Welcome to your weekly movie horoscope with Madame Millie Kilakilarney. She will point you in the direction of the films you need to watch this week according to the astrological charts she keeps on her bedroom wall. If it's in the stars or on the silver screen, she knows about it!

Ace Ventura Jr.: Pet Detective

Aries (March 21st-April 19th): You have a keen sense of discovery that needs to be quenched at all times. You are constantly searching for answers in a world that is not yet ready to give them to you. You feel compelled to build your own secret plots just so energy is in motion. Well, maybe you should stop this behavior. Its not very becoming on you. And your lack of sleuthing skills is near hilarious. If something is missing, let someone else find it. If your boss' donuts are gone, don't go looking for the guy with the white powder around his mouth. Your quests are fruitless. Why don't you sit down and do the job you were sent here to do? Oh, because you're bored. Well, guess what, Aries? We all get a little bored sometimes. Your film of the week: Ace Ventura Jr.: Pet Detective [2 Discs]

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Isn't it about time you afforded yourself a grand vacation? It seems like you've been cooped up in your office a little too long, Taurus. There is a whole world full of adventure awaiting you beyond that crooked door. There are some really great deals on plane tickets and hotel rooms right now. Log onto any of your favorite destination sites and find a bargain package to your liking. You are sweating work and all it has to offer. Leave that junk behind and lose yourself in at least one moment of free time. You've been working a little too hard for far to long. Just swipe that desk clean and get out the door. Does it really matter where you go? I think not. Find a place, and then burry your head in the sand for a week. You need a recharge! Your film of the week: Australia

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st): Have you been thinking about getting a pet? Now is probably the best time. You have suddenly come to a place in your life where you need constant companionship and a willing ear. Forget about that douche down at the bar. All he wants is a cuddle f*ck. That will get you nowhere. Why not take a trip to the local shelter or pound and find a cute puppy? It will do your heart and soul good to save something other than that last bagel that is about to be thrown out in the break room. If you are hesitant to take on such a challenge, talk to a friend. See if you can start walking their dog. Take it to the park, and watch yourself fall in love for the first real time. Do it! It's now or never. And it's cheaper than a one-night stand baby accident. Your film of the week: Beverly Hills Chihuahua [Blu-ray]

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd): Cancer, you dipshit. You've gone and screwed everything up. Shame on you. Do you do this because you like to lose? Or are you just incompetent? It's going to be awhile before you live down your recent indiscretions. That means you need to go into hiding. Find a cubbyhole and squat there for a while. Do the job you're paid to do, and get your hands out of other people's pockets. It would be in your best interest to lie low for the time being. A headhunt is coming your way, and if you're not out of sight, and out of mind, you will be the first to go. Trust me, you can't afford to be so sloppy at this current socioeconomic moment in time. Heck, maybe you need to find another job. And fast. How about becoming a nanny? It might suit you just fine. Your film of the week: Scarlett Johansson Collection [3 Discs]

Stiletto

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Leo, my man! You are looking handsome today! This is truly your week to shine. Everyone wants to be your friend, and some even want to be your lover. Looking for a new job? Apply now, its yours! Got your eye on a filly? Ask her out, she'll say yes! Don't squander this keen opportunity to be the king of the jungle. Heck, they named this shimmering bit of royalty after you, didn't they? What are you waiting for? Get out there and get your groove on. Make it happen. The stars are all shinning for you. Reach up there and grab that Big Dipper by the ladle. Pull it down and drink from its Milky Way cup. Oh, and if someone gets in your way? Decimate them, of course. It's the only way to go! Your film of the week: Disco Dick's Triple Delight, Volume 3

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Revenge is a mustard seed that doesn't grow in the sun, girl. I know you want sweet vengeance for the wrongs done to you. Someone spit on your car in the intersection. Someone pissed on the floor of your bathroom during a party. Someone drank your last Amstel light. Well, there will be none of that. Take a stand now, and you will call the shots forever. Get on the phone and get your bitch on. Why should you be taken advantage of by other people? Rudeness can only get you so far. And that's what you need to tell them. Put your foot down this week, or forever live in the shadow of your own disgust with the human race. Just don't shoot anybody. That's bad for business. Your film of the week: Stiletto

Wonderful Town

Libra (September 23rd-October 23rd): I tell you time and again, Libra! You cannot keep living in the past. There is no comfort or joy there. Sure, you've made some mistakes. And that's too bad. Live for right now, and you will keep living. But dwell on the past, and you just might die there. Such focus is taking time away from your family and loved ones. Take one foot out of that time machine, and firmly place it in a right now machine. Rev it up and take it for a spin. You are missing out on some of the best things life has to offer. If you killed someone, turn yourself in and adjust to prison life. If you broke your husband's favorite beer mug, tell him you'll buy him a new one. No one can fully thrust forward when shit like that is weighing on their back. Shake it off like a duck! Your film of the week: In the Electric Mist [Blu-ray]

Scorpio (October 24th-November 21): Scorpio, why do you keep thinking about places that are out of your reach? Take a deep breath and look around you. You are living through one of the most exciting moments in history. And a great deal of joy is there, right where you stand, in your own hometown. You don't need to leave to find happiness. Love and wealth surround you at every corner. Pull your gosh darn head out of the clouds for more than a minute, and you will discover a land full of excitement that you didn't even now existed. Look at the events calendar in the Weekly. Yup, I knew it! It's just full of stuff that you don't want to miss. Go, buy a ticket and have fun. Take a wrong turn. Walk down that creepy alley. Eat in that hole in the wall diner that looks disgusting. Appearances aren't what they seem. And neither are you, or your place of residence. Join the adventure! Your film of the week: Wonderful Town

Real Time

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Dang, Sagittarius! Do you ever shut up about what you want and need? You are constantly grabbing at strangers, begging for objects of senseless joy. You are always standing in line for movie tickets when the film isn't even that good. You are always trying to test drive unobtainable cars. Why? Is it necessary to own things to feel good about yourself? Are you a possession whore? This is bound to get on people's last nerve. You are on the verge of losing someone very close to you for this very reason. Shape up or ship out is your only recourse. Take a back seat to those things most seemingly important to you, and you might find something even more exciting waiting for you out there. Stop being a baby and grow a pair. Your film of the week: Real Time

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Why are you always taking things apart? Do you really need to see how they work, no matter what? Its not just with toys and gadgets, but you are also constantly ripping apart your relationships and dissecting every thing about them. Why are you unable to take things at face value? Why must you crawl under every inch of flesh? Are blood vessels that intriguing? Do you like to see the human heart pumping blood? What is it? What do you get out of this behavior? Why do you need to know every single co-worker's origin story. It is bothersome and ridiculous, and you are setting yourself up for problems in the long run. Why don't you accept things as they are and get on with it? Otherwise, you might die. Your film of the week: Watchmen: The Complete Motion Comics [2 Discs] [With Movie Cash] [With Digital Copy] [Blu-ray]

Bellydance Superstars: Tribal Fusion Fundamentals

Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): You better slow your role, Aquarius. You are moving a little too fast this week. And you are liable to crash. It won't be a minor fender bender, either. It will be a gory, gruesome bit of twisting metal and carnage. Where're you going, anyway? And why do you need to get there so quickly? Are your pants on fire? I don't think so. You just don't have any patience. And you are weak. You need to be ahead of everybody else. And that doesn't make sense. Let others go careening off the path. If you keep your head down and your eye on the goal, you will come out in first place. Be the tortoise. Don't be the hare. Your film of the week: Exit Speed [With Digital Copy]

Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Yes. Taking up a new hobby would be good for your mind, body, and soul. The things you've been caught up in lately are morose. You need more liveliness in your life. Get on the trail to happiness by doing something that is fun and worthwhile to you. So what if your mate or your best friend thinks its stupid. Tell them as simply as possible, "F*ck off!" Sometimes they need to hear that. Once they realize how much joy you are receiving from whatever new avenue you choose to pursue, they might even join you for the ride. Don't be selfish, let them hop on board. You guys might just have the time of your life. Your film of the week: Bellydance Superstars: Tribal Fusion Fundamentals

(Remember, all of these movies can be purchased directly from us using the links provided!)

Cinemark Movie Club
B. Alan Orange