Billy Appleton with you once again, here on this sweltering June day. I'm sweating so much, you might think me a basement dwelling tweeb who just asked his first girl out on a date (not true!) But I do need some air conditioning up in this attic, so I might crawl down and visit the local Cineplex for a cool breeze, an icy soda, and an epic summertime big screen extravaganza. Are our movies still sucking? Let me check...
It's the sixth big summer release weekend of 2010, and we've yet heard nary a critic bestow any of our previously released blockbuster outings with that coveted cliché: "It's the thrill ride of the summer!" That might all change with this Friday's debut of director Joe Carnahan's version of The A-Team.
Yes! It's a TV adaptation. Yes! We've seen it all before. But that trailer is a kicking scream of juvenile bliss. And that scene with the falling tank is tits. Wait! What's that you say? There's not another scene like it in the whole movie? The A-Team is a bland hassle that hustles up an origin story we used to get in two minutes during the opening credits of the TV show? That this is to TV adaptations what last May's Robin Hood was to that particular legend. An unnecessary BM plunked in the PM? Gosh darned it! I so didn't want the The A-Team to suck. Sorry folks, but that's the word on the street.
As I do every week, I checked out all of my favorite on-line reviewers to hear what they had to say about The A-Team. I haven't seen it yet. I seriously wanted to. Because it looked like a lot of fun. Oh, how these critics have damped my spirits. Sorry Guys and Gals? It sucks! (And remember, you can check out the full review by clicking on the provided link)
"There's nothing exciting about this awful, over-the-top reboot. Instead of quickening our pulses, it makes our eyes glaze. Rarely more than bloated and boring. Neither the comedy nor the stunts and effects make for much fun. we get wooden acting. It's hard not to pity the fools who spend their dollars on this overblown mess."
"An incomprehensible mess with the 1980s TV show embedded inside. At over two hours of Queasy-Cam anarchy, it's punishment. Bored out of my mind during this spectacle, I found my attention wandering to the subject of physics. No action in this movie necessarily has any relationship to the actions surrounding it. How is it interesting to watch a movie in which the "action" is essentially colorful abstractions?"
"Has not one spark of inspiration in its creation. An expensive knock-off of a kitschy cultural artifact. A picture for stupid people. (The A-Team) engage in hopelessly convoluted rififi. Neophytes will find a gay(er) Charlie's Angels mash-up involving a band of cartoon Rescue Rangers doing impossible things to physics in a celebration of being an all-American doorknob."
"What's missing is the fun of the old series. Gone is the sense of whimsy of the original (TV show). This new The A-Team focuses entirely on the origin of the Alpha Unit. It spends its time on the serious tip, trying to explain everything and never really loosening its shirt collar all the way. There's a completely unnecessary conflict about the Mohawk. Mr. T had a Mohawk, no explanation necessary. It's just not really The A-Team. It's just too bad that after all these years of revisions and revamps they never really got it."
"Lifeless and unneeded. The excitement is lost in a spree of terrible editing and a plot that not even your being the screenwriter could make you care about. (It) coasts on expensive-looking, sloppily executed action sequences that fall well short of standard kinetic mayhem. They're not making a movie. They're making a franchise."
"Pithy descriptions don't come easy after a brain-fragmenting experience like this movie version of the unaccountably popular '80s TV show. The convoluted plot and multiple villains may challenge the attention span of the target demographic. Liam Neeson phones it in as smirking squad leader Hannibal Smith."
"Yet another disappointment, in a summer full of them. The film grinds to a halt once we're introduced to the incredibly lame villain. The A-Team falls apart in the second hour. The McGuffin of the plot, being a bunch of counterfeit plates, is as boring as can be. I was surprised at how badly the fight scenes were done, with this being yet another film where the hand to hand action is indecipherable due to too much quick cutting, and too many close-ups. A major disappointment."
There you have it folks. Like I said, The A-Team just isn't very good. And it certainly doesn't deserve our cash. Though I hear The Karate Kid isn't worth your time either. Gosh darn it, it sucks too!