Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!

Going Down UnderAries (March 21st-April 19th): Intelligence is something you constantly strive for, yet you're never quite sure if you are smart enough for the masses. It's bizarre. Why do you care so much about other people's perceptions? It's a waist of time and energy. This week, you will feel inclined to broaden your relationship horizons by embarking on a June-December romance. Things are going to be pretty exciting at first. You might even find that boost of academic encouragement you've been seeking for the last two years. Be cautious. Not all is fair in love and war, and age beats beauty every time. It doesn't really matter how smart you actually are. Take heed, and tiptoe lightly through the cornfields of cougar sex. Some individuals may be more dangerous than they appear. Your film of the week: Reader

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Its time to shake the dust off those musty old swim trunks and hit the beach, Taurus. You've been working far too many hours under that blinding fluorescent light. Pack up your suitcase and log into your favorite cheap ticket site. You need to seek out a new destination and park it there for a while. This is your week for relaxation and fun. One stipulation: You must embark on this journey by yourself. Romance and adventure await you on the other side of tomorrow. If you can dream it, it can be done. Just don't forget to pack all of the essentials. You'll need a tent, a sleeping bag, a box of booze, and a pick-ax. You are going to get down and dirty, and enjoy the sun. Your muscles really could use an extended work out. Don't forget to bring a pillow. Leisure time is included in the ticket price. Your film of the week: Going Down Under

Karma SaiyukiGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Your muscles have had it, Gemini. Whether you've been working out too hard at the gym, or striving for a couple of extra bucks in this harsh economic climate, you've done quite the number on yourself. You need to stop moving and slow it down to a crawl. Like a good Ion battery, your cells need instant recharging. Otherwise, you'll never make it to see the end of next week. Isn't it about time you treated yourself to some deep tissue therapy? Your future goodwill depends on this quaint practice. Take a couple of moments out of each and every day to stretch. Find a quiet place on the floor, and sit there for a while. Find time to stare at the ceiling. Most importantly, treat yourself to a massage. It will make you feel like a whole new woman. About the Happy Ending? Go for it. Your film of the week: Karma Saiyuki

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): It's really your fault that your current relationship has become so stale, Cancer. Whenever a problem arises, you crawl back into your little crab shell, afraid to show your true face to the world. Well, knock it off. Otherwise, you might lose the most important person in your life. Open it up and lay it all out on the table. You are both searching for different things. Maybe its time to take it to the next level. Perhaps its time to invite someone new into your romantic life. There are a thousand possibilities awaiting you out there, in this cruel, crazy world. Are you unable to give your mate what he wants? And vice versa? Don't throw it all away, talk it through and see what you can do about it. "Salvage" is the key to surviving the monotony of this very tiresome time period. Your film of the week: American Swing

Fight NightLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Leo, you have the ability to become a hero in the eyes of your fellow countrymen. You are loved by many, and worshipped by quite a few. People notice you the moment you walk into a room. Its time to realize the potential this type of notoriety brings. Stop being such a sourpuss and dive headfirst into your life's calling. You have the ability to make other people happy. You can wring joy out of the most morose of situations. Stop sitting on your hard wooden chair and take off down the street. See if someone needs help. Take a moment and open that old lady's car door. Smile, even if you're not quite feeling it. The world is depressed. Its people like you that will pull us out of the recession. Your film of the week: Spirit [2 Discs] [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): I don't get you, Virgo. When everything is going smoothly, you decide to pick the weirdest fights. It's in your nature to be confrontational, yet you are so passive-aggressive when the ball starts to roll in your favor. Stand like a man and take the hit. Give it back as good as it is received. Don't run your mouth and then apologize. Saying, "I'm sorry!" Is for wieners and misanthropes that don't know any better. You are a singular force, and once you make people recognize that, you might win the more appealing side of the argument. Don't just stick your toe in this swampy pond. Stick your whole damn foot in. Otherwise, people will write you off as a nuisance. Your film of the week: Fight Night

SplinterLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): It's not in you to fly solo, Libra. That idea scares and intimidates you, I know. But you better get used to it. This week, you are going to be asked to head up a personal trek that no one else is willing to embark on. You will have to strip yourself of personal artifacts and head into the woods, naked (so to speak). This is a special time in your life. You will have to examine your personal feelings with a fine-toothed comb, brushing out all of those annoying habits that seem to turn potential costumers away at the gate. Consider it your vision quest. Get yourself a tent and pitch it in the back yard. Its time to look deep into your soul, and find out what makes you happy. Even if it means shooting somebody. Your film of the week: Solo

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Ugh! You can be such a monster sometimes, Scorpio. Why do you always do this to yourself? It seems like you can only play nice for about five minutes, and then you are back to ripping someone's head off. Do you enjoy the negative attention this heaps upon your persona day to day? You must, because you are earning quite the reputation. No one wants to get near you, and its hurting your chances at a quality relationship. It's like some evil alien being is using your body as a host half the time. It's a sticky black mess that's liable to poke any willing person's eyes out. You need to shape up and recount the aggressive moments that have done you the most personal harm. Stop being such a bitch. Then, maybe you'll get more out of your so-called life. Your film of the week: Splinter

In Your DreamsSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Why do you have such a hard time coping with your friends' problems? Everything in this life doesn't need to be about you. All of the time. You have excellent problem solving skills, and someone close to you is going to come calling later this week. You need to open yourself up to their calamity. Dive into this pool and save them, brother. Like Obi Wan, you might be their only hope. They didn't turn to you frivolously. They went through their list of acquaintances, and saw that you are quite capable of dealing with the little annoyances that pop up throughout the daily routine and grind. Accept their pleas. Help your fellow man in this time of crisis. Your film of the week: My Best Friend Is a Vampire

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Wow, you really are addicted to sleeping, aren't you, Capricorn? Is it because you're tired? Or are you finding it easier to live in a world made of your own dreams. Does the daily grind have you gritting your teeth? Well, this obsession with your pillow is quite unhealthy. You need to shake the sleep crust out of your eyes and open yourself up to the opportunities that are passing you by in a whirlwind of excellent weather. You want and need more money, yet your napping is sucking your free time into an oblivion. How do you expect to be super awesome when you stumble into work super groggy? Then you fall asleep at your keyboard. Shame on you. That report needs to get done this week, Cappy. Your career is on the line. Wake it the fuck up! Your film of the week: In Your Dreams

Night BeforeAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Sometimes in life, you just need to take your close off. Its time to get naked, Aquarius. Pull those pants down and doff that T-shirt, buddy. What you need is a spiritual cleansing. Let it all wash off your sweaty body. You've been hiding behind that desk for far too long, toiling behind a boss that has no direction. You do excellent work, but none of it's getting recognized by your peers. Why don't you find a quiet corner and meditate? Think about yourself for a change, and discover what you find truly important in life. Sometimes it's about other people, but this week it's all about you and what you can do to better the world. Get out the Brillo pad, and scrub that exposed skin. We're all waiting to see what waits underneath. Your film of the week: Shabba Ranks: Naked and Ready

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Are you having a problem remembering your past? Do old friends often surprise you with stories that seem lost in time? Well, maybe you should invest in some carrot juice and start a bit of memory therapy. This week, you will be asked to revel in some former discretion. A lot of good things happened, and it's sad that you can't remember any of them. You had a great childhood and a decent home life. Your teen years were well spent. It's a shame that you've shoved so many fond thoughts out of your brain to make way for rudimentary work tasks. Stop living in the now just for one second, and think back to a happier time. It will reawaken your soul and allow you to oversee any rotten moments that are bound to come your way in the very near future. Maybe, just maybe, you should lay off the Milwaukee's Best for a month or two. That might restore your hindsight and pull you out of this cloud. Your film of the week: Night Before

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange