Now, my tastes in movies are much like any other red-blooded, glue-sniffing American, but there are certain things about a movie that immediately move it over to my required viewing list. Things like: fighting robots, time-traveling ninjas or lesbian cheerleader orgies. Now on that same note, there are also many things that will prevent me from ever seeing certain movies, such as: the words "a story of feminine empowerment" or "from the producers of Thelma & Louise" or even worse "starring: Meg Ryan". But, the ultimate piece of kryptonite to my movie viewing has always been a singer or a musician. I absolutely refuse to see any movie starring my favorite band from the 80's (Flock of Seagulls) or this week's illegally-underage scantily-clad pop princess.
After movies like Glitter, A Walk to Remember, Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park, On The Line or Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, I think that I've poked myself in the eye enough times already and I won't do it again. And, you would think that Hollywood would feel the same way, right? Wrong! Have you heard about this movie Crossroads? Which is supposed to star another singer? Who is the shit-faced cock master of a producer who green-lighted another movie like this? Bring me this man's head! Wait, let me guess, it's probably a new-age remake of A Clockwork Orange, starring Aaron Carter ("What up? I like ultra violence, yo."). Or better yet, Citizen Kane, but with Jay-Z instead of Orson Welles ("R, to the izz-O, S, to izz-E, B-U-D"). That's it. I'm going to jam the business end of a meat thermometer under each of my eyelids...Huh? What's that? The musician in Crossroads is who? HOLY POOP!! Britney Spears?! I can't wait to see that movie. Man, I'd bang her like a screen door in a hurricane. Thank you shit-faced cock master producer! Thank you! God Bless you and the good work you do.
None of us know how these movies get made, but just like that itchy rash you got from that skanky girl, they just wont go away. Oh, and they both make it hurt when you pee... Britney Spears, who was recently quoted as saying "My love for New Yorkers right now is indefinite", may not have a grasp on the English language, but she does seem to have a grasp on the entertainment biz. The movie Crossroads is the latest offering from Spears, whose videos and HBO special have caused an increase in the sales of Kleenex, lotion (with Lanolin, not that Aloe Vera shit), and VCR pause button repair. The movie was also unbelievably conceived by Spears. Crossroads bears just a slight resemblance to a movie released in 1989 called Shag. Shag, which stars Phoebe Cates, who wore out her fair share of pause buttons coming out of the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, is a coming of age movie about four girls who go on a road trip and find out who they really are.
Now, Crossroads, which is a totally different film, is a coming of age story about three girls and a guy who go on a road trip and find out who they really are. See the difference? One of them has four girls, and the other... ah, never mind. Spears, who will be shaking her money maker in the next Austin Powers film, opens the movie by dancing around in her underwear. When I first saw this I had to look again, because Britney seems to have what I can only describe as mood-boobies. Just as a mood-ring seems to change it's color according to your mood, it appears that Britney's boobs seem to change size according to the audience that she is trying to attract. When she's on MTV she uses her massive juggs to hypnotize the male audience members into downloading fake nude pictures of her, and while shooting the movie she opted for the more aerodynamic, smaller boobies so as not to make the young girls who are more likely to go to see her movie feel inadequate. This has been going on for as long as she's been around and it will probably continue to go on. It's kinda like Fat Elvis and Skinny Elvis, hell, fifty years down the road we'll probably be voting on whether you want the minutely-boobed Britney, or the massively-jugged Britney on a postage stamp. And if this ever comes to be, then you know that we truly live in the greatest country in the world.
Until next time...~Dunne