Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Blood Fart LakeAries (March 21st-April 19th): What? You were going to take your vacation when? Bad choice of timing, Aries! This isn't the right moment to leave your job, or your woes behind. Whatever awaits you on that cruise ship is going to be ten times worse than anything happening in your stolid little life, and when you get back, you're going to wish you'd never left. Its best to rearrange accordingly this week. If you don't, you are going to see a whole lot of money flushed down the toilet. Not to mention: Things simply aren't going well at your place of business. There's a chance that if you leave now, you might not have anything to come back to in the future. That is a fucked way to end a vacation! Chill out. Enjoy your boss' company. Your precious little excursion can wait. Your DVD of the week: Terror at Blood Fart Lake

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Who's that on your cell phone, calling you at such an ungodly hour? Who did you give your number too, and why? In this day and age, you have to be very careful whom you give your information out to. There are creepy strangers lurking in every crevice of the city. Some will be obvious to spot from a mile away. Others will seem like the perfect catch. Always remember, Ted Bundy was a cutie. But he was also a cold-blooded killer. The alignment of the cosmos is yelling loudly. Be careful whom you cavort with this week. Dangerous traps, both mental and physical, lay ahead of you. Tiptoe through these tulips quietly. Your DVD of the week: Cell 2 [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Friday the 13thGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Hey, Gemini! Just because you can get away with being an asshole doesn't mean you should devote your life to the cause. Your cruel words can kill, and your thoughtless actions are dangerous for everyone around you. Sure, right when it looks as though you've succumbed to the worst situation, you somehow manage to pull through. Well, its not always going to be like that. This week is going to set you up for a great fall, and you may actually take the tumble, head first into a wood chipper. If you don't circumnavigate this horrible attitude you've been perpetrating, you may never recover from the eventual fallout it will create. Shape up or ship out. Take off that mask of hatred and love thy neighbor. Or you'll drown. Your DVD of the week: Friday the 13th [Killer Cut Extended Edition]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Sing it with me: Your secrets aren't your secrets anymore! You are such a sneaky devil, but guess what? People may be watching you closer than you think. All those skeletons in your closet? They've been seen dancing a jig at the local disco, and you only have yourself to blame. If you want to keep secrets, don't tell anybody. Not even the guy you are shtooping on the side. Despite your acute likeability, people are generally jealous of your wonton nature. That means they will do anything to take you down. Heed this warning: Masturbate only in the shower where no one can see you, and keep your life on the straight and narrow for the time being. I'd hate to see you on the ass end of a bad decision gone viral. Your DVD of the week: Programas: Secret Lives Exposed

Skid MarksLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): There's a health crisis in your very near future, Leo. Either you, or someone in your family is going to fail on the road to longevity. And you need to be prepared. Now, as in today, would be a great time to invest in health insurance. If you're company doesn't provide any for you, better bust out that wallet and devise a safe, secure, and sound plan. Having any member of your family or team fall victim to disease or injury will put a major crimp in your currently lax lifestyle. It's too late to eat better. But you can take these necessary precautions: Look both ways before crossing the street, don't leave your child alone with strange pets, and always think twice before eating at a fast food restaurant. Someone could have accidentally sprinkled staples into your salad dressing. Medics aren't as fast as you want them to be. Your DVD of the week: Skid Marks [Includes Digital Copy]

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): I pity you, poor Virgo. You are constantly being harassed by the man. And this week is no different. When at work, it's best to keep your head down. A situation is likely to arise that will force you into its epicenter. You will be blamed for most of the wrongdoing, and its very possible that you will be arrested or fired from your precious job. Yes, even though you had absolutely nothing to do with any of it. You must not confide in your coworkers. They are only looking to frame you. And in any given situation, you are the one that is going to be held responsible. As soon as you see things going downhill, it would be best for you to get out of the way. Make sure you have an alibi, and are nowhere to be seen. Most importantly: Hide your pot! Your DVD of the week: Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail [WS]

What Goes UpLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Whether you know it or not, a lot of people actually do look up to you. In all manners of life, people consider you a mentor. Your saintly behavior is worth noting, and you never give up on the weak minded. So it should be no surprise that you'll unexpectedly find yourself in a teacher's position sometime this week. Hold onto this role, and consider it a godsend. Don't let your followers down. They see something deep inside your heart that is worthwhile to their cause. Don't change anything about your personality. It's what people want to see. Continue being yourself, even when people seem to want more out of you, and you will make the world a happier place. If you have some good advice, give it. Even if someone has told you to shut up in the past. They suck, anyway. Your DVD of the week: What Goes Up

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Why do you have to be so crabby? It's a wonder you have any friends at all, Scorpio. Despite your unwillingness to be friendly and supportive, someone is going to confide in you. They are going to slip you a giant secret. What do you think you'll do with this information? I guess that's up to you, but if you were smart, you'd keep it under lock and key. Sure, you, much like a majority of the people in this world, like to run your mouth like a broken faucet. But that's just bad manners. This new information you are hiding in your back pocket could potentially hurt a lot of people. Learn to keep that secret away from prying eyes, and you might feel a certain sense of self-worth. I know you can do it. Your DVD of the week: Love Letters of a Nun

Tommy and the Cool MuleSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Its unavoidable, Sagittarius. In this down turned economic climate, you may be forced to take on work you'd rather not do. Sometime this week, an employment opportunity is going to come your way, and you will scoff in disgust. Please, rethink your options. Even though it might not sound like the best avenue to go careening down, these fresh paths about to be laid out in front of you are going to be extremely lucrative. And they will renew your youthful spirit. Strap on that "I can do it!" ball cap (and possibly that strap-on) and go to town! You are about to learn some new skills, and you will be the better man for it in the long run. Your DVD of the week: Orgazmo [Special Edition] [With Movie Money]

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Are you ready to be the boss? It seems your supervisor may be taking an extend leave of absence sometime soon, Capricorn. Even though you are not next in line to offer support, the higher ups are going to see something bright and shiny inside you. They will need you to rise to the task and take everyone a step forward. Its best to brush up on those leadership skills. This will be your one and only chance to really do something worthwhile in this life. Opportunities don't come along like this very often, so pull up those jeans and get ready to earn some respect. It's been a long time coming, but you deserve this more than anybody. Your DVD of the week: Tommy and the Cool Mule

RiffTtrax: Carnival of SoulsAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): What the fuck, Aquarius? Why does everything have to be a joke with you? Every time you open your mouth, out comes another sarcastic take on life. You should just stop it right now. You aren't funny, and you never were. Your square rooted sense of humor is failing those around you, and they are getting annoyed. You are bad for business. If you keep this up, you might just lose your job and the respect of your immediate family. Take a step outside the circle and try to catch your breath. You certainly need a brain waxing. Funny happens naturally, and you've been forcing it along. Its stuck under a rock now. Good going, douche bag. Say something interesting for a change. Or take a class in joke writing. Those around you deserve it. Your DVD of the week: RiffTtrax: Carnival of Souls

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Nothing is going to satiate this ravenous hunger, Pisces. You've been neglecting your culinary diet as of late, and its about to catch up with you. For months now, you've been eating brown rice and soggy broccoli. Your taste buds are on the verge of asphyxiating your thought process. They need the sour, bitter, salty sweetness of fine home cooking. You've been absent from the food scene for far too long. Well, not any more. You need to rush out to a new restaurant every night this week and get your tongue back on track. Your stomach will appreciate the respect, and your teeth will suddenly glow white with a new healthy shine. Feed that hunger, bitch! Or, check yourself for a tapeworm. It's your call. Your DVD of the week: Moveable Feast with America's Favorite Chefs

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange