Halloween is finally upon us, and a lot of you have been holding down your own horror movie marathons. We're sure you've included the classics, but not many of them actually take place on All Hallow's Eve. And the ones that do? Well, quite a few are not very good. John Carpenter's 1978 Halloween is of course a classic. 2009's Trick 'r Treat is a new perennial favorite that grows its cult base every year. And you simply can't go wrong with The Nightmare Before Christmas between now and New Year's Eve. But you may want to seek out new and interesting films that revolve around this terrifying treat-filled holiday. The following list of movies is not for you! This is a warning: Do not invite your friends over for the following 13 fright flicks, as they are the worst Halloween movies of all-time. That said, they are not without their merits. Sometimes a movie is so bad, it's good. We have a few of those on the list. Some are just unwatchable on any type of level. And should not be attempted by even the most fool hearty horror aficionado. Without further ado, here are the Halloween-themed movies you should just forget exist. You'll thank us for it!
Tagline: Evil finds it's way home.
Release Date: July 19, 2002
The Killer: Slaher Michael Myers.
Why it's the WORST: Some might argue that we could sit here and fill up this list with Halloween sequels and remakes. We won't do that, cause we actually like quite a few of them. But we need to throw one on the list, and this one takes the cake. Halloween: Resurrection comes nearly four years after Jamie Lee Curtis first reprised her role as Michael Myers' sister Laurie Strode. That novelty has certainly worn off, and does this final installment in the franchise (before it was rebooted) no favors. The final two original Halloween movies were a byproduct of the Scream genre of self-referential horror movies, and this one especially tries to appease both old fans and new. That just doesn't work to its favor, especially now, 12 years later, when the film seems incredibly dated. The movie also attempts to cash in on the reality show craze that was booming at the time of its release. Cameras are placed throughout the old childhood home of Mike, and on cue, he shows up to dispatch the contestants. In what may be one of the worst moments in any Halloween movie, Halloween: Resurrection actually contains a scene where Busta Rhymes kung fu kicks Mike out a window. Some may argue, but we're calling this the worst Halloween movie ever made!
Tagline: It's harvest time
Release Date: October 10, 1995
The Killer: The Pumpkin-headed ghost of a wizard.
Why it's the WORST: A resurrected wizard with a pumpkin for a head and a taste for vengeance seeks out his killer's ancestors. He heads to suburbia to track down a teen who must stop him at all costs. Cribbing from both John Carpenter's Halloween and The Fog, the movie is far too laughable to take serious. Fine if you're looking for a horror comedy, but it appears the makers of Jack-O were not in on the joke. The lead is terrible, but that's what happens when a director casts his own son instead of finding someone with just a smidgen of talent. This movie is known in the horror community as Shit Pickle. It was a comment the producer picked up on in a review, and he brings it up constantly in the DVD audio commentary track. Much to the chagrin of the director. Jack-O does earn points for casting horror icon Linnea Quigley nearly ten years past her prime, but there are better ways to celebrate the actress this holiday season.
Tagline: At last! A motion picture made by, for, and about people...Just like you!
Release Date: January 1, 1983
The Killer: The infamous 'Lawnmower Killer'.
Why it's the WORST: If you hate spoof movies, steer clear of this wacky riff on John Carpenter's Halloween and the slasher genre of that time. Before Scary Movie and the much maligned work of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, there was Wacko, a cheap-o movie that was riding the parody craze spawned by Airplane! three years earlier. Quite a few horror spoofs made their way into theaters around this time, and this was possibly the worst. It takes place on Halloween, 13 years after Mary Graves' older sister was murdered on Halloween prom night by a power-mowing maniac. Mary, who still sees little lawnmowers everywhere, prepares for her own Halloween Prom where all the questions of the past 13 years will be answered as the pumpkin-headed killer (the second on this list) returns. Hot on their trail is an obsessed cop who won't allow history to repeat itself. While there are a few laughs, most don't stick. Its an incredibly dated film, and only fun for nostalgia enthusiasts on that level. It also contain the theatrical debut of comedian Andrew 'Dice' Clay, so it does have that going for it. It's worth checking out if you're a comedy history nut, but all others should stay far away.
Tagline: A circus of the mind.
Release Date: January 15, 1989
The Killer: Escaped mental patients masquerading as clowns.
Why it's the WORST: The history behind this movie is rather icky, and when you know what went on behind the scenes, multiple shots of young boys in their underwear will probably have you turning this off within twenty minutes. Its pretty much for hardcore satanists. The story takes place just before Halloween, as three young brothers are menaced by a group of escaped mental patients who have murdered the members of a traveling circus and are now disguising themselves as clowns. They break into the kids' house and spend the next 70 minutes chasing and torturing them while they parade around in their skivvies. Its creepy and has its moments, but the real horrors happened off screen, with director Victor Salva (known best for his Jeepers Creepers movies) sexually abusing his youngest actor Nathan Forrest Winters. And allegedly video taping it! Salva served 15 months of a 3-year-prison term, but was released to make more movies about shirtless young boys.
5 Spooky Buddies
Tagline: A Halloween movie for the entire family.
Release Date: September 20, 2011
The Killer: Warwick the Warlock.
Why it's the WORST: Spooky Buddies is cute, and fun to look at for about five minutes. But it soon turns into a dreary slog through absolute boredom with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Its just dogs, standing and talking while their lips don't move. Harland Williams tries to have fun as the evil warlock, but his sometimes amusing antics just grow to irritate. To be fair, the movie is probably intended for the 5 and under set, which is why its about as stimulating as an episode of Teletubbies. There's no real reason to watch Spooky Buddies, unless you want to turn it on for your lonely dogs while you're out whoring it up at some Halloween soirée. Whatever you do, don't bring this to a movie party. I don't care how young, dumb or girly you pretend to be, there's no way you make it through the duration of this family comedy unless you're too stoned to get off the couch and change the channel. I think it's sole intentions for existing are as background noise.
Tagline: No false metal!
Release Date: October 24, 1986
The Killer: 80s Heavy Metal Superstar Sammi Curr.
Why it's the WORST: Not to be confused with 2009's Trick 'r Treat, this piece of 80s trash stars Family Ties' Skippy Handleman, aka Marc Price...Wait, I wasn't finished! Anyway, as I was saying, Skippy plays a tormented teenager named Eddie who is obsessed with heavy metal. Playing to the horrors of backwards masking, which was all the rage at the time, Eddie runs his latest Sammi Curr record in the opposite direction and unleashes a deadly curse. As Halloween approaches, Eddie realizes life's not all about rock and roll, but also life and death! Trick or Treat has its moments, and can be fun if you're in the right mood. But that doesn't change the fact that it's an 80s stinker that has never gotten it's due. Though, rightly so. It's motto is 'No False Metal', which is weird cause it hits every false metal note in the book.
Tagline: The next generation of mischief.
Release Date: February 18, 2005
The Killer: Loki, the Norse god of darkness and mischief.
Why it's the WORST: This isn't just one of the worst Halloween movies of all-time, its also one of the top 5 worst sequels of all-time, and might just be on the list of all-time worst movies, period. While some might not consider the 1994 The Mask a true comic book classic, Jim Carrey's hit comedy adventure deserved better than this. And say what you will about Carrey, Jamie Kennedy is a lousy replacement for the physically demanding brilliance on display in that first outing. The plot here revolves around a Halloween party, where a new kind of party animal is unleashed. Tim Avery, named after the famed cartoonist Tex Avery, is himself an aspiring animator who finds himself in quite the October quandary when he stumble upon this ancient mask of Loki, which makes him behave like an annoying dickbag that you want to punch in the face for 80 straight minutes. If you can walk away from this disaster and still find it in your heart to like Jamie Kennedy, you are a better, more forgiving person than most. There aren't too many redeeming qualities to be found here, and even back in 2005, the CGI just hadn't quite caught up yet, at least not in a cheapie knock-off like this. While it's not really considered a horror movie, its Halloween-themed storyline might have you reaching back for a fresh viewing. Heed our warning, don't do it, you'll regret it.
8 Halloween Night
Tagline: Based on a true story.
Release Date: October 24, 2006
The Killer: An asylum escapee with a face like a hamburger.
Why it's the WORST: This thing looks like it was shot on an old inner tube. Even though it claims to be from 2006, it looks like a high school production from 1976, and that includes everything from the story to the actors to the locations. We dare you to sit through more than twenty minutes before turning it off. That should come as no surprise, as this Halloween haunter dribbled out of the infamous Asylum (much like its killer) years before they became well-known for their cheapie 'mockbusters'. The plot is as old as the decaying film stock, and revolves around a young mental ward escapee who witnessed his mother getting raped and murdered on Halloween night. He returns to the town of his youth, ready to exact his revenge, toting a big scary knife and a face that looks like a day old McDonald's cheeseburger. After offing some teens, our slasher hero heads to a grand Halloween party to dismember more friendly faces. Packed with plenty of cliches, this predictable piece of hokum carries very little weight and delivers zero scares. You'd be better off watching Halloween 2 for the up tenth time.
9 Spaced Invaders
Tagline: They're hip! They're hilarious! Halloween will never be the same!
Release Date: April 27, 1990.
The Killer: No killers, just goofy aliens.
Why it's the WORST: A group of dimwitted martians land in a small Illinois town on Halloween as a rebroadcast of Orson Welles 1938 radio classic War of the Worlds is planned. The costumes are cool looking, but that's about it as these green rubbery beings bounce around amongst the trick or treaters, unable to convince anyone that they're really from outer space. The dull plot has the extraterrestrials planning to take over earth, but they fail miserably and instead befriend two of its youngest inhabitants and use their technology to fight off a killer robot. While some might harbor a bit of nostalgia for this moronic bit of fluff, it's a brainless and silly waste of time that only really little kids might like. Adults on the other hand are going to find it 'cute' for exactly four minutes, and then they're going to reach for the candy bowl, which will prove to be a lot more nutritious. There are far better alien invasion flicks to watch this Halloween, if that's what you're into.
