Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

OnechanbaraAries (March 21st-April 19th): Do you know what I like about you, Aries? You are a tireless fighter that never stops until the job is done. It doesn't matter what sort of evil, hellishness is let loose upon this world. You are there to squelch it in the act. Which is good, because you are going to have a bucket dumpster full of shit poured on you this week. Don't worry! Keep a cool, calm head and it should all fall under your rule of thumb soon enough. Just don't take any unnecessary bathroom breaks, for if you fail in this new journey, the rest of the world could feel the effects of your poorly executed decision to pee when you only had just a tiny bit of urine in your pants snake. Save the universe, feel better about yourself. There will be time for piss breaks on the Otherside of Okay. Your DVD of the week: Onechanbara

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You best be careful where you lurk this week, Taurus. There are evil forces out there waiting to pounce on your goodwill and destroy you from the inside out. They will take you and place you in their cage of crankiness, wanting only to destroy your soul for the betterment of mankind. Thing is, those people are crazy. Don't let yourself get abducted by poor decisions and bad ideas. Your co-workers are only trying to set a trap for you. Don't fall in it. Use your best Judgement, and stay above the lofty aspirations of those that would only see you harmed in the very near future. Stooping down to their level is not worth your time. Your DVD of the week: Abduction

AdventurelandGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Isn't it about time that you came of age, Gemini? You are far too immature to relish in any of the awards awaiting you at work or at home. Love is but a fleeting thing to you and your company of men. Stop for a second and realize these are the best moments of your life. Soon, you will need a steady job and you will want a solid relationship. Its time to put away all the frivolous junk that occupies your free hours and get with a new sort of program. Its called Growing Up. Do it now, and there will be nothing but smooth sailing for the rest of your life. If you wait and dwindle your time away drinking beer and playing poker without a care in the world, you could find yourself on a permanent park bench, feeding the pigeons at too young an age. No one wants that. Your DVD of the week: Adventureland

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): You have never been one to keep a secret, Cancer. There you go, running your mouth all over town like an Informant. Why do you feel the need to do this? Does it give you some sort of purpose in life? Well, you need to quit this obnoxious practice. As I see nothing but trouble for you in the near future when it comes to other people's secret business. If you come into some knowledge not of your own doing, it's best to discard it and leave it where you found it. Who cares if your best friend is up to something shady. That's for them to deal with. Don't go blabbing your food-full gut about it. Keep quiet, jerk. Your DVD of the week: Informers

Boot Camp [Unrated]Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Do you know what I like most about you, Leo? You know how to take matters into your own hands. There's no pussy footing around, or shoving the business off onto someone else's plate. If you see danger about to happen, you rectify and save lives. If you see a storm coming, you get everybody into the nearby tsunami shelter. Don't lose this knack, because you are going to need it soon. Things are going to start falling apart around you. Life just won't be as pleasant for a while. You need to take this new destiny by the reigns and ride it into the ground. Save lives. Help old women. Make sure everyone has enough food to eat. That's what its all about, Leo. Enjoy the journey, and it will be rewarding. Your DVD of the week: Billy Jack Collection [WS] [4 Discs]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You've fooled yourself yet again, Virgo. For some reason, you truly believe that you do sufficient and adequate work. Though you haven't noticed it, your proficiency has started to wane. You are getting burned out, and you haven't taken a moment to realize this. You need something new to get that spirit back. You need to find the old you, and excel at your goals. Not languish in them like a dying fish struggling in a bucket of Kool-Aid. Find an outside source of entertainment that will rejuvenate the spirit and get your mind off work for a while. Become aggressive again. Start working out. Do something useful for yourself. Otherwise you will be on your back, unable to cope with life and all the beautiful things it has to offer. Your DVD of the week: Boot Camp [Unrated]

FightingLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Capers. What are they and how do you get into them? Well, Libra, this is your week to find out. You will suddenly be partnered with a stranger, whom you must rely on to solve an important task at either work or at home. This person may not be up to your usual standards of individuality, but you must give them a moment. They will warm up to you soon enough, and vice versa. You'll only have each other to get through this tiny bit of madness, so embrace this newfound friendship. It could mean more to your livelihood in the long run then you could ever imagine. Even if the dude seems like a dud, please give him the benefit of the doubt. Your DVD of the week: Duplicity [Blu-ray]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Oh, Scorpio! What am I supposed to do with you? It's not really your fault that you are so abrasive. You go in, you do your business, and people take an instant disliking to you. They never want to love you, they just want to fight you. I see the good in you. Why can't others? What you need to do this week is open some doors, and then open some minds. Let them Know the sweetheart that stands behind the bitch. It's an exterior. You don't need to always wear it like a Halloween mask. Lift the veil. And if those douche dogs still aren't willing to accept you at face value, take out those two beautiful fists and show them what's really going on. Your DVD of the week: Fighting [Unrated/Rated Versions]

Sick GirlSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): I am so disappointed in you. What the fuck, Sagittarius? Are you going for a world record? You haven't taken a sick day since you started this new job. Is it that much fun? Do you enjoy running around, being the bitch so much that you can't stop and smell the flowers? If you don't use your sick days, that is free time and money being waisted. I demand that you start coughing right this instance, and play up the flu. Tell people you are not feeling well. Wax the day, and tomorrow, they will all but have a temp lined up before you even make that phone call. You don't need to go anywhere special. It's best that you stay at home and pamper yourself. Take a bubble bath, scratch out a mix, and then watch some good ol' fashion daytime drama. You'll enjoy the ruse. Your DVD of the week: Sick Girl

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): I demand that you stop what you are doing and pull that stick out of your ass. Let your hair down, pull up that skirt, and act a fool. Why? Because you've been taking everything a little too seriously these last couple of weeks, Capricorn. You are about to implode from stress and money worries. We all have them. That shouldn't stop you from having a good time. Consume, engage, laugh. I dare you to put a lampshade on your head and throw a pie in your boss' piggish face. Do it with enough conviction, he might get in on the joke. Let your co-workers know the fun girl that used to live there, in your sore ol' ribcage. Strip down to your undies and run wild through the cubicles. Who's going to stop you? God? Your DVD of the week: Screwballs

Asian Queer ShortsAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I know you are stuck in a dead end job. That doesn't mean you have to sit on the phone and cry about it all day long to your parents and best friend. They care about as much as I do, Aquarius. You need to buck up and except your current destiny. Make the most of this bad situation, and you should see some sun shining in by the end of the week. If you see something that needs to be done, don't languish on the sidelines, hating everything about this horrid place. Put in a helping hand, and that may just pull you out of the wreckage. It will be start on your part, and soon you won't have to answer to the man. Build a ladder up and over this fence that disrupts you and your livelihood. Do it and all shall be well. Your DVD of the week: Green Street Hooligans 2

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Hmm, you seem to be sneaking around a lot, Pisces. Do you have secrets that the rest of us aren't allowed to share in? I think you know the truth. You've found a niche, a fetish, and a way of life that is both disturbing and exciting to you. But you are a little embarrassed about what really gets you off in this world. That must be the case, because you've stopped frequenting the old dives that used to scream your name. I've got spies, and they've seen you crawling in and out of some of the seedier parts of town. Can we say: Gay bathhouse? There; its out in the open. Does that make you feel better? Do you think you can live with yourself now? I think you'll do fine. Just don't let your boss know. He might want to join you there, and that wouldn't be any fun. Would it? Your DVD of the week: Asian Queer Shorts

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange