Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!

Batbae: The Dark Nightie

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): Well, well, well, Aries! Aren't we feeling frisky? It's about time you dropped that coy demeanor and flexed those sexual muscles you find so easy to hide under all of that emotional weight. This is your week to indulge in various kinky activities. Forgot about Valentine's Day. That holiday is for lonely losers who wish to dwell on their own insecurities. Now is the time to shake off those clothes and have a good time. Do you have your eye on a potential mate? Well, what are you waiting for? There's never been a better time than right now to expose your true feelings. The vibe is reciprocal. There is no more denying this wish. Just put your head down and go! Do it! Your film of the week: Batbabe: The Dark Nightie

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Have you every felt like doing something extreme? Like, dying your hair purple? Or maybe indulging your boss' daughter in a dirty one night stand? If you were ever going to get away with any sort of rude behavior, the time would be now. Don't squander this once in a lifetime chance. If you are going for it, go all the way! Nothing stands in your path to true freedom. You are only doing these outrageous things for self gratification. Realize this, and you will come out unscathed. Do me a favor, though. Don't buy into your own new self concept. It will bring you down in the long run. Short term salacious activities are the best. Go ahead, do something you might regret somewhere soon. Just make sure it doesn't affect your livelihood. That could be bad for everyone involved. You film of the week: Extreme Movie

Schoolgirl Report Vol. 5: What All Parents Should Know

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st): Things aren't right in your world this week, Gemini. You are worried about your children. And with good reason. There are a lot of dangerous elements lurking around the playground. Don't you think it's time you had that talk with your kids? Stop waiting. The moment is nigh. Their young understanding is at a pitch perfect volume. Heck, they might even listen to your words of wisdom. Get on the jump before it gets too late. The life you protect today might be your savior of tomorrow. Once you have that meaningful talk, remember not to become an overbearing stump. Say your piece and then get on with life. Dwelling on the unforeseen and unavoidable is really bad for your health. Your film of the week: Schoolgirl Report Vol. 5: What All Parents Should Know

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Bad news, Cancer. Your workplace is about to spin out of control. Call it: Inertia! Things just aren't going to go your way. And there's not much you can do about it. That's not to say you should stick your head between your knees and wait for this storm to pass. Though it might look bad at first, your input is going to greatly affect the future of you and your co-workers. You might seem powerless to stop whatever is happening at the moment, but rest assured, you are building domino mazes. Keep a cool head. Always think everything through. And don't let this overbearing flow get too out of control. You are the dam! Pay attention, and speak when the right words needs to be said. More than your paycheck may depend on it. Your film of the week: What Just Happened?

Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Vintage clothing. Old movies. Retro hairstyles. Returning to your youthful roots is sometimes important and healthy. This week, you will find yourself revealing in nostalgia. Go for it, dive right in. Put on those old clothes that you found in the back of the closet. Dust off those old sneakers and take a jog by your high school sweetheart's house. Who knows, she might just be there waiting for you. Not only are old memories playing with your emotions this week, your love light is attempting to shine in the most knowing of places. Gosh...If you play your cards right, you might walk away from this week having finally boned the hottie that used to sit in front of you during art class. You know, the one you haven't been able to stop thinking about for the last twelve years. Think of the possibilities! They're yours for the taking. Just remember to take off that old letterman sweater before you go back to work, and you, Sir, should have the time of your life. Your film of the week: Retrograde

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The high seas are calling your name! Sure, you have a lot of work on the back burner. Who cares? Isn't it about time you treated yourself to a quick and jaunty vacation? You need to get wet. Maybe take out a boat, or a Skidoo. Maybe luxuriate in a deep, warm bath. Even if you live inland away from all rivers, lakes, and oceans; I'm more than positive that there is a hotel nearby with a streamlining hot tub. Rates are cheap. Look into pampering yourself. If there's one person on the face of the planet that deserves a break, its you Virgo. Taking this time off now will rejuvenate your spirit and gear you up for all the bad business that is headed your way in the next couple of months. Heed this plea! Get some relaxation now. Before it's too late. You film of the week: Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge

Ms. New Booty, Vol.3

Libra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Libra, Libra, Libra. You've been looking for a new job for so long, you are willing to jump at just about anything. Wrong move! A seemingly picture perfect gig is going to come unraveled under your feet. And leave you hanging in the wind like a dirty diaper. Be careful what you wish for. And double check the email address on that Craig's List posting. What looks like a promising new start in the right direction might just turn out to be an awful, ugly trip you'll find difficult to shake off. Stick to your guns, and hold your cards close to that vest. Don't go diving headfirst into just any old employment opportunity all willy-nilly. It could render you powerless. Your film of the week: Red Sands

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You've been looking for some fresh romance in your life, haven't you, Scorpio? Well, have you recovered from your woes at work yet? Only when you are stable enough to look out and care for yourself will you be ready to take on a new partner. When you decide it's time, things are not going to be easy. You know how high maintenance you can be. Are you ready to criticize and victimize a potential love interest to the point where they don't even want to look at you? Well, that's the road you're currently heading down. Take a nap and get yourself in order. You need to love your own personality before you can accept and take on someone new. Be prepared to hate your choice of date this week. You just can't help yourself. Your film of the week: Ms. New Booty, Vol. 3

Cardio for Indie Rockers

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Its time to raid the attic, Sagittarius. There are far too many memories piling up around you. Sure, you can keep a few of these things. But do you really need those oven mitts from Christmas 2001? I don't think so. Give everything a good dusting. Then take this junk to the charity bin downtown. There are a lot of needy people in this world. You could do them a great service by offering up your old, unwanted relics. Does it scare you to throw out old souvenirs of your time spent here on earth? Well, get over it. That giant pile of forget-me-nots is nothing but trash. Rid yourself of this debris before you get caught up in the ghosts of an unwanted thought. Your film of the week: The Haunting of Molly Hartley

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Feeling a little bit out of shape this week, aren't we, Ms. Capricorn? A little flabby around the waist? You've got jelly for underarms, and a weak disposition. Not to worry. The stars are aligning in your favor. Now is the perfect time to get that heart pumping. It's called a work out. Do you think you can work it out? Take a jog, ride a bike, or paddle a boat. It doesn't really matter what you do. Just know that you need to inject some energy into your stolid little life. Eat better and you will sleep better. Do more jumping jacks, and you will feel like a million bucks in the sack. You don't have all the time in the world to tone up that gorgeous body of yours. Make room for exercise now. Or expect to fall into an unhealthy chasm of donuts and couch sitting (ie: No one will truly love you). Your film of the week: Cardio for Indie Rockers

Emanuelle and the White Slave

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Do you feel like the world has you tied to a post? Are you a slave to your own convictions? Well, its time to break free of those shackles and seek out something worthwhile for yourself. Your boss doesn't have you pigeonholed. It's your own self conception. No one is holding you back but yourself. Is this a matter of low self esteem? Are you too lazy to pull yourself up by those bootstraps? Is getting dressed in the morning too much of a burden? What the heck is keeping you down, Aquarius? Brush it off and sweep it out the door. Crawl out of this self-imposed jail cell. I know you don't want to hear this: But you locked yourself in there! You have no one but yourself to blame. Stop being a slave and live for yourself just this once. It will open your eyes to a whole new existence. Your film of the week: Emanuelle and the White Slave

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Its time to take a trip into the unknown this week, Pisces. Like Aries, you, too, are feeling overly amorous on this fine occasion. Which is good for you. Take a trip outside, see what you can find. Now is the time for you to explore the world of flesh that surrounds you. There are far too many people that want what you have. Right now is as good a time as any to set out on this fruitful exploration. Take a moment and find what is right for you. Explore the carnal possibilities. Sooner than later, you will find yourself stuck in a loving relationship. You won't have this opportunity to spread the wealth for very long. Go out there and get some! You deserve it! Your film of the week: Sexplorer

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange