Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell HeroesAries (March 21st-April 19th): This week is going to be Hell. It's going to be war at the office, and you are the only one that can take control of the situation. Though you are liked by just about everyone behind a desk, there are quaint feuds going on in the background. You're just not cognizant of them. Things will boil to a head mid-week, and you will be stuck directly in the middle of this crisis. Keep your usual cool head, and things should work out just fine. It's in you to lead this ragtag group of co-workers to salvation. See that they get the task at hand completed, then suggest a nice game of darts or pool at the local pub afterwards. Nothing beats indifference like a tall, cool glass of Bud. Your DVD of the week: Inglorious Bastards 2: Hell Heroes

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Don't worry, sweetheart. I know it seems like you're on a road to nowhere. But the weirdest thing ever is bound to happen this week. I feel a certain amount of recognition headed your way for a job well done. What does that mean? A promotion. A raise. And smiles of confidence from your co-workers. Sure, sometimes it seems like you are toiling away in the dustbin of history, about to make your mark on nothingness. If you hold out just a little longer, you will find a plethora of prizes awaiting you at the end of this dour rainbow. I guess, what I am trying to say to you is, don't quit your day job. It will be too early and in vein. Your DVD of the week: Bridge to Nowhere

Last House on the LeftGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Trust your gut instincts this week, Gemini. I have a feeling you're heading towards a world of pain. Why? Going along with a friend's requests even though they are stupid and selfish is no way to keep up appearances. When you hear a worthless proposition, don't jump on it. Leave it their to wither on the ground. Then advise your friend that she is making a grave mistake. Otherwise, you will both be in over your heads. There won't be anyone to bail you out, either. I don't really see you walking away from these poor decisions in tact. Then again, you have been known to surprise us all with your witty ability to stay nose above the water. Heed this warning at your own risk. No one wants to loose you to your supposed friend's stupidity. Your DVD of the week: Last House on the Left [Unrated/Rated Versions] [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Not everything is as it seems. Those you trust the most are hiding deep secrets that will shock you out of your chair. You need to prepare yourself for some deep mental therapy, as this news is likely to devastate your moral conduct code. You will never guess some of the news items that are about to get dropped on your head. Will you survive this impending car crash? You can if you prepare yourself for the most damning information ever released in the history of your known life. Think of the nicest, coolest cat you know. Know imagine him doing the worst act possible. Heck, you are half on your way to being able to deal with the shit storm headed for your face. Don't say I didn't warn you. Your DVD of the week: Surveillance

Spring BreakLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Oh, my God! Leo! You desperately need a vacation. You worked all the way through your birthday without even a cold beer. What gives? Are you getting old and hard up for cash? Your birthday used to be a bacchanalia celebration the likes of which Caligula has never seen. Now, you end it by working a full twelve-hour shift, and then downing a six-pack and a bag of Ruffles. Your role in this world means more than that. I demand that you take off the next couple of days and hit the beach with a bag of fireworks in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. It's the only way to rectify the cruel way you've been treating your own personal identity. Get out there and have some fun. Damn it! Your DVD of the week: Spring Break

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Your typical day just isn't what it used to be, is it, son? You used to have a hard time. Your childhood was filled with abuse and bad dietary supplements. Guess what? Its time to stop living in the then and start living in the now. So what? You had a bad go of it those first few years. You need to buck up and achieve the life you deserve to live. You'll never do that if you keep using that intelligent brain of yours to time travel to the lesser moments of your youth. Go out side, suck in a deep breath of cool summer air, and figure out a way to make your life seem a little bit better. It will take quite the load off your soul. Your DVD of the week: Poker House

American ProstituteLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Do people have the wrong impression of you. Do they sometimes look at you as the mean, cruel face of corporate America? Or do they see you as a simple office drone not worthy of their time? So many misconceptions, so little money. If you want to make it big in this world, you are going to have to open up and show everyone what you're actually carrying around inside your chest. You have a lot to offer your community. The quicker they realize this, the fast you'll become the hometown star you've always dreamed of being. Don't let the noise keep you pinned to the floorboards. Step outside your self-defeating ID and let people finally take a look at the real you. It will make you a better person in the end. Your DVD of the week: Tyson [Blu-ray]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Do you sometimes feel like you are being whored out. That people are just using you? In both your professional life and your love life? Isn't it about time you did something about it? Why not change up the way people perceive you. Start changing your clothes and your attitude. Then, people won't feel as though they need to take advantage of you. You'll be the dominant force in the work place. You'll be the one eating jelly donuts instead of serving them. Take a personal stand on you overall presentation, and you could walk away a new man. That's what we all want to see, Scorpio! A whole new you. Do it. Your DVD of the week: American Prostitute

Hannah MontanaSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Its okay to feel like you're losing yourself in this world, Sagittarius. That happens to us all. What you need is a brush with your old roots and cultural upbringing. Maybe its time you took a trip back to your childhood home. Reconnect with the things that made you happy in the past. Then, you can see things in a new light. Your persona and forethought has been dampened by the glamorous life you sometimes pretend to lead. Take off those high heels and go tiptoeing through a slimy pond. Try to catch a firefly and see if that doesn't reinstate the old you everyone used to know and love. Not all is lost in this dog-eat-dog world. You still have a lot to offer. Remember that spark of passion you used to carry around in your purse. Find it, and maybe you will carry others through this warm summer night with you. Your DVD of the week: Hannah Montana: The Movie

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Drop what you are doing and heed this sudden call to do something greater than humanity. Sure, you have it good at your little job. It does nothing but make people happy. But is it making you happy? Now is the time to ignite that long lost fire in your soul. Someone is going to call you to a challenge, and you need to see it finished through. The fate of this world, and many others, rests in your hands. The good news is, you already have the skills it takes to complete this otherworldly chore. All you have to do is hone your shaking skin and buck up. Don't let evil live inside you any longer. Save the planet. Or be a drip. Your DVD of the week: Last Starfighter [25th Anniversary Edition] [Blu-ray]

Pete's DragonAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): This week, you will feel the need to fulfill an old habit. And that hateful trait centers too heavily on your imaginary friends. They will only do you in. Is it the stress of work or the lack of companionship that pushes you to the outer edges of sanity? Its time to let these frightening behavioral problems subside. Grab ahold of life and ride it into the ground. Don't dwell or become fascinated with objects that aren't really there. That will only lead you to the loony bin. Do you want to know who is going to come visit you there? No one. Not even your mom. So stop messing with the drugs, kid. Take some time off and find some clarity. I assure you, it still lurks under that lofty façade of yours. Your DVD of the week: Pete's Dragon [High-Flying Edition]

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Maybe you are too demanding, Pisces. You want to be recognized in this world, yet you succumb to the same old pitfalls that claim most quasi-scientists. You need to stop searching for hierarchy in fast food. If you want to be king of something, aim your ambitions a little lower and shoot for the floor. You'll be amazed at what you can find there. No one ever wants to be the king of garbage. That's why the title is ripe for the grabbing. Reach out and pull it down. Place this seemingly obtuse crown on your head and wear it proudly. At least you'll be royalty of some sort. Who cares how dirty your blistered hands are? Certainly not me. Your DVD of the week: Strip Club King: The Story of Joe Redner

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange