Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the DVDs you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on store shelves, she knows about it!

Baby on BoardAries (March 21st-April 19th): Open up your eyes and experience the newness that has ensconced your soul. Purple flowers are blooming on the precipice of your life, and new opportunities are about to rise out of the ashes of yesterday. Don't dwell on past failures. Time is fleeting. You must constantly refresh your daily intake of aromas and outsource all left over energy. An unforeseen force is about to will itself into your life. A recently discovered womb of tunefulness is bound to leap out and grab you by the face. Don't let this sudden breath of air deplete you of any incoming nourishment. You need to be ready for the many changes happening in your private world. Saddle up and ride this storm of innovations for all its worth. Your DVD of the week: Baby on Board

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Sometimes you have to leave well enough alone. Though you are a likeable chap, not everyone is going to fall for your coy, baby-like ways. Some folks just aren't going to enjoy the way you deal with day-to-day problems. You have set your sights far too high. Your own self worth is a misconception, and you need to lower your standards. Don't look to those around you for pure and unrefined judgment. Just because the guy in the next cubicle over has a smoking hot wife doesn't mean your next girlfriend is going to be all that gorgeous. Climb down off this ladder you have built for yourself. Accept beauty at face value, and look for the good inside the guts, not just on the surface of the skin. Marrying an ugly girl will be beneficial to your output as a worker bee. Your DVD of the week: He's Just Not That into You [Special Edition] [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Vintage VulgarityGemini (May 21st-June 21st): Now is the time for you to take a stance, Gemini! There are other people out there that want your job, your house, your wife, and your car. They might just conquer you and take ahold of your material possessions. Why? Because you are weak. Your body isn't ready to withstand the pressures of any incoming storm. Stand up tall and fight for what is most important to you in this life. Don't let everything fall to the wayside just because you are scared to confront another man's muscle power. Gain some self-confidence. Use it against the evilness that is rising up on your long dormant street of play. If you lay down before this fight, no one is going to pity you. You will wind up in a ditch, sad and alone for eternity. Stand tall. Make a difference. Your DVD of the week: Defiance

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Hello, little Cancer! Isn't it about time you came out of that shell you covet so highly? People expect to see fun shining out of your persona every moment of the day. Why are you denying the general populace this great gift you have? Why not bestow it upon others? Shake off these feelings of loneliness and despair, and get funky. Take a course in sky diving, or open yourself up sexually. Some mighty fine folks have taken an interest in you. Stop being oblivious and let them run wild on your exposed skin. It will shake you awake and return you to your glory years. You still have some juice left in those old boobies. Twist 'em, and shake what your mama gave you. Otherwise, you will wither away into nothingness. Your DVD of the week: Vintage Vulgarity Volumes 1 & 2

Nina Hartley's Guide to Private DancingLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): You are a lover, not a fighter. And that's your gift. People want to know you on a more intimate level. Why don't you stop playing the field and narrow down your cunt hunt to just three lovely women. Let them participate in the oddness that is you on a revolving interval. Don't let them just give you all of their attention. Give some back. Make room for their wants and needs. Show them a good time. Focus in on what they desire sexually, and maybe you'll remove yourself from this past week with a reborn smile of cleanness on your face. Bite the hand that feeds. Then bite their butt and shake their booty. You will be rewarded with kindness and tasty deserts in return. Your DVD of the week: Nina Hartley's Guide to Private Dancing

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You are kinda dumb. Why? Because you blow your problems way out of proportion. The tiniest thing can set you off. But this week you have reason to worry. You know that little speed bump that's been driving you crazy? It's actually on the verge of ballooning past the fixation point. You thought your life sucked a minute ago? What until you get a load of the beast that is about to come your way. It might be best to invest in some adult diapers. Or better yet, build a bomb shelter in your back yard. There is no escape. But hiding is an option. Get yourself some garbage bags, cover your self in black plastic, and take a long nap in the ditch outside the door. Otherwise, you might not make it to next week. You sorry sap. Your DVD of the week: Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood

Weeds: Season 3Libra (September 23rd-October 23rd): Which hat are you going to be wearing this week, Libra? Everyone always gets a different you. Why so many personalities? Are you afraid that someone might discover how awesome and loving you are? Stop trying to be other people. It's never worked for you, and it isn't going to help you in this life. Pull off that mask, and finally give your real self a chance to shine in the spotlight. Your future job is going to ask a lot of you. Make a decision to stay true to yourself, even when it looks beneficial to slip into someone else's dress. No one wants or needs a liar in their midst. Take off those pants and put on that skirt you've been dieing to wear for the last eight months. It will only benefit you in the long run. Your DVD of the week: Fletch

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): You think you're so special, don't you, Scorpio? That's why you are always so standoffish. Even when the day doesn't call for it. Well, you will soon be getting a hard slap in the face that brings you back down to earth. You are like the rest of us. Hungry for love and desperate for a job. If you weren't such a bitch all the time, people might be more willing to help you out in this life. Put down your guard, and accept the lesser nature of your peers. Help a brother out when they are drowning. Take a step forward, and involve yourself in something that rests outside your own personal sphere for a change. You might just get the kick in the pants you've been desperately, secretly wishing for. Your DVD of the week: Weeds: Season 3 [Blu-ray]

RetardeadSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Sometimes you make poor decisions based on other people's perceptions of you as an individual. Well, you can't keep thinking that you are so darn stupid. You have a higher calling in this life, and the power resting inside your chest is more intense than the intellectual side of your persona. If you can shake this self-doubt out of your brain, you will be able to overcome any awkward situations that may rise up in front of you. Keep thinking you are an idiot, and you will falter and stall on the way to true greatness. It's your choice in life. Are you going to stop calling yourself names and get the job done, or are you going to continue to throw yourself a lifelong pity party? Decide your destiny now, or forever rest in constant turmoil. Your DVD of the week: Retardead

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): You are basically a good kid, Capricorn. You've done a lot of hard pushing these past few months. You've gotten the job done, and you've cleaned up the awful mess left by others. That can only mean one thing: Rejuvenation. Yes, its time for you to take a much-needed vacation. Get yourself some new clothes, toss that baby in the dumpster, and hit the open road for some fun and excitement. What you need is a little romance, and the best place to look is in the nearby retirement home. Shoot above your age bracket, and you will find a boatload of fun waiting you there. Give in to those naughty urges, and ride the one ship that hasn't sailed in awhile. It could be the best day off you ever had. Your DVD of the week: Too Much for TV Presents: MILFs - Hottest Moms on the Block

NFL Greatest FolliesAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Your body is tired. It's sagging and drooping in all the wrong places. How many jelly donuts did you eat this week, Aquarius? You need to get out from behind that desk and take a nice brisk walk. Get some new oxygen pumping into those deflated lungs of yours. What, were you planning on hanging out in the lunchroom for the rest of your life? Well, that life isn't going to be very long if you keep it up at this rate. You have a fruitful bit of joy coming your way soon. Don't you want to be in shape when it gets here? Go buy a new pair of running shoes and invest in a gym membership. If that takes too much effort, maybe you should check and see if your office has a bowling team or a softball team you can join. You don't want to die young, do you? Work it out. Your DVD of the week: Sports Champions Collection: Field of Dreams/Friday Night Lights/Cinderella Man/Seabiscuit [5 Discs

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): You, on the other hand, Pisces, need to take a break from all of the extraneous behavior you have been exhibiting. You are going to fall and hurt yourself, and there won't be anyone to pick you up. Sure, you used to be athletic and good-looking, but those days have past you by like a garbage truck on the way to the dump. Put away the Nerf football and invest in a knee brace. You are going to need it, pal. I see a major injury heading your way soon, and only you can prevent it. Why must you be so hard on your soft muscles? What did they ever do to you? Sure, your fancy moves on the court used to impress the fellas. Now, you just look like an ass. A has been desperate for a date. Shuffle on back to Buffalo, and take a seat, Nancy. No one is interested in your lame ability to throw a sponge ball. Your DVD of the week: NFL Greatest Follies, Vol. 4

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange