Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!


Aries (March 21st-April 19th): The colors in your life are changing. Once beloved hues will slowly spin and turn, and transform. Things are no longer black and pink. They are shinning bright like the sun in reformed reds, yellows, and oranges. Get in touch with these new colors. Communicate with them, crawl through them, and get on their level. Color is one of the many things that make this unique world go around. It's your job to discover and enjoy all of the many different shades that you'll encounter on a day-to-day basis. Your film of the week: Mask [Director's Cut]

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Sex is great, but communication might be the saving grace of your ongoing love relationships this week. Listen, talk, and understand. It's not just about the way you move it in the sack. Its also about the way you move those lips and that tongue. Engage and discover; there is a lot of road to cover this week. You may learn secrets that will strengthen and guide you as a person through these rough swimming pool waters. Conversation is underrated in this current socioeconomic climate. Get a megaphone, and shout that want and need for breakfast cereal across the recently wallpapered kitchen. And then pour the coffee. Read a thesaurus. Finding new ways to say, "I love you!" Might just make your time spent on earth worth living. Your film of the week: Swingtown: The First Season [WS] [4 Discs]

The Black Hole

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st): Expect a giant black hole to open up around you and your loved ones mid-week. It will develop slowly. Things that aren't necessarily important to you will be sucked in first. And then you will notice bigger objects being pulled inside this gapping maw. You might want to bike down to the sailing store and invest in an adequate anchor. Once this endless hole starts to pull at your feet, the vacuum will have you all-consumed. It's all about the grip. Practice making fists, and by the time your problem swims up underneath you, you should be able to hold on. No one likes disappearing into holes. Your film of the week: Black Hole

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Bite that lip and suck in that last little bit of oxygen. You are almost at the finish line, and the trophies awaiting you are immaculate. This marathon has been long and unforgiving, but you've managed to stay the course. You deserve a pat on the back and a firm handshake. Hopefully, this win will give you the needed boost or push you've sought for so long. It is in you to reach any destination. With a little time and a little mental exercise, you, Cancer, can be a certified winner. Now, just take this newfound empowerment and place it on a corner of your life that may be lacking. If you can jog this far without blowing a kneecap, just image what you can do with the rest of your body. Your film of the week: Run, Fat Boy, Run [WS]

National Lampoon's Stoned Age

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Your relationships are going to be shaky this week, Leo. Where is that roar? You've got to get your lungs back in shape, or those most inclined to share in your presence will run all over your spine with a tire chain. What's the matter? Is there no fight left in your body? Are you tired? Letting your loved one or a business partner win the argument this week may very well send you on a downward spiral. Engage and listen. But don't give them what they want right off the bat. Even if the fight is over something you don't care about now, its something that will deeply affected your livelihood down the road. Don't get stabbed in the back. Strap yourself down with a hubcap and get yourself a giant kitchen knife. You must be prepared at all times. Your film of the week: The Break-Up [WS]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): A stinging bit of nostalgia will land an uppercut in your boxing ring this week. That's right, you might feel compelled to visit an ancient form of lovemaking. And it will be awesome. Forget about the advances we have made as a society. Its time to pull out that trusty club and knock the girl of your dreams in the back of the head. There's no time for flowers or fine wines. Someone is waiting for you to take the initiative. Be aggressive, and a wealth of romantic riches will land with a thud on your doorstep. Throw women's lib out the window for just a moment, and seal the deal. Someone is waiting for that punch-out of a kiss. Your time is fleeting. Do it now! Your film of the week: National Lampoon's Stoned Age [Unrated]


Libra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Neighbors can sometimes be hard to live with. This week, you will find yourself in more than one confrontation revolving around your coveted cul-de-sac. Don't let the anger get out of control. You may be the only one that can solve this problem. Pick up your trash, keep your street clean, and close the shades. If you still have a problem, talk it out. Show some compassion. Help where help is needed. You'll find that the anger pointed at you may actually be coming from a darker place. IN all actuality, it has nothing to do with you. Stay out of the way, and everything should be fine. Your film of the week: Lakeview Terrace [WS]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Oh, poor Scorpio. If only you received the recognition you deserved. Or at least thought you deserved. Stop crying into your beer and listen up. People know and understand the excellent job you are doing, so stop trying to attract so much attention to yourself. Anonymity suites you well, so try it on and cinch up those pants. Don't neglect the job you should be doing, waiting around for praise for a job already done. You could fall on your face. Or worse yet, you could find yourself in the unemployment line. People get it. They understand the importance and knowledge you bring into any given situation. Please, don't dwell on your own superiority. It's sometimes hard to swallow. Your film of the week: Heathers [20th High School Reunion Edition]


Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Oh, Sagittarius, why do you have to be so popular. The opposite sex can smell your pheromones this week, and you will have plenty to choose from. Just don't get caught up in one of those relationship traps. Its best to keep all of your options open and willing. Tying yourself down to one person will be detrimental to your health. Keep all conversations honest. Delve deep into the different layers and flavors that surround you. A three-way tie will be nice, if you can keep each avenue at bay. Think things through, and don't be a bitch. Your film of the week: Vicky Cristina Barcelona [WS]

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): How long has it been since you've gotten a gift? Are you anxiously awaiting Valentine's Day with the hopes that it brings something special into your life? Well, give it up, sister. There are no bow-wrapped presents headed your way for a very long time. This long and lonely road you travel will be plagued with hardship and ruin, especially if you dwell on your own shortcomings. That's why its time to head off to the store for a shopping spree. Splurge on yourself. Stimulate the economy. Close your eyes and buy yourself something you'd never imagine in a million years. Now is the time to make you happy. No one else is going to do it for you. Your film of the week: Marty


Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You need to shake the cobwebs out of your head. Think clearly, your future could depend on it. Don't let others cloud your Judgement. Taking advice from an untested source could lead to financial ruin and life devastation. Now is the time to cash in your chips and lay the groundwork for all subsequent endeavors. It's called a nest egg. Get some hay, and plant yourself down. The years are going to come barreling at you fast and furious. You need to be well stocked and prepared for the hard times as well as the fun times. Your film of the week: Blast From the Past

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Whoa, there fishy. You need to get grounded. Life is not a cartoon. Where is your sense of reality? Sadly, it seems to have gone out the window. Difficult tasks are no laughing matter. Why are you so effortlessly lifting up rocks and cars? You are not a superman. Come back down to earth before you hurt yourself and those around you. An imagination is a good thing to have and to share, but it might be dangerous to let it grow out of control. You are only you; don't build yourself into something you are not. The sheer weight of future expectations could come crushing down on your spine. Then where will you be, huh? Your film of the week: Monkeybone [Special Edition]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange