|This week:A Little Valentine's Day Advice For The Guys From Your Uncle Dunne.|
I thought with Valentine's Day being right around the corner you guys might want some advice on which movie to take your old lady to. (Tip: you probably shouldn't call her your "old lady" and while we're on the subject, try to avoid calling her a fat bitch too). Studies show that 94% of women with mental illnesses claim that the movie is the most important part of any date. Now I know that all of your dates won't be mentally ill, but probably most of them will be. I mean, do you really think a girl in her right mind is gonna go out with a chubby fan boy such as yourself? Yeah, sure... I bet she told you that she looked deep into your soul, past your naughty Princess Leia obsession, your Planet of the Apes action figure collection, and completely ignored the fact that everything you say comes directly from Army of Darkness (Gimme some sugar baby), and found a handsome and generous man that she fell totally in love with. Ah, that's probably just her fevered brain talking...Anyway, I thought that I'd give you the heads-up on a few of your possible choices for that perfect Valentine's Day movie.
First up is Kate & Leopold, which stars Meg Ryan and Hugh Jackman. Despite being the perfect opportunity for Wolverine to team up with the Silver Surfer and finally face off against the villainous world-devouring Meg Ryan, they instead turn it into your basic Meg Ryan movie. You know what I'm talking about. Meg Ryan is a lonely single woman, who meets a chivalrous and handsome man through some unlikely manner such as television, email, or the ever-predictable temporal rift, while a catchy Celine Dion or Jewel song plays in the background. This isn't a bad movie to take your date to, as long as you're prepared to be let down by the fact that Wolverine never gets to do what he does best. Snikt.
The next movie is Snow Dogs, which stars Cuba Gooding Jr. and a couple of freakish uber-dogs that are able to speak and recline in beach chairs. You should probably stay away from this movie unless your date is twelve years old or a Boston Terrier, either way they're gonna get in free...
Then there's The Count of Monte Cristo, with Memento's Guy Pearce. This movie is jam packed with pissed off guys who have perms, pointed goatees and wear frilly shirts. Did you realize that this is actually the 35th different version of The Count of Monte Cristo? That's right, We still have no cure for cancer and brothers keep on dyin' and mothers keep on cryin', but at least they can watch a different version of The Count of Monte Cristo every day during the month of June. This probably wont be a bad movie to take your date to, women love the stories like this, besides if it gets too boring you can always pretend that the Count is a robot assassin from the future sent back to destroy everyone in a pirate shirt.
Moving on, Black Hawk Down is a heroic tale of American soldiers fighting for their lives in Somalia. It is truly a story of strength and courage, which will probably remind your girlfriend of your lack of strength as well as courage. Like the time that biker-looking guy beat the crap out of you in front of her. Then he stole your wallet and took a dump on the hood of your '87 Honda Civic, as you laid there holding your yambag (thanks Dice) and pretending not to cry. Remember that? She does too.
Well, how about Big Fat Liar, starring Frankie Muniz from Malcolm in the Middle? I mean everybody loves that little shit right? And the movie does look like it has a high potential for people getting hit in the nuts, which everyone loves. There is not a man, woman, or child in this great nation of ours that doesn't love to see a man getting socked in his grocery bag, it's the universal language. When the aliens land this is how we will finally reach them, not love or music or any of that other hippie crap, but pure good old American testicle bonkin'. With all that said, this movie should be O.K. right? Wrong. You need to take into consideration the fact that Frankie Muniz is probably half your age and make twice as much in one year as you'll make in your entire life. How's that for an inferiority complex? She shows up to the movie with you and leaves with the eight year old in the $400 pair of Keds.
I guess I could keep going, but we all know there's only one perfect Valentine's Day movie. So, on your way home from work next Thursday pick up a single rose (classy), a case of Miller High Life (extra classy) and swing by the old video store and grab their last copy of Buckaroo Banzai. Then head home and give your old lady the happiest 118 minutes of her life. That's 116 minutes for the film and two minutes to do what ya gotta do (make 'em count).
Until next time...~Dunne