picture speak for itself with this ugly Christmas sweater. Saint Nicholas. In a cage. It doesn't matter what I write here, these are going to sell faster than you can steal the Declaration of Independence or ruin a professional acting career with an awful movie like "Left Behind."
The third sweater is a take on Tony Montana. It's all about the blow. Of course it'll be a white Christmas when you wear this while opening presents in the morning. Only, they can't call it the Tony Montana sweater, cause that would break some legality in selling this fine merchandise. But if you are looking for a little Scarface love to warm up your holidays, here you go.
"Say hello to my little friend, the Tony Mountaina Christmas sweater. He's dreaming of a white Christmas, but not like the blizzard circa '07. Like any good economist, Tony knows America was built on laundered money and he's ready to continue that legacy with the only Christmas sweater to give a middle finger to the in-laws and a good laugh to uncle Steven when you guys "Go to the bathroom" before playing family Scategories."
The fourth and final sweater is so controversial, they didn't even include it in the press release. But we have it here for you to see in all its glory. It's the Fake News ugly Christmas sweater. And it shows Jesus, hands to the air, claiming that Santa Claus is 'Fake News'. The guy is really getting hit hard twice. First Dr. Heiter clones him and turned him into his own Human Centipede, now Jesus is pulling a Trump and kicking the gift giver while he's down. You can check out the shirts here, and if you like what you see, head on over to Shinesty and order yourself up one. It looks like they have a lot more cool Christmas merch for you to peruse at your own leisure.