10 The Dog Who Saved Halloween
Tagline: This dog has some new tricks...And treats!
Release Date: September 13, 2011.
The Killer: A dog voiced by Big Bang Theory actress Mayim Bialik.
Why it's the WORST: Halloween is a time for kids, so its interesting that most of the Halloween movies aimed at the younger crowd are so bad! Again, like a few of the movies on this list, this is just a big pile of cute meant to serve as background noise. And that works to your favor if you're having a big party where the TV is a decoration. If you're planning to camp out in front of this thing for the full duration of its 88 minutes, prepare to walk away lobotomized. Like Spooky Buddies, this is just one in a series of 'The Dog Who Saved' adventures. I can't speak to the other entries in the franchise, but what we have here is fairly painful to sift through. It finds the Bannister family moving into a new house just in time for Halloween, where they encounter a creepy neighbor (points for casting the Lance Henriksen!), a scary dog voiced by Blossom, and a haunted house. The dog gets in a tussle with some ghosts, and their is some questionably sexist material looming about its outer surface, which doesn't jive well for a kids movie. Curtis 'Booger' Armstrong does show up at one point, but he can't save what is nothing but a throwaway plot hinged on the weakest of ideas. This movie has no place in your Halloween horror marathon.
11 The Clown Murders
Tagline: It started as a joke....
Release Date: September 17, 1976
The Killer: We're not really sure.
Why it's the WORST: Wait, what? The legendary John Candy is in a horror movie? Yes, and it's awful. A group of young professionals decide to kidnap one of their ex-girlfriend's who has become married to a very rich man. They want to use the ruse as a way to mess up a major real estate deal, but things go flying off the hinges quite quickly. What started as a joke soon become deadly during a Canadian set Halloween party, where the kidnappers soon turn on each other and chaos breaks out. Its kind of confusing and wastes the immense talents of Candy, who is responsible for bringing in the clowns to this situation. The movie is so chewed it always feels in danger of blowing away in the wind, and its dull. There's not much fun to be found lingering about its bare bones. As a thriller, it fails to succeed on any level, though there is a fair share of overwrought melodrama that may keep those attuned to artistic awfulness glued to the TV in bewildered state of shock. The movie as a whole is slow, and boring, and, to put it bluntly, pretty pathetic. Definitely not John Candy's finest hour by any stretch of the imagination.
12 Stan Helsing
Tagline: The most feared monsters in cinematic history have met their match.
Release Date: October 21, 2009
The Killer: The world's most iconic slashers.
Why it's the WORST: When the title is the funniest thing in or about a movie, you know you're in trouble. Stan Helsing tries to cash in on popularity of the Scary Movie franchise, but comes up flat like a two day old open can of Coke found in the park. The cast, which includes SNL mainstay Kenan Thompson and a handful of unknowns, are game but the material fails them at every turn. Its not their fault, its the jokes. They are some of the biggest groaners you'll hear and see this decade. That's too bad, cause the movie does have a fun premise, which finds a decedent of Van Helsing working at a video store on Halloween night. Having to deliver some video tapes (this was before streaming was all the rage) he soon discovers his destiny, which is to rid the world of every American slasher that has ever made a franchise name for him or herself. Working under the guise of parody, this sounds fantastic. Where else are you going to see the ultimate showdown between Leatherface, Freddy, Jason, Mike, Pinhead and Chucky. Sadly, the filmmakers don't know, or care to understand what they have at their disposal, and instead of doing something worthwhile, go for the most base, lame one-liners and sight gags you can imagine. Its a frustrating experiment to take part in, and if it wasn't for the very handsome lead and his two very sexy female sidekicks, there wouldn't be anything interesting to look at in this movie at all. It's just too bad, and shamefully wasteful.
13 The Pumpkin Karver
Tagline: Evil finds it's way home.
Release Date: October 31, 2006
The Killer: Another sadistic madman in a pumpkin mask.
Why it's the WORST: Come on! They couldn't even spell the title right! This is our third movie with a pumpkin-headed killer on the loose, which makes one wonder: Can a good movie be made using this premise? There is a unique twist this time out, though. A young boy stabs his sister's boyfriend to death, thinking he's a rapist. A year later, the brother and sister duo move to a new town just in time for Halloween, where the kid is haunted by the ghost of his stabbing victim. They eventually wind up at a Halloween party in a field, where someone in a Pumpkin Face mask is attacking teenagers and craving up their faces? Who could it be? Who cares? This is a lame Scooby-doo plot. The film is overwrought with cliches, everything from the dialogue to the acting is just down right implacable, and the ending is a real groaner. The characters we are forced to go on this journey with are a big bunch of stupid idiots, and by the end, the culmination of all these things makes for an unbearable and annoying experience. Halloween did the holiday and the slasher genre right all in one fail swoop. If The Pumpkin Karver proves one thing, its that we don't really need another Halloween slasher flick. Its been done, and no one will likely do it better for quite some time.
What do you think? Do you know of a worse Halloween themed movie then these 13 awful films? Let us know if we missed one so we can check it out as see just how bad it is for ourselves! Thanks for playing, and have a happy Halloween!