Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) and Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is easily one of the scariest movies of all time, no question. Loosely based on true events, put together in the early '70s on a shoestring budget, this thing played like some sorta snuff film. It's chilling. It's such a great horror film that once the sequels stopped coming, Hollywood tried to reboot it not once, but twice. The first time around, producer Michael Bay or somebody else thought hiring a guy who'd directed music videos for Mariah Carey, George Michael, and the Spice Girls would be a good idea. Despite a valiant effort from kickass heroine Jessica Biel, the 2003 remake was terrible. 2013's Texas Chainsaw 3D wasn't any better, despite serving as a direct sequel to the original, while completely ignoring The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, the 2003 remake, and the prequel to the remake, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. In 2017 there was Leatherface, a sequel to the 2013 movie, which is actually a prequel to the 1974 original. It's the eighth Texas Chainsaw movie. Wait, why are we still talking about this?
House of Wax (2005)
Why mess with a Vincent Price classic? 1953's House of Wax has a 95 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes! More than a half century later, Hollywood had the bright idea to remake House of Wax with smug teen soap actor Chad Michael Murray, The Girl Next Door Elisha Cuthbert, and a height of confounding fame Paris Hilton. Plenty of jokes were made about how Hilton may as well have been an actual wax statue. Plenty of sickos hate watched just to see a b-celebrity they hate get fake killed. Anyway you slice it, or melt it, the 2005 version of House of Wax was just terrible.
John Carpenter's original Halloween is a classic in any genre, a standard-bearer and genre-defining landmark in the history of slasher flicks and a movie that's genuinely scary. Shock rocker and former White Zombie frontman Rob Zombie is such an avowed fan of b-movies, sci-fi, blood and gore, thrillers, and all things '70s, putting him in charge of rebooting the Halloween franchise seemed like a decent idea. Sure, House of 1000 Corpses didn't get his movie career off to a promising start, but it does have its fans. The Devil's Rejects was much better. Then came Halloween. Ex pro-wrestler Tyler Mane is plenty imposing in the mask but that's about the only positive thing about this completely pointless remake. The original film boasts a fresh 93 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Rob Zombie's remake Halloween remake? A rotten 25 percent. Somehow, his stupidly titled H2: Halloween II, released in 2009, was even worse.
One Missed Call (2008)
The American remake of The Ring was so great that it most assuredly inspired many nightmares. Unfortunately, it also inspired many nightmarish remakes, too. Hollywood went crazy for Japanese horror stories in the wake of the success of The Ring. The American remakes of The Grudge and Dark Water are not without their fans, but dreck like The Eye with Jessica Alba, Pulse with Kristen Bell, Mirrors with Kiefer Sutherland, and Shutter with Joshua Jackson are much harder to defend. One Missed Call is probably the worst of them. Even the original wasn't very good and the remake? It has one of those very rare ZERO percent scores on the Tomatometer.
Prom Night (2008)
Released the same year as the remake of One Missed Call, Prom Night also took an original horror film that wasn't that great to begin with and made it even worse. The original at least had Halloween scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis and the late Leslie Nielsen. The remake starred Brittany Snow from the Pitch Perfect movies. We'll give it some bonus points for casting Jessica Stroup, who suffered through The Hills Have Eyes 2 the year before. No stranger to remakes, she's best known for the 90210 remake. More recently, she starred in TV's Iron Fist. Hey, we just like her, OK?
My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
We here at MovieWeb are big fans of Supernatural. We even like Friday the 13th 3D! Jaws 3D had an awesomely bad scene! We're big fans of the band My Bloody Valentine - who didn't have anything to do with this movie. But My Bloody Valentine 3D, even with Jensen Ackles hanging around, just didn't work. Total heartbreak, yo.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
It was the mother of all bad ideas to recast the "son of 100 maniacs" in a remake of Wes Craven's unimpeachable A Nightmare on Elm Street. Robert Englund is Freddy Krueger, from the voice, to the mannerisms to his physicality, right down to the way he stands and of course, the way he wears his glove. There is only one Springwood Slasher, so this reboot was completely doomed, no matter whom they cast.
Stephen King's breakthrough novel, Stephen King's breakthrough horror adaptation, Oscar nominations for Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, old school appearances by Nancy Allen, William Katt, Amy Irving, and John Travolta, and director Brian De Palma - sure, let's remake Carrie in 2013! Look, hiring Kimberly Peirce was a smart move. But even the director of Boys Don't Cry and the promising young actress who played Hit-Girl in the Kickass movies couldn't save the Carrie remake. It's just bad.
The Wicker Man (2006)
We saved the best of the worst for last. It's The Wicker Man! The original 1970s horror classic stars Edward Woodward, who American '80s kids will remember as TV's The Equalizer; Hammer Films icon, Sith Lord, and Lord of the Rings wizard Christopher Lee; and onetime Bond girl Britt Ekland. It's cool, it's creepy, and it even inspired a kickass Iron Maiden song. But we all know who starred in the 2006 remake, right? Nicolas Cage! It's a particularly bonkers performance in a nutso movie so bad that LA audiences regularly flock to places like Quentin Tarantino's New Beverly Theater to take in ironic midnight showings. It's spawned memes. Cage has even gone on record claiming he was more or less in on the joke. Whatever happened with The Wicker Man remake, it was the work of writer/director Neil LaBute, a director, screenwriter, playwright, and actor we never would've imagined penning the line: "Not the bees!" The 2013 "Final Cut" of the original boasts a perfect 100% score on Rotten Tomatoes. The Nic Cage version? 15%. Now that stings!