Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!

TwilightAries (March 21st-April 19th): Well, well, Ms. Aries. Aren't we feeling frisky. People love and adore you. I totally understand why you'd need to be so fickle. But you're missing out on some great romance and adventure by denying those fellows you find less than attractive. You, girl, need to open up your heart and your soul. Welcome in those quirky individuals that fill your life with so much color. You might not be looking at them as potential mates right this second. But once you get with their jazzy riffs, you'll come to find that you share more in common with them than you could have ever imagined. Romance is a weird beast. And it only goes to prove that love has no boundaries. Your film of the week: Twilight [2 Discs]

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): You will feel an urge to beat up on the schoolyard bully this week, Taurus. Your maddening inclination towards violence will urge you into the streets, where you will take justice into your own hands and wring it out like a wet rag. Those jerks are the common cold, and you, good sir, are a steaming hot bowl of chicken noodle soup! The moves you put into action now might just help out the entire community. You need to see justice prevail. Understand that it all starts and ends with you. Someone needs to get things starts and in motion. Why not take the initiative. Do you see someone getting picked on at work? Take a stand, motherfucker. Don't let the strong inhibit the weak. We're all counting on you. Your film of the week: Punisher 2: War Zone [Special Edition] [Includes Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Life of Lucky CucumberGemini (May 21st-June 21st): It's okay to celebrate the past, Gemini. Just don't get stuck there. Some people look at dwelling on former achievements as unhealthy. It all depends on how you are going about it. Are you breezing through an old scrapbook? Sharing an intimate story with some old friends? That is perfectly normal and good for your psyche. If you are putting on that old cheerleading outfit and taking your latest love interest to your old high school to make out under the bleachers, that is insane! You better curb that behavior quick, or the loony patrol will come after you. It's okay to think about your formative years. Just don't start living there. It could ruin you financially and emotionally. Your film of the week: Van Wilder: Freshman Year [Unrated] [Blu-ray]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Wow, Cancer! You really have the luck of the Irish this week. Good things are going to start falling into your lap left and right. Just in time for St. Patrick's Day. If you are planning to buy some Lotto tickets, you better do it soon. You may just have that winning power ball number locked in your spine. Thinking about dabbling in love? You better hit on the prettiest girl in the bar. If you can go the rest of the day without touching any green beer, you will find yourself to be one lucky son of a bitch. Its time for all of your dreams to come true. Stop mopping around and get a move on. This type of golden opportunity isn't going to stick around forever. You have to be willing to find that rainbow. Go! Your film of the week: Life of Lucky Cucumber

Ghetto PiratesLeo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Have you been stealing from your co-workers again, Leo? It's not nice to hijack ideas or suggestions and promote them as your own. While you might get away with it for a while, those you've wronged will be waiting in the wings to take you down. You will see a number of opportunities open up this week. Its best to stand back and down unless you've come up with your own plan of attack. I know you desperately want that promotion. But if you can't earn it on your own, why even bother? You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Get a piece of paper and a pen, jot down some thoughts and see if they fly. If not, stand aside and let the better man win. It's the only way, really. Your film of the week: Ghetto Pirates

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You are a winner. Or, at least you would be if you stopped focusing in on the ambiguous nature of life. You think too much about inconsequential things. Put an eye on the prize and move forward. You need a clear-cut path to the winner's circle, and that begins and ends with you. Your family and friends need a strong leader. One that can get the job down. If the goalie is stressed out about taxes or homework, he'll never win the game. It's not in you to be a loser your whole life. Figure out the most important aspects of whatever goal you are attempting to score, and stick to it. Your film of the week: Goal II: Living the Dream [WS]

Walled InLibra (September 23rd-October 23rd): God, you hate being cooped up. Why have you been staying inside so much, Libra? There is a whole world full of adventure and mystery awaiting you outside this white, four-walled cubicle you've devoted your life to. Does your keyboard really mean that much to your fingers? I don't think so. Give it a rest, take a stretch, and step outside your little circle of gloom and doom. Its springtime. The flowers are blooming, that weird dude is pushing the ice cream cart down the street, and you need a breath of fresh air. Go, right now, and tell your boss that you have an important errand to run. Pretend to get stuck in traffic. Then take a stroll. Really look at life. Your film of the week: Walled In

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): It's time to discover all the childlike wonder in your world, Scorpio. You keep getting into fists fights and arguments that simply aren't becoming of you. It's your duty to find something cute and show it to other people. Pretend you care long enough, and soon you just might. This week, it is your sworn duty to check out the nearby kiddy bookstore and delve into the many fairy stories that await you there. Retreat from the workaday routine you've dug yourself into and find some simple pleasures. Share these tales with any potential loved ones you may be lining up on your radar gun. They will dig your for it, and might even overlook some of your coarseness as an individual. Your film of the week: Barbie Presents: Thumbelina

Kill ZoneSagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Dang, you need to slow down Sagittarius. Why are you so angry all the time? It's not an attractive attribute. I know we are living in meager economic times, but you don't need to go blaming this tight wallet situation on anyone but yourself. They told you to save, and you spent frivolously. Now you walk around glaring at your boss and your otherwise compensated co-workers. Don't think they don't notice you lurking around in the hallways, eyeing their jelly donuts. Some people are growing scared of you. Put a smile on your face, and stop it with these truly evil thoughts. You don't really want to kill anybody. You want to hug them. Trust me. A pair of breasts pressed deep into your chest feels mighty fine come hump day. Your film of the week: Kill Zone

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): No. Its true. You are looking rather ratty these days. What's the matter with you Capricorn? Why can't you get it together? No one wants to see you in the same goddamn polo shirt five days in a row. People are going to start worrying about your wellbeing. Are you insane? Or do you really like plaid? You need to hustle your buns down to the local thrift junction and pick out some dollar deals. You don't have to spend a lot to look good. Trust me on this one. I bet, for fourteen bucks, you could buy yourself a whole new wardrobe. You don't deserve it, you need it. Get out of the house and invest in a new sweater vest. Your film of the week: Fashion Victims

Gustafer Yellowgold's MellowfeverAquarius (January 20th-February 18th): I know it's been a tough week in the office. But you've still got some fight left in you. I know you are thinking about giving up and letting someone else take over. That promotion just doesn't seem as great as it used to. You need to stop thinking such morose thoughts right this instant. Put some gaddamn Chapstick on your lips, buff your shoes, polish those knuckles, and go into that presentation swinging fists first. People expect more out of you. That's why you have to try a little harder than everyone else. You want a better job and a bigger paycheck. So stop foolin' around and fight for it. You may be your family's only hope. Your film of the week: UFC 91: Couture vs. Lesnar [2 Discs]

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Brother, its time to slow down and take it easy. Life has been fast and rough lately, and you've done a good job of keeping your head above your shoulders. Life is good for now. Its time to kick up those feet and test out that new easy chair you got for Christmas. I mean, you need to really enjoy that sonavabitch. What? You didn't get an easy chair for Christmas? No! Well, I know what you are going to do this week. Buy one! And then you are going to relax like there are a million more tomorrows. Get a good book. Rent a dumb movie. Maybe you'll be content with just staring at the wall. Take a load off, Sir. It's your time to do nothing. Your film of the week: Gustafer Yellowgold's Mellowfever [DVD/CD]

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

B. Alan Orange at Movieweb
B. Alan Orange