Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Earth DayAries (March 21st-April 19th): You're never happy with your environment, but I think its because you seldom get out of the house. You stay cramped up in that dark attic all day, reading your little comic books and watching your little movies. No wonder you hate it when the sky opens up and starts spitting a hailstorm of rain on your roof. That shit is so distracting. This is the week for you to get in tune with nature. Take a hike in the woods. Stroll down an ocean beach. Or simply go roll around in the grass outside in the yard. You are going to develop a social disease if you stay locked away in your gray dungeon for days at a time, cursing the weather. It's not God's fault that you never leave the house. It's yours. Your DVD of the week: Earth Day [Unrated Director's Cut]

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Something is going on in your precious little world this week, Taurus. And when you find out what it is, you're not going to like it. There are forces stronger than you at play. They don't have your best intentions in mind, so you are going to want to be mindful of all the fallacies in your realm. God damn it, you really do have the potential to screw the pooch on this one. Things aren't as they seem. And your closets friends might just want to put a knife in your back. Its time to get some stain remover and move on with your life. The smiles pointed in your direction are only trying to distract you. Walk away from this shifty mission, and point your worthiness in the opposite direction. Your DVD of the week: State of Play

Good DickGemini (May 21st-June 21st): I am constantly amazed at your ability to screw up every romantic endeavor, Gemini. Your scorecard is leveled at double zero. Were you always this inept at making a connection? Well, the good news is that you'll be meeting someone that is as tumblesome as you when it comes to the romance department. That's right, a kindred spirit will wisp up out of the ocean air and breeze into your life like a stumbling block. It will be fun to watch things play out, as you are both quite useless in making that declarative first move. Once you are able to ramp over these necessary speed bumps, you will fall into a cozy relationship that will come to mean more to you than breakfast cereal means to milk. It's a combination that will be undeniably perfect. Your DVD of the week: Good Dick

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): You are such a little narcissist, Cancer. You spend all day crawling in and out of your shell, only to look at yourself in that cracked mirror. You only care about the things that matter most in your life, and could give fuck all about anyone else. Which is kind of dick. The good news is you'll come across someone that reminds you of yourself this week. Maybe a little too much. They will only seem to care about their worldly endeavors, and somehow, that will intrigue and irritates you like nothing else has before it. Together, you may be able to work through this process of not caring about anything except yourselves. In the long run, you may both grow to care about each other. Though, that is highly unlikely. Which sucks for both of you. And all of us. You dirty bitch. You DVD of the week: Google Me

Supernatural: The Complete Fourth Season [6 Discs]Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Leo, you sly rascal. You spend all of your free time high-winking and cavorting with the sexy ladies that constantly surround you. And when you're not doing that, you're making friends with the coolest cats in town. In the process, you seem to have forgotten your family. They still love and need you in their lives. That will never be more apparent then this week. Someone very close to you is going to be grief stricken, and it will be up to you to mend and bring the clan back together. What this potentially means is: Road trip! Yes, you and your siblings will be forced into a vehicle of your choice to roam the roads of America. But listen up! Its up to you to make this a smooth and easy romp. Always keep a smile on your face, and you should have a good time. Your DVD of the week: Tennessee

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You don't give yourself enough credit. The workplace is swimming in happiness this week, Virgo. And it's all because of you. Your inner office memo made the bad demons in the cafeteria disappear, and the evil sheen that used to linger over your desk from day to day is no longer a blight on your solemn existence. Now, if you can keep up this positive energy, you will soon shoot to the top of the list when it comes time for that coveted promotion. Don't let your inner angriness with yourself come out during the workweek, and everything should stay fine. Pat yourself on the back for a change. You are making the world a better place to live. Your DVD of the week: Supernatural: The Complete Fourth Season [6 Discs]

Guys Gone WildLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Well, well, Libra, look at you. Dancing around in your undies in front of the window. You sure have a knack for being ambitious and free of inhibitions. That makes you one of the favored girls at the local watering hole, for sure. But you're not any old slut, and for that, you deserve a high five. Its not too often one can be so sexy and so charming, as well as kept and clean. That's why you need to head out and delve into these secret hidden fantasies you've been harboring. Thing is, no one is looking in your direction this week, Libra. You are free to roam and play to your heart's content. Get out there and see what the opposite sex is selling. Maybe you'll find the sugar purse you've been seeking low these many years. Your DVD of the week: Girls Gone Wild: Vegas Sex Orgy [Blu-ray]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Well, hello, Scorpio! What's gotten into you this week? You seem uncharacteristically happy and free. Oh, is it because you are once again starting up college? The incoming freshmen don't yet know you and your wily ways. That means this week will be necessary in bonding with likeminded folks. Try to be a little less abrasive than normal, and you could be well on your way to the best year of school yet. Don't let on that you can be a totally irritating bitch and kind of a cunt. Ease them in gently, and they may be able to deal with these lofty character traits later on down the road. Its up to you to keep that energetic freshmen spirit alive. Your DVD of the week: Guys Gone Wild: Freshmen Orientation [Platinum Edition]

Alien PlanetSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): I love you and your sense of discovery, Sagittarius. You're not one to sit idly by and let life pass on the other side of the window. You are constantly out there working it. When you don't have a choir, you make a new one for yourself. Your hobby is finding the new and unusual, and becoming well acquainted with it. Which will be to your benefit this week, as certain things will start to fall into place, and you'll be the only one equipped to deal. Which means people are going to start looking up to you in want and need. Is that a burden? No, absolutely not. Take every new moment and study the shit out of it. That way, you'll be holding all the cards when it comes time to make that next big step in life. Love your mysteries, and they will surely love you back. Guaranteed. Your DVD of the week:

Alien Planet

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): It's about time you opened the window and breathed in some cool, fresh air, Capricorn. Like Aries, you need to hustle your buns outside and enjoy this beautiful weather. So what if it's a little hot, and your goose is feeling cooked. That's to be expected with our environment in shambles. This week, I want you to take a few tiny steps towards conserving your fossil energies. Experience the dew of grass on your face in the morning. Sure, it itches, but so does the depletion of our ozone. Once you become better aquatinted with the oxygen and the atmosphere, the more you'll want to protect this great planet of ours. Your DVD of the week: Earth

School for Unclaimed GirlsAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I predict bad things for you this week, Aquarius. People are going to come after you in a moment of weakness. And someone is going to try and physically abuse your body. Of course you don't want this to happen, but you may be confused by the identify of the predator and let it happen out of shame and regret. Don't let anyone come at you in any shape, size, or form. I know it's painful to think a loved one would put you in so much danger, but its true. So what if you love them? You can't let them get away with this. It could change your entire outlook on love, life, and the way things work in this world. Just say, "No!" Your DVD of the week: School for Unclaimed Girls

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): I'm sure you've heard the expression, "Stop and smell the roses!" Well, this week, you'll want to do just that. Energy in the workplace is high, which will impound your stress levels past the breaking point. You need to keep a cool head, and help out where needed. You are in charge now, and you can't let a little thing like life ruin your plans at happiness. Sure, your job is going to be hell this week. But this is the position and career path you chose on your own. So, you only have yourself to blame if shit gets out of hand. When the work pile starts to topple, simply push it up against the wall and take a break. Go outside and stare directly into the sun for a few seconds. Enjoy the sky, and find that elusive flower in the sidewalk crack. This will allow you to step back inside and tackle every task like the strong, brave woman you are. Your DVD of the week: Lilacs in the Spring

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange