Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Beloved RogueAries (March 21st-April 19th): You are a scamp. And guess what? People love you for it. I'd scold you for your uncouth behavior, but it seems that people not only expect it out of you, they can't wait for their turn at your disrespectful initiative. Go ahead, be a dick. Just don't get any on you. If you know what I mean. Keep that edge about yourself, just don't over step your boundaries. Sure, its fun to be crass for a while. But you might want to rethink the direction of your lovingly constructed hate missiles. If they hit the wrong target, it could be all over for you in the quick beat of a dying duckling's heart. Hold on to the nasty remarks until your boss or lover is out of the room. Then shower the rest of us with your witty bon mots. It's the only way you'll survive in this "tiger eat monkey" world. Your DVD of the week: Beloved Rogue

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You are special in a retarded kind of way, but its okay. Don't ever let anybody put you down or push you to the side. You deserve better in this life, and soon, all of your special skills will be called upon to save the universe. You will need to huddle around like-minded individuals if you are to get any place in this tough, cruel environment. Don't fail the system, even if it threatens to fail you on a constant basis. You are the only force out there strong enough to compete with, and beat, the evilness that is going to surround you in the coming weeks. Throw caution to the wind, arch up your back, and bring those claws out. You are going to need them. Prove your worth, and friends will dribble in like gold nuggets fresh from a waterfall. Your DVD of the week: Push [Blu-ray]

Near DarkGemini (May 21st-June 21st): You're a sly one, Mr. Gemini. You've been holding onto some much needed information for quite some time, and you've never let on that you have the potential to save the world. But I can see right through those beggar's clothes of yours. Its time to stop being a hobo of honesty and fight for the truth that will save us all. Stop hovering in the corner with those lips sewn up, tight. You need to spill the beans. Otherwise, more than a few of us will fail at the forth-coming catastrophe headed our way. Open up and join the fight. Throw down your fast food bag and lets get this party started. The end of the universe could start and end with you. If you let it. Don't be that kind of douche. Your DVD of the week: Knowing

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): There is a thirst inside you. You want and need to try new things. You've grown tired of this dusty outer shell. For far too long, it has done you no good. Shake it off and get yourself some new clothes. Find a new hobby. Get a boyfriend that isn't a flake, and enjoy some of the riches this life has to offer. It's all there for the taking. You just have to open your eyes and look deep into the future. Do you want to be somebody? Or do you want to be a life long failure that never amounts to anything? Get your groove back. Take a stand, and learn to fight the "blahs" of life. You can do it. I know it's in you. Your DVD of the week: Near Dark

UnbornLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Secrets from your past are bound to crop up this week, Leo. You've been doing your best to keep a smile on your face, and keep everyone fooled. But the time is now. You can either embrace the horrible shit that has been flung at you in earlier years, or you can try to pretend like it never happened. Be warned, though. If you take the later route, you will find yourself in a world of hurt and deceit. People will look at you with different eyes once they understand the ramifications of what you've been holding back. Open up, realize it's not that big of a deal, and you'll be able to live with this musty old pain. Let it fester, and you will potentially loose a loved one that has been hard to capture and contain. Your DVD of the week: Unborn [Unrated/Rated Versions]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Its time to stop tripping yourself up at work and take a trip on a boat or a plane. You are one stressed cat, and you need to clear your head. No, not everyone is out to get you. Maybe if you could languish by the side of a pool with a nice liquor drink in your hand for just a moment, you'd come to realize that life is better than you think. You've been working to hard for far too long. Its time to snap up a pillow, lay your head down, and enjoy the nice soothing sounds of the ocean outside your window. Don't have the money? Invest in some salty bath oils and a nice candle. You deserve a break today, and only you can give it to yourself. No one else is really paying attention. Your DVD of the week: Flying By

Moon Over Hong KongLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Have you been questioning your romantic lifestyle as of late, Libra? Well, sometime this week you are going to be made a very lucrative offer. But it may involve traveling and untried sex acts. Are you man enough to strap this challenge on and find your love quota? Trust me, your future plans are not for everyone. Even you may balk at the idea of the suggested trysts headed your way. But heck, they might do you a lot of good. Its time for a spiritual makeover. Treat yourself right, and others will follow suite. Even though your stomach my turn at the possibilities of giving into a same sex one-night stand, don't let your conscience be your guide. For once, let the lower half of your body lead you astray. You might just learn some new things about yourself. Your DVD of the week: Moon Over Hong Kong

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You better buckle yourself into that plush car seat, Scorpio. A great argument is about to arise amongst you and one of your closet friends. Even though you are both right by some accord, neither of you are going to be willing to give in first. It will cause great stress and strain on your immediate families. Soon, things will be in ruin, as this conversation squeaks itself into your home life, your love life, and your work live. Certain people will take sides that even you won't be able to believe. Yes, your own mother might not fight along side you on this cause. Your wife is going to be upset, and your husband is going to start throwing things at the wall. Instead of instigating and pushing this maddening argument to the point of no return, simply admit that you are wrong from the get-go, and all will resume as planned. Your DVD of the week: Resolved

One Missed Call 3: FinalSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Stay close to the phone, Sagittarius. Some important news is heading your way soon. This is going to be a great week for you. Everything you've been dreaming about lately is about to come true. You are going to get that special dress. You are going to go on that fancy dinner. And you are going to make love on the beach to a man you've never met before. It's all in the cards, if you can do one thing. Be polite and pay attention to the incoming messages being sent your way. I know, I know. You have a tendency to ignore texts and phone messages when they are from an unknown number. Well, fate is sealing you up in its Ziploc bag this week, and you better pay attention. Stop being such a snob and answer that goddamn phone! Your DVD of the week: One Missed Call 3: Final [2 Discs]

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You will be overcome with a sense of nostalgia this week, Capricorn. While it's certainly not okay to spend all of your time wallowing in the past, you can give yourself a break. It may be good for your psychi to recall the former pleasantries shared by you and a loved one. Just don't dwell on things you no longer have. Remember the good times, and then move on. Time is fleeting. Don't waist it all on struggling with loss. Appreciate the moments that have made you into the human being you are and then forge ahead with a renewed smile and confidence. You'll not only feel better, but others will sense this renewed faith bubbling up inside your neck. Take it one day at a time. And keep the best parts of those days within your heart forever. Or die sad and alone. I don't really care. You DVD of the week: Peanuts: 1960's Collection [6 Discs]

Reno 911!: The Complete Sixth SeasonAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Warning! Your job is at risk, Aquarius. You are about to be replaced by a robot. Sure, it won't happen this week, but a movement to implement artificial intelligence in the work place will arise, and if you let this continue, it could mean the loss of jobs in your sector over the course of the next couple of years. Don't let these metal douche rags show you up. Even though they have the correct answer at all times, you are smarter than a robot by default. Unless you want to become a slug or worse yet, broke beyond the means of livelihood, then don't do anything. Stay where you are. If you wish to remain vigilant in the coming years, you must put your foot down right this instance and warn your bosses, "No robots in the work place." It's that simple. Your DVD of the week: Run Robot Run!

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Don't fret about being locked in this small town, Pisces. Even though this week will urge you towards brighter shores, you should just stay put. Sure, it looks like they're having all the fun in Hollywood and New York City. The truth is, you have it great right where you are. You need to suck in and savior the quaint community that surrounds you. You are a big fish in a little pond. People adore you, and want nothing but the best for you and your family. Leaving now will be a death nail in your coffin. Keep up the good work you've been doing, and you should be rewarded accordingly. It's in you to maintain this small fever dream. Hold onto your big town aspirations and save them for a later date. You're right where you need to be. Your DVD of the week: Reno 911!: The Complete Sixth Season [2 Discs]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